Contents
- What do you do when your daughter says she’s fat? She is seven years old, she is quite tall and strong girl, with an athletic figure. And she refuses to wear the cool, expensive down jacket I bought because she thinks it makes her even fatter. Where did she even come up with this?”
- “I now had to go on a diet to lose weight. My daughter watches with interest as I count calories and weigh portions. Am I setting a bad example for her?
- “My daughter is 16 and a bit overweight. I don’t want to bring this to her attention too much, but she does always take a refill when we have dinner, often steal cookies from the cupboard, and snack between meals. How do you tell her to eat less without making a big deal out of it?
- “Daughter is 13 and she quit playing basketball. She says that she has succeeded enough and does not want to make a sports career. But I know that she is just shy to wear short shorts, as is customary there. How to solve the problem?»
- “Mother likes to compare herself to me and to my sister. She sometimes gives me things that she says she can’t fit anymore, and they are always too small for me. I wouldn’t want to do the same to my 14-year-old daughter.»
Are we kidding our teenage daughter’s desire to lose weight/eat another serving of spaghetti? Are we maniacally counting calories in our diet? Think about it: what idea of the body do we leave as a legacy to the child? Blogger Dara Chadwick answers these questions and more from Psychologies readers.
“The best thing a mother can do is to start with her own body,” says author Dara Chadwick. In 2007, she won a competition among bloggers who kept weight loss diaries on the website of a popular US fitness magazine. The more Dara lost weight, the more anxiety grew in her: how will her constant preoccupation with kilograms and calories affect her daughter? She then reflected on the fact that her troubled relationship with her weight had in turn been affected by her relationship with her own mother’s body. As a result of these reflections, she wrote her book.
We asked Dara Chadwick to answer the most popular questions from Psychologies readers.
What do you do when your daughter says she’s fat? She is seven years old, she is quite tall and strong girl, with an athletic figure. And she refuses to wear the cool, expensive down jacket I bought because she thinks it makes her even fatter. Where did she even come up with this?”
I prefer to blame bad clothes for looking bad rather than my body. So if your daughter hates this down jacket, take it back to the store. But let your daughter know: you are returning the down jacket because she is uncomfortable in it, and not because «it makes her fatter.» As for her self-critical view, it could have come from anywhere. Try to ask directly: «Why do you think so?» If it opens, it will be an excellent opportunity to talk about the «correct» shapes and sizes, about different ideas about beauty and health.
Remember that girls in their teens are pre-conditioned to criticize and reject themselves, and do not say what you think directly.
“I now had to go on a diet to lose weight. My daughter watches with interest as I count calories and weigh portions. Am I setting a bad example for her?
When I lost weight for a year, I told my daughter that I wanted to be healthy, not skinny. And we talked about the importance of eating healthy, exercising and being able to manage stress. Pay attention to how your daughter perceives your progress with a new diet. Talk more about feeling better than how many pounds you’ve lost. And in general, try to talk about yourself well all the time. If one day you don’t like the way you look, focus on the part that you do like. And let the daughter hear your compliments to herself. Even a simple “I love the color of this blouse so much” is much better than “Ugh, I look so fat today.”
What matters is not what you say, but what you do. Do not talk to her about excess weight and calories. If she is fat, believe me, she already knows about it. Does she have an active lifestyle? Perhaps she just needs extra energy, recharging. Or she is going through a difficult period at school, in relationships with friends, and food calms her. If you want to change her eating habits, raise the issue of the importance of healthy eating. Say that you are determined to make the whole family’s meals more balanced, and ask her to help you in the kitchen. Talk about what’s going on in her life. And set an example for her, show that you yourself prefer healthy dishes and do not snack between times.
“Daughter is 13 and she quit playing basketball. She says that she has succeeded enough and does not want to make a sports career. But I know that she is just shy to wear short shorts, as is customary there. How to solve the problem?»
First, ask her if she would like to take up some other sport. Girls often feel shy about themselves in adolescence, this is normal. But maybe she just got tired of basketball. The most important thing that every mother should remember is to avoid any condemnation and at the same time try to instill in children a love of an active lifestyle, to show that physical activity is not records and victories, but great pleasure. If sport is no longer a pleasure, it’s time to try something else.
“Mother likes to compare herself to me and to my sister. She sometimes gives me things that she says she can’t fit anymore, and they are always too small for me. I wouldn’t want to do the same to my 14-year-old daughter.»
A lot of girls who feel that their figure can not compete with the long legs / thin waist of their mothers, take any of their comments as criticism of them. And vice versa. There are mothers who experience excruciating jealousy when they hear compliments addressed to their daughters. Think about what you say. Remember that teenage girls are pre-conditioned to criticize and reject themselves, and don’t say what you think, even if she asks for your opinion. Better listen to her very carefully, and you will understand what kind of answer she needs.