You have already become acquainted with the principle that can be considered the basis of our relationship with the child — its non-judgmental, unconditional acceptance. We talked about how important it is to constantly tell the child that we need and care about him, that his existence is a joy for us.
An immediate question-objection arises: it is easy to follow this advice in calm moments or when everything is going well. And if the child does “the wrong thing”, does not obey, annoys? How to be in these cases?
We will answer this question in parts. In this lesson, we will analyze situations in which your child is busy with something, does something, but does, in your opinion, “wrong”, badly, with mistakes.
Imagine a picture: the kid is enthusiastically fiddling with the mosaic. It turns out that not everything is right for him: the mosaics crumble, mix up, are not immediately inserted, and the flower turns out to be “not like that”. You want to intervene, teach, show. And now you can’t stand it: “Wait,” you say, “not like this, but like this.” But the child replies with displeasure: «Don’t, I’m on my own.»
Another example. A second grader writes a letter to his grandmother. You look over his shoulder. The letter is touching, but only the handwriting is clumsy, and there are a lot of mistakes: all these famous children’s “seek”, “sense”, “I feel” … How can one not notice and not correct? But the child, after the comments, gets upset, turns sour, does not want to write further.
Once, a mother remarked to a rather adult son: “Oh, how clumsy you are, you should have learned first …” It was the son’s birthday, and in high spirits he recklessly danced with everyone — as best he could. After these words, he sat down on a chair and sat gloomily for the rest of the evening, while his mother was offended by his insult. The birthday was ruined.
In general, different children react differently to parental “wrong”: some become sad and lost, others are offended, others rebel: “If it’s bad, I won’t do it at all!”. As if the reactions are different, but they all show that children do not like such treatment. Why?
To understand this better, let’s remember ourselves as children.
How long have we not been able to write a letter ourselves, sweep the floor cleanly, or deftly hammer a nail? Now these things seem simple to us. So, when we show and impose this “simplicity” on a child who is really having a hard time, we are acting unfairly. The child has the right to take offense at us!
Let’s look at a one-year-old baby who is learning to walk. Here he unhooked from your finger and takes the first uncertain steps. With each step, he hardly maintains balance, sways, and tensely moves his little hands. But he is happy and proud! Few parents would think to teach: “Is this how they walk? Look how it should be! Or: “Well, what are you all rocking? How many times have I told you not to wave your hands! Well, go through again, and so that everything is correct?
Comic? Ridiculous? But just as ridiculous from a psychological point of view are any critical remarks addressed to a person (whether a child or an adult) who is learning to do something himself!
I foresee the question: how can you teach if you don’t point out mistakes?
Yes, knowledge of errors is useful and often necessary, but they must be pointed out with extreme caution. First, don’t notice every mistake; secondly, it is better to discuss the mistake later, in a calm atmosphere, and not at the moment when the child is passionate about the matter; Finally, remarks should always be made against the backdrop of general approval.
And in this art we should learn from the children themselves. Let us ask ourselves: does a child sometimes know about his mistakes? Agree, he often knows — just as a one-year-old baby feels the unsteadiness of steps. How does he deal with these mistakes? It turns out to be more tolerant than adults. Why? And he is already satisfied with the fact that he is succeeding, because he is already “going”, albeit not firmly yet. Besides, he guesses: tomorrow will be better! As parents, we want to achieve better results as soon as possible. And it often turns out quite the opposite.
Four Results of Learning
Your child is learning. The overall result will consist of several partial results. Let’s name four of them.
First, the most obvious being the knowledge he will gain or the skill he will master.
Second the result is less obvious: it is the training of the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself.
The third the result is an emotional trace from the lesson: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or uncertainty in one’s abilities.
Finally, the fourth the result is a mark on your relationship with him if you took part in the classes. Here the result can also be either positive (they were satisfied with each other), or negative (the treasury of mutual dissatisfaction was replenished).
Remember, parents are in danger of focusing only on the first result (learned? learned?). In no case do not forget about the other three. They are much more important!
So, if your child builds a strange “palace” with blocks, sculpts a dog that looks like a lizard, writes in clumsy handwriting, or talks about a movie not very smoothly, but is passionate or focused — do not criticize, do not correct him. And if you also show a sincere interest in his case, you will feel how mutual respect and acceptance of each other, which are so necessary for both you and him, will increase.
Once the father of a nine-year-old boy confessed: “I am so picky about my son’s mistakes that I have discouraged him from learning anything new. Once we were fond of assembling models. Now he makes them himself, and he does great. However stuck on them: all models yes models. But he does not want to start any new business. He says I can’t, it won’t work out — and I feel this is because I completely criticized him.
I hope you are now ready to accept the rule that should guide those situations when the child is busy with something on his own. Let’s call it
Rule 1.
Don’t interfere in the child’s business unless he asks for help. With your non-intervention, you will inform him: “You are all right! Of course you can do it!”
Hometasks
Task one
Imagine a range of tasks (you can even make a list of them) that your child can basically handle on his own, although not always perfectly.
Task two
To begin with, choose a few things from this circle and try not to interfere with their implementation even once. At the end, approve the child’s efforts, regardless of their result.
Task three
Remember two or three mistakes of the child that seemed especially annoying to you. Find a quiet time and the right tone to talk about them.