Is it possible to experience joy and happiness during severe grief? How to survive conflicts that do not disappear with the departure of loved ones, continuing to disturb us and feel guilty? And how to learn to live with the memory of the departed — psychologists say.
“In the office cafeteria, I overheard a witty conversation between two women sitting nearby. It was exactly the kind of caustic humor that my mother and I appreciated so much. Mom seemed to be opposite me, and we began to laugh uncontrollably. Alexandra is 37 years old, five years ago her mother died suddenly. For two years, grief, «sharp as a sting,» did not allow her to live a normal life. Finally, after many months, the tears ended, and although the suffering did not subside, it was transformed into a feeling of the external presence of a loved one. «I feel that she is next to me, calm and joyful, that we again have common affairs and secrets., which were always and did not disappear with her death, Alexandra says. It’s hard to understand and explain. My brother finds this all strange. Although he doesn’t say that I’m like a little or even crazy, he clearly thinks so. Now I don’t tell anyone about it.»
It is not always easy to keep in touch with the dead in our culture, where it is necessary to overcome one’s grief as soon as possible and look at the world again optimistically so as not to interfere with others. “We have lost the ability to comprehend the dead, their existence, writes ethnopsychologist Tobie Nathan. “The only connection we can afford to have with the dead is to feel that they are still alive. But others often perceive this as a sign of emotional dependence and infantilism.1.
Long road of acceptance
If we can connect with a loved one, the work of mourning is done. Everyone does it at their own pace. “For weeks, months, years, a mourning person will struggle with all their feelings,” explains psychotherapist Nadine Beauthéac.2. — Everyone experiences this period differently.: for some, grief does not let go, for others it rolls from time to time — but for everyone it ends with a return to life.
«External absence is replaced by internal presence»
It’s not about accepting the loss — in principle, it is impossible to agree with the loss of a loved one — but about accepting what happened, realizing it, learning to live with it. Out of this inner movement, a new attitude towards death … and towards life is born. “Outer absence is replaced by inner presence,” continues Nadine Boteac. “And not at all because the deceased attracts us, that mourning is impossible to survive, or that something is wrong with us.”
There are no general rules here. “Everyone deals with his suffering as best he can. It is important to listen to yourself, and not to “good advice,” warns Nadine Boteak. — After all, they say to the grieving: do not keep everything that reminds you of the deceased; don’t talk about him anymore; so much time has passed; life goes on… These are false psychological ideas that provoke new suffering and increase feelings of guilt and bitterness.
Incomplete Relationships
Another truth: conflicts, contradictory feelings that we experience in relation to a person, do not go away with him. “They live in our soul and serve as a source of trouble,” confirms psychologist and psychoanalyst Marie-Frédérique Bacqué. Rebellious teenagers who lose one of their parents, divorced spouses, one of whom dies, an adult who, from his youth, maintained hostile relations with his sister, who died …
“Like connections with living people: relationships will be real, good and calm when we understand and accept the merits and demerits of the departed”
How to survive a surge of conflicting feelings and not start blaming yourself? But these feelings sometimes come. “Sometimes under the guise of dreams that pose difficult questions,” explains the psychologist. — A negative or conflicting attitude towards the deceased can also manifest itself in the form of an incomprehensible illness or deep sadness. Unable to determine the source of their suffering, a person can many times seek help to no avail. And as a result of psychotherapy or psychoanalysis, it becomes clear that you need to work on relationships with the deceased, and for the client this changes everything.
Vital energy
Connections with the dead have the same properties as connections with the living.: relationships will be real, good and calm when we understand and accept the merits and demerits of the departed and rethink our feelings for them. “This is the fruit of the accomplished work of mourning: we revisit the elements of the relationship with the deceased and come to the conclusion that we have retained something in memory of him that has allowed or still allows us to shape ourselves,” says Marie-Frédéric Baquet.
Virtues, values, sometimes contradictory examples — all this creates a vital energy that is transmitted from generation to generation. “The honesty and fighting spirit of my father remain in me, like a vital motor,” testifies Philip, 45 years old. “His death six years ago completely crippled me. Life is back when I began to feel that his spirit, his features are expressed in me.
1 T. Nathan “The new interpretation of dreams”), Odile Jacob, 2011.
2 N.Beauthéac «A hundred answers to questions on mourning and grief» (Albin Michel, 2010).