Recently I received an email with the following content:
“… The first sprouts of resentment and irritation sprouted in me during pregnancy, when my mother-in-law often repeated: “I only hope that the child will be like my son” or “I hope he will be as smart as his dad.” After the birth of a child, I became the object of constant critical and disapproving remarks, especially in relation to education (which, according to the mother-in-law, should have a strong moral emphasis from the very beginning), my refusal to force-feed, a calm attitude towards my child’s actions that allow him to independently to know the world, even though it costs him extra bruises and bumps. The mother-in-law assures me that, due to her experience and age, she naturally knows life much better than we do, and we do wrong, not wanting to listen to her opinion. I admit, quite often I reject a good offer just because it was made in her usual dictatorial manner. My mother-in-law views my refusal to accept some of her ideas as a personal dislike and an insult.
She disapproves of my interests (which in no way reflect on my duties), calling them empty and frivolous, and makes us feel guilty when we ask her to babysit two or three times a year on special occasions. And at the same time, when I say that I should have hired a babysitter, she is terribly offended.
Sometimes I want to leave the child with my mother, but the mother-in-law hides her selfishness under the mask of generosity and does not even want to hear about it.
This grandmother’s mistakes are so obvious that you probably won’t even consider it necessary to discuss them. But the tense situation makes it possible to quickly see those factors that in a simpler environment may not seem so obvious. Only one thing is absolutely clear: this grandmother is not just a «selfish» or «dictator» — she is very jealous.
Before continuing our conversation, we must admit that we have become familiar with the position of only one of the conflicting parties. I never cease to be amazed at how the essence of a domestic conflict changes after you listen to the other side. However, in this particular case, I doubt that the grandmother’s point of view significantly affected our opinion. But if we could see both women during the spat, then I think we would notice that the young mother somehow contributes to the conflict. It takes at least two people to start a quarrel, even when it is clear who the instigator is.
I do not dare to claim that I know exactly what is going on between this mother and grandmother, because, like you, I can only judge the problem on the basis of a letter. But I had to work with many young mothers, whose main trouble was their inability to calmly respond to the intervention of grandmothers in family affairs, and in most of these cases there is a lot in common. I don’t suppose you think I admit the idea that the writer of the letter gives up easily. She makes it clear that in some cases she stands firm in her positions — this concerns care, feeding, refusal to overprotect — and there is nothing wrong with that. But she is clearly inferior in the matter of the nanny. In my opinion, the undoubted proof of this is her tone, in which reproach and resentment show through. Whether she manages to defend her argument or not, she still feels like a victim. And this does not lead to anything good.
I think the crux of the problem is that such a mother is afraid of hurting her grandmother’s feelings or making her angry. In this case, several factors come into play. The mother is young and inexperienced. But, having given birth to one or two more children, she will no longer be so timid. But the timidity of a young mother is determined not only by her inexperience. From the research of psychiatrists, we know that in adolescence, a girl is subconsciously able to compete almost on an equal footing with her mother. She feels that now it is her turn to be charming, lead a romantic lifestyle and have children. She feels that the time has come when the mother should give her the leading role. A brave young lady can express these competitive feelings in an open confrontation—one of the reasons why insubordination, among boys and girls alike, becomes a common problem in adolescence.
But from her rivalry with her mother (or mother-in-law), a girl or young woman brought up in strictness may feel guilty. Even realizing that the truth is on her side, she is more or less inferior to her rival. In addition, there is a special kind of rivalry between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. A daughter-in-law involuntarily steals her precious son from her mother-in-law. A self-confident young woman can feel satisfaction from her victory. But for a more delicate and tactful daughter-in-law, this triumph will be overshadowed by guilt, especially if she has problems communicating with an imperious and skeptical mother-in-law.
The most important factor is the character of the child’s grandmother — not only the degree of her stubbornness, imperiousness and jealousy, but also the prudence in using the young mother’s mistakes associated with her feelings and experiences. This is what I meant when I said that it takes two people to quarrel. I do not mean to say that the mother who sent me the letter has an aggressive, scandalous character, but I want to emphasize that a mother who is not entirely sure of her beliefs, easily vulnerable in her feelings, or afraid of angering her grandmother, is the perfect victim for an overbearing grandmother who knows how to make the people around her feel guilty. There is a clear correspondence between the two personality types.
Indeed, they are able to gradually exacerbate each other’s shortcomings. Any concession on the part of the mother to the insistent demands of the grandmother leads to a further strengthening of the latter’s dominance. And the mother’s fears of offending grandmother’s feelings lead to the fact that, at every opportunity, she prudently makes it clear that in which case she may be offended. Grandmother in the letter «does not want to listen» about hiring a babysitter, and considers different points of view as a «personal challenge.»
The more angry a mother is about petty hurts and interference from her grandmother, the more she is afraid to show it. The situation is complicated by the fact that she does not know how to get out of this difficult situation, and, like a car skidding in the sand, she gets deeper and deeper into her problems. Over time, it comes to the same thing that we all come to when pain seems inevitable — we begin to receive perverse satisfaction from it. One way is to feel sorry for ourselves, savor the violence that is being done to us, and enjoy our own indignation. The other is to share our suffering with others and enjoy their sympathy. Both undermine our determination to seek a real solution to the problem, replacing true happiness.
How to get out of the predicament of a young mother who fell under the influence of an all-powerful grandmother? It is not easy to do this at once, the problem must be solved gradually, gaining life experience. Mothers should often remind themselves that she and her husband bear legal, moral and worldly responsibility for the child, therefore they should make decisions. And if the grandmother had doubts about their correctness, then let her turn to the doctor for clarification. (Those mothers who do the right thing will always be supported by doctors, as they have been repeatedly pissed off by some self-confident grandmothers who rejected their professional advice!) The father must make it clear that the right to make decisions belongs only to them, and he will no longer tolerate an outsider intervention. Of course, in a dispute between all three, he should never openly go against his wife, taking the side of his grandmother. If he believes that the grandmother is right about something, then he should discuss it alone with his wife.
First of all, the frightened mother must clearly understand that it is her sense of guilt and fear of angering her grandmother that makes her a target for chicanery, that she has nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, and, finally, that over time she should develop immunity to pricks from the outside.
Does a mother have to quarrel with her grandmother in order to gain her independence? She might have to go for it two or three times. Most people who are easily influenced by others are able to hold back until they feel completely offended — only then can they give vent to their legitimate anger. The crux of the problem is that the overbearing grandmother feels that her mother’s unnatural patience and her final emotional outburst are signs of her being overly shy. Both of these signs encourage the grandmother to continue her nit-picking again and again. Ultimately, the mother will be able to stand her ground and keep the grandmother at a distance when she learns to confidently and firmly defend her opinion without breaking into a cry. (“This is the best solution for me and the baby…”, “The doctor recommended this method…”) A calm, confident tone is usually the most effective way to reassure the grandmother that the mother knows what she is doing.
As for the specific problems that the mother writes about, I believe that, if necessary, she should resort to the help of her own mother and a professional nanny, without informing her mother-in-law about this. If the mother-in-law finds out about this and raises a fuss, the mother should not show guilt or go crazy, she should act as if nothing happened. If possible, any disputes about child care should be avoided. In the event that the grandmother insists on such a conversation, the mother may show a moderate interest in him, avoid the argument and change the subject of conversation as soon as decency allows.
When the grandmother expresses the hope that the next child will be smart and beautiful, like relatives in her line, the mother can, without showing offense, express her critical remark on this matter. All these measures come down to the rejection of passive defense as a method of counteraction, to the prevention of insulting feelings and to maintaining one’s own calmness. Having learned to defend herself, the mother must take the next step — to stop running from her grandmother and get rid of the fear of listening to her reproaches, since both of these points, to a certain extent, indicate the unwillingness of the mother to defend her point of view.
So far, I have focused on the basic relationship between mother and grandmother and ignored the specific differences in the views of both women on such issues as force-feeding, ways and methods of care, petty custody of a small child, giving him the right to explore the world on his own. Of course, the first thing to say is that when there is a clash of personalities, the difference in views is almost infinite. Indeed, two women who would care for a child in almost the same way in everyday life will argue about the theory until the end of the century, because any theory of raising a child always has two sides — the only question is which one to accept. But when you get angry with someone, you naturally exaggerate the differences between points of view and rush into the fight like a bull on a red rag. If you find ground for a possible agreement with your opponent, then you shy away from it.
Now we must stop and acknowledge that child care practices have changed dramatically over the past twenty years. To accept them and agree with them, the grandmother needs to show extreme flexibility of mind.
Probably, at the time when the grandmother raised her children herself, she was taught that eating a child out of schedule leads to indigestion, diarrhea and pampers the baby, that the regularity of the stool is the key to health and that it is promoted by timely planting on the potty. But now she is suddenly required to believe that flexibility in the feeding schedule is not only acceptable but desirable, that regularity of stools has no special merit, and that a child should not be put on the potty against his will. These changes will not seem so radical to modern young mothers who are well acquainted with new methods of education. To understand the grandmother’s anxiety, a mother must imagine something completely unbelievable, such as feeding a newborn baby fried pork or bathing him in cold water!
If a girl was brought up in a spirit of disapproval, then it is quite natural that, having become a mother, she will be irritated with the advice of her grandmothers, even if they are sensible and given in a tactful manner. In fact, almost all new mothers are yesterday’s teenagers who strive to prove to themselves that they are at least open-minded about unsolicited advice. Most grandmothers who have a sense of tact and sympathy for mothers understand this and try to bother them with their advice as little as possible.
But a young mother who has been housekeeping since childhood is able to start a debate (about controversial parenting methods) with her grandmother without waiting for signs of disapproval from her. I knew many cases when a mother made too long intervals between feedings and planting on a potty, allowed a child to make a real mess out of food and did not stop his extreme gu.e.sti, not because she believed in the benefit of such actions, but because subconsciously I felt that this would greatly upset my grandmother. Thus, the mother saw an opportunity to kill several birds with one stone: constantly tease her grandmother, pay her off for all her past nit-picking, prove how old-fashioned and ignorant her views are, and, on the contrary, show how much she herself understands modern methods of education. Of course, in family squabbles over modern or old-fashioned parenting methods, most of us — parents and grandparents — resort to arguments. As a rule, there is nothing wrong with such disputes, moreover, the warring parties even enjoy them. But it is very bad if petty quarrels develop into a constant war that does not stop for many years.
Only the most mature and self-confident mother can easily seek advice, because she is not afraid to become dependent on her grandmother. If she feels that what she has heard is not appropriate for her or the child, she can tactfully decline the advice without making much noise about it, because she is not overcome by pent-up feelings of resentment or guilt. On the other hand, the grandmother is pleased that she was asked for advice. She does not worry about raising a child, because she knows that from time to time she will have the opportunity to express her opinion on this issue. And although she tries not to do it too often, she is not afraid to occasionally give unsolicited advice, because she knows that her mother will not be upset by this and can always reject it if she does not like it.
Perhaps my opinion is too ideal for real life, but it seems to me that in general it corresponds to the truth. Be that as it may, I would like to emphasize that the ability to ask for advice or help is a sign of maturity and self-confidence. I support mothers and grandmothers in their quest to find a common language, since not only they, but also children will benefit and satisfy from good relationships.