Contents
Everyone in a relationship needs time for themselves (whether they realize it or not). Moreover: in the end, it is it, and not a complete merger with a partner, that strengthens the union. But how to explain this to your other half, if she does not yet experience such a need? How to formulate a request so that it is not taken with hostility – as a signal that something is wrong with the relationship?
“Some of us, when we hear that a partner would like to increase the emotional and physical distance, take it painfully, feel rejected and abandoned. The atmosphere in the family is heating up,” explains psychologist Li Lang. – Alas, one often has to observe a situation where one partner wants to move away, and the second, feeling this, tries by hook or by crook to pull him to himself. As a result, because of this “tug of war”, both suffer.”
What if you need more time for yourself than for your partner? How to choose the right words and convey a request to him so that he does not misunderstand your words? How to convince that both of you will only win as a result? Here’s what the relationship experts say.
Explain what exactly you mean by time for yourself
First of all, you should decide for yourself what, in fact, is personal space and “time for yourself” for you. It is unlikely that you mean the need to live separately from your partner. More often than not, it’s about spending at least half the day off alone doing what you enjoy: drinking tea, lounging on the couch with a book, watching a TV series, crushing opponents in a video game, or building a mock-up airplane.
“Explain that all you need is a little bit to collect your thoughts and relax,” suggests Talya Wagner, family therapist and author of Married Roommates. – And the main thing here is to be able to look at the situation through the eyes of a partner. This way you can both understand each other better and learn to support each other.”
Choose the right words
Since the topic is quite sensitive, it is important to pay attention to both word choice and tone. It depends on how the partner perceives your words: as a harmless request or a signal that family happiness is over. “It’s important to be as gentle as possible and emphasize that you both win in the end,” says Wagner. “But if you get annoyed and blame, your message is hardly perceived correctly.”
So instead of complaining that you’re running out of energy (“I’m so tired of these problems at work and at home! I need to be alone”), say: “I think we both need a little more time for ourselves, more personal space. This will benefit both each of us and the relationship as a whole.”
Emphasize the benefits of spending time apart
“Too close a merger, when we always do everything together (after all, we are a family!), Expels all romance and playful moods from the relationship,” says psychologist and sex therapist Stephanie Buhler. “But the time spent apart allows us to look at each other with fresh eyes and maybe even experience a desire that has long left us.”
Don’t Forget Your Personality Type and Your Partner’s
According to Buhler, introverts often need personal space, which is understandable. Spending time alone helps them recharge, but this can be difficult for their extrovert spouses to accept. “Introverts literally fade away if they can’t spend time alone with themselves: dreaming, reading, walking, thinking. If this is your case, describe to your partner in detail how you feel.”
Remind your partner that you love them
We can show love in different ways and experience different types of affection. If a partner is anxiously attached to you, stability and security are important to him in a relationship, it is important to know that you will not leave him or her. In a conversation with such a person, it is important to emphasize that your desire for freedom is not at all a sentence to relationships. You love your partner dearly, but in order to continue doing this in the future, you need a little more time for and for yourself.
Plan something together after taking time for yourself
Nothing will calm him better than the fact that after spending time alone with yourself, you will return “to the family” peaceful, rested, happy and ready to invest in relationships. In addition, now you can fully enjoy joint activities without sighing to yourself about how nice it would be to stay at home alone and spend the evening on the couch.
Most likely, then the partner will finally understand that time for yourself can become the key to a close connection and real intimacy between you and help strengthen the relationship.