Sometimes we say one thing, but think the exact opposite — which negatively affects communication with other people. How to learn to better understand the interlocutors and receive additional information from them? Try to slow down and enter the «viscous contact» state.
In everyday communication, we often react to the words of the interlocutor too quickly, automatically, and this leads to unnecessary conflicts. I want to share my metaphor, which helps to avoid such automatism.
One of the tasks solved in psychotherapy is to understand how the client’s communication works. Both external, with other people and, in particular, with the therapist, and internal — when there is a dialogue between different subpersonalities. It is more convenient to disassemble it at low speeds, slowing down. To have time and notice some phenomena, and comprehend them, and choose the best way to respond.
I call this slowdown «viscous contact». In physics, viscosity is created by the resistance of space: particles of matter or a field prevent a body from moving too fast. In contact, such resistance ensures active attention.
Concentrating attention on the other, we seem to slow down the impulses emanating from it — words, gestures, actions …
A special role is played by questions aimed not at what the interlocutor says to me (what idea is he trying to convey?), but at how this happens (in what tone does he speak? How does he sit, breathe, gesticulate?).
So I can do several things at once. First, I react less to content, which allows me to slow down my automatic reactions. Secondly, I get additional information, usually hidden. For example, in a session I hear: «I don’t like you very much.» The usual natural reaction for me would be defense, and even a retaliatory attack — “Well, if you don’t like me, then goodbye.”
But turning my attention to how the sharp phrase was said, with what tone, gestures and posture it was accompanied, I slow down and put off my own answer. At the same time, I can notice: a person verbally tries to break off relations with me, but sits confidently and comfortably in a chair, obviously not intending to leave
And then what is it? How to explain such behavior? Can the client himself explain it?
A more constructive dialogue and a new line in therapy can grow out of the discovered contradiction.
I also wonder what is happening to me: how does the interlocutor influence me? Do his words irritate me or evoke sympathy? Do I want to move away from him or move closer? What does our communication resemble — fight or dance, trade or cooperation?
Over time, clients also learn to manage attention by asking the question: “What is happening and how is it happening?” Little by little, they slow down and begin to live more attentive and, as a result, richer lives. After all, as one Buddhist master said, if we live inattentively, we die among dreams.