In addition to our ordinary memory, we have the memory of the body. And sometimes we don’t even suspect what feelings she keeps. And what will happen if they are released … Our correspondent talks about his participation in a dance psychotherapy group.
Resentment squeezed me out like a rag and shook me like a pear. She twisted my elbows and threw my own hands in my face, which were like someone else’s. I didn’t resist. On the contrary, I drove away all thoughts, turned off the mind, gave myself into her full power. Not me, but she owned my body, moved in it, danced her desperate dance. And only when I was completely nailed to the floor, my forehead twisted to my knees, and a funnel of emptiness spun in my stomach, a weak protest suddenly broke through from the deepest point of this emptiness. And he made me straighten my trembling legs.
The spine was tense, like a bent rod, which is used to pull an exorbitant load. But still I managed to straighten my back and raise my head. Then for the first time I looked at the man who had been watching me all this time. His face was completely impassive. At the same time, the music stopped. And it turned out that my main test was yet to come.
For the first time I looked at the man who was watching me. His face was completely emotionless.
I look around — around us in different poses are the same frozen couples, there are at least ten of them. They are also looking forward to the sequel. “Now I will turn on the music again, and your partner will try to reproduce your movements as he remembered them,” says the presenter. We gathered in one of the auditoriums of the Moscow State Pedagogical University: the XIV Moscow Psychodramatic Conference was held there1, and psychologist Irina Khmelevskaya presented her workshop «Psychodrama in dance». After several dance exercises (we followed the right hand, danced alone and “for the other”, and then together), Irina Khmelevskaya suggested that we work with resentment: “Remember the situation when you experienced this feeling and express it in dance. And the partner you have chosen will just watch for now.”
And now the music — the same melody — sounds again. My partner Dmitry repeats my movements. I still manage to be surprised by its accuracy. After all, he does not look like me at all: he is younger, much taller and broad-shouldered than me … And then something happens to me. I see that he is defending himself from some invisible blows. When I danced by myself, it seemed to me that all my feeling comes from within. Now I understand that I didn’t “invent everything myself” — I had reasons for both resentment and pain. I feel unbearably sorry for him, dancing, and myself, looking, and myself, as I was at the time when I was going through all this. She was worried, trying not to admit it to herself, pushing it all deeper, locking it with ten locks. And now it’s all coming out.
I see how Dmitry hardly rises from his haunches, straightens his knees with an effort …
You no longer have to hide your feelings. You are not alone. I’ll be there as long as you need it
The music stops. “Tell each other how you felt,” the host suggests.
Dmitry comes up to me and looks at me attentively, waiting for my words. I open my mouth, I try to speak: “It was … it was so …” But tears flow from my eyes, my throat catches. Dimitri hands me a pack of paper handkerchiefs. This gesture seems to tell me: “You no longer need to hide your feelings. You are not alone. I’ll be there for as long as you need it.»
Gradually the stream of tears dries up. I feel incredible relief. Dmitry says: “When you danced and I watched, I just tried to be attentive and remember everything. I didn’t have any feelings.» It pleases me. His attention was more important to me than compassion. I can deal with my feelings on my own. But how nice it is when someone is there at this moment!
We change places — and the lesson continues ….
1 Conference website pd-conf.ru