A child’s plaintive whimper can have many different motives: fatigue, thirst, feeling unwell, needing adult attention … The task of parents is to understand the reason and, more importantly, teach him to manage his emotions. According to psychologist Guy Winch, a four-year-old child is able to remove whiny notes from his speech. How to help him do it?
Young children learn to whine around the age they can speak in full sentences, or even earlier. Some get rid of this habit by the first or second grade, while others keep it longer. In any case, few people around are able to withstand this exhausting whimpering for a long time.
How do parents usually react to it? Most ask or demand from the son (daughter) to immediately stop acting up. Or they show irritation in every possible way, but this is unlikely to prevent the child from whining if he is in a bad mood, if he is upset, tired, hungry or not feeling well.
It is difficult for a preschool child to control his behavior, but at about the age of three or four, he is already able to say the same words in a less whiny voice. The only question is how to get him to change his tone of voice.
Luckily, there is a simple trick that parents can use to wean their child off of this obnoxious behavior. Many adults know about this technique, but often fail when they try to use it, because they do not comply with the most important condition: in the business of setting boundaries and changing habits, we must be 100% logical and consistent.
Five steps to stop whining
1. Whenever your baby turns on a whimper, say with a smile (to show that you’re not angry), “I’m sorry, but your voice is so whiny right now that my ears can’t hear well. So please say it again in a big boy/girl voice.”
2. If the child continues to whine, put your hand to your ear and repeat with a smile: “I know you are saying something, but my ears refuse to work. Can you please say the same in a big girl/boy voice?”
3. If the child changes tone to a less whiny one, say, “Now I can hear you. Thank you for talking to me like a big girl/boy.” And be sure to answer his request. Or even say something like, «My ears are happy when you use your big girl/boy voice.»
4. If your child is still whining after two requests, shrug your shoulders and turn away, ignoring his requests until he expresses his desire without whining.
5. If the whimper turns into a loud cry, say, “I want to hear you—I really do. But my ears need help. They need you to speak in a big boy/girl voice.” If you notice that the child is trying to change intonation and speak more calmly, return to the third step.
Your goal is to gradually develop intelligent behavior, so it’s important to celebrate and reward any early efforts on your child’s part.
Important Conditions
1. For this technique to work, both you and your partner (if you have one) must always respond in the same way until the child’s habit changes. The more persistent and stable you are, the faster this will happen.
2. To avoid power struggles with your child, try to keep your tone as calm, even as possible, and encourage him whenever you make a request.
3. Be sure to back up his efforts with words of approval spoken once (as in the examples from point 3).
4. Do not cancel your demands and do not lower your expectations when you see that the child begins to make efforts to be less capricious. Keep reminding him of your requests to say «how big» until his tone of voice becomes more subdued.
5. The calmer you react, the easier it will be for the child to focus on the task at hand. Otherwise, by noticing the emotional response to their whining, the preschooler may reinforce the bad habit.
About the author: Guy Winch is a clinical psychologist, member of the American Psychological Association, and author of several books, one of which is Psychological First Aid (Medley, 2014).