Contents
We talked about how important it is to leave the child alone if he wants to do something himself and does it with pleasure (Rule 1).
Another thing is if he has come across a serious difficulty with which he cannot cope. Then the position of non-intervention is not good, it can only bring harm.
The father of an eleven-year-old boy says: “We gave Misha a designer for his birthday. He was delighted, immediately began to collect it. It was Sunday and I was playing with my youngest daughter on the carpet. Five minutes later I hear: “Dad, it’s not working, help.” And I answered him: “Are you small? Figure it out yourself.» Misha grew sad and soon abandoned the designer. So since then it hasn’t been suitable for him.”
Why do parents often answer the way Mishin’s father answered? Most likely, with the best of intentions: they want to teach children to be independent, not to be afraid of difficulties.
It happens, of course, and something else: once, uninteresting, or the parent himself does not know how to. All these «pedagogical considerations» and «good reasons» are the main obstacles to the implementation of our Rule 2. Let’s write it down first in general terms, and later in more detail, with explanations. Rule 2
If it is difficult for a child and he is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him.
It is very good to start with the words: «Let’s go together.» These magic words open the door for the child to new skills, knowledge and hobbies.
At first glance it may seem that Rules 1 and 2 contradict each other. However, this contradiction is apparent. They just refer to different situations. In situations where Rule 1 applies, the child does not ask for help and even protests when it is given. Rule 2 is used if the child either directly asks for help, or complains that he “does not succeed”, “does not work out”, that he “does not know how”, or even leaves the work he has begun after the first failures. Any of these manifestations is a signal that he needs help.
Our Rule 2 is not just good advice. It is based on a psychological law discovered by the outstanding psychologist Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky. He called it «the child’s zone of proximal development.» I am deeply convinced that every parent should certainly know about this law. I’ll tell you about it briefly.
It is known that at every age for each child there is a limited range of things that he can handle himself. Outside this circle are things that are accessible to him only with the participation of an adult, or inaccessible at all.
For example, a preschooler can already fasten buttons, wash his hands, put away toys, but he cannot organize his affairs well during the day. That is why in the family of a preschooler the parental words “It’s time”, “Now we will”, “First we will eat, and then …”
Let’s draw a simple diagram: one circle inside another. The small circle will denote all the things that the child can do on his own, and the area between the borders of the small and large circles will indicate the things that the child does only with an adult. Outside the larger circle there will be tasks that are now beyond the power of either him alone or together with his elders.
Now we can explain what L. S. Vygotsky discovered. He showed that as the child develops, the range of tasks that he begins to perform independently increases due to those tasks that he previously performed together with an adult, and not those that lie outside our circles. In other words, tomorrow the child will do by himself what he did today with his mother, and precisely because it was “with his mother”. The zone of affairs together is the golden reserve of the child, his potential for the near future. That is why it is called the zone of proximal development. Imagine that for one child this zone is wide, that is, parents work with him a lot, and for another it is narrow, since parents often leave him to himself. The first child will develop faster, feel more confident, more successful, more prosperous.
Now, I hope, it will become more clear to you why to leave a child alone where it is difficult for him “for pedagogical reasons” is a mistake. This means not taking into account the basic psychological law of development!
I must say that children feel good and know what they need now. How often do they ask: “Play with me”, “Let’s go for a walk”, “Let’s tinker”, “Take me with you”, “Can I also be …”. And if you do not have really serious reasons for refusal or delay, let there be only one answer: “Yes!”.
And what happens when parents regularly refuse? I will cite as an illustration a conversation in a psychological consultation.
MOTHER: I have a strange child, probably not normal. Recently, my husband and I were sitting in the kitchen, talking, and he opens the door, and goes straight to the carrying with a stick, and hits right!
INTERVIEWER: How do you usually spend time with him?
MOTHER: With him? Yes, I won’t go through. And when to me? At home, I’m doing chores. And he walks with his tail: play and play with me. And I told him: “Leave me alone, play yourself, don’t you have enough toys?”
INTERVIEWER: And your husband, does he play with him?
MOTHER: What are you! When my husband comes home from work, he immediately looks at the sofa and TV …
INTERVIEWER: Does your son approach him?
MOTHER: Of course he does, but he drives him away. «Don’t you see, I’m tired, go to your mother!»
Is it really so surprising that the desperate boy turned «to physical methods of influence»? His aggression is a reaction to the abnormal style of communication (more precisely, non-communication) with his parents. This style not only does not contribute to the development of the child, but sometimes becomes the cause of his serious emotional problems.
Now let’s look at some specific example of how to apply
Rule 2
It is known that there are children who do not like to read. Their parents are rightly upset and try by any means to accustom the child to the book. However, often nothing works.
Some familiar parents complained that their son reads very little. Both wanted him to grow up as an educated and well-read person. They were very busy people, so they limited themselves to getting the “most interesting” books and putting them on the table for their son. True, they still reminded, and even demanded, that he sat down to read. However, the boy indifferently passed by whole stacks of adventure and fantasy novels and went outside to play football with the guys.
There is a surer way that parents have discovered and are constantly rediscovering: to read with the child. Many families read aloud to a preschooler who is not yet familiar with letters. But some parents continue to do this even later, when their son or daughter is already going to school, I will immediately note that to the question: “How long should I read with a child who has already learned how to put letters into words?” — cannot be answered unequivocally. The fact is that the speed of automation of Reading is different for all children (this is due to the individual characteristics of their brain). Therefore, it is important to help the child to get carried away with the content of the book during the difficult period of learning to read.
In a parenting class, a mother shared how she got her nine-year-old son interested in reading:
“Vova didn’t really like books, he read slowly, he was lazy. And due to the fact that he did not read much, he could not learn to read quickly. So it turned out something like a vicious circle. What to do? Decided to get him interested. I began to choose interesting books and read to him at night. He climbed into bed and waited for me to finish my household chores.
Read — and both were fond of: what will happen next? It’s time to turn off the light, and he: «Mommy, please, well, one more page!» And I myself am interested … Then they agreed firmly: another five minutes — and that’s it. Of course, he looked forward to the next evening. And sometimes he didn’t wait, he read the story to the end himself, especially if there wasn’t much left. And no longer I told him, but he told me: “Read it for sure!” Of course, I tried to read it in order to start a new story together in the evening. So gradually he began to take the book in his hands, and now, it happens, you can’t tear it off!
This story is not only a great illustration of how a parent created a zone of proximal development for his child and helped to master it. He also convincingly shows that when parents behave in accordance with the described law, it is easy for them to maintain friendly and benevolent relations with their children.
We have come to write down Rule 2 in its entirety.
If the child is having a hard time and is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. Wherein:
1. Take on only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do.
2. As the child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him.
As you can see, now Rule 2 explains exactly how to help a child in a difficult matter. The following example illustrates well the meaning of the additional clauses of this rule.
Many of you have probably taught your child how to ride a two-wheeled bicycle. It usually starts with the fact that the child sits in the saddle, loses balance and tries to fall along with the bike. You have to grab the handlebars with one hand and the saddle with the other to keep the bike upright. At this stage, almost everything is done by you: you are carrying a bicycle, and the child is only clumsily and nervously trying to pedal. However, after a while you find that he began to straighten the steering wheel himself, and then you gradually loosen your hand.
After a while, it turns out that you can leave the steering wheel and run from behind, only supporting the saddle. Finally, you feel that you can temporarily let go of the saddle, allowing the child to ride a few meters on his own, although you are ready to pick him up again at any moment. And now comes the moment when he confidently rides himself!
If you look closely at any new business that children learn with your help, many things will turn out to be similar. Children are usually active and they are constantly striving to take over what you are doing.
If, playing an electric railway with his son, the father first assembles the rails and connects the transformer to the network, then after a while the boy strives to do it all himself, and even lays the rails in some interesting way of his own.
If the mother used to tear off a piece of dough for her daughter and let her make her own, «children’s» pie, now the girl wants to knead and cut the dough herself.
The desire of the child to conquer all the new «territories» of affairs is very important, and it should be guarded like the apple of an eye.
We have come to perhaps the most subtle point: how to protect the child’s natural activity? How not to score, not to drown it out?
How does it happen
A survey was conducted among teenagers: do they help at home with the housework? The majority of students in grades 4-6 answered in the negative. At the same time, the children expressed dissatisfaction with the fact that their parents do not allow them to do many household chores: they do not allow them to cook, wash and iron, go to the store. Among students in grades 7-8, there were the same number of children who were not employed in the household, but the number of dissatisfied was several times less!
This result showed how the desire of children to be active, to take on various tasks fades, if adults do not contribute to this. The subsequent reproaches against children that they are «lazy», «unconscientious», «selfish» are as belated as they are meaningless. These «laziness», «irresponsibility», «egoism» we, parents, without noticing it, sometimes create ourselves.
It turns out that parents are in danger here.
The first danger transfer too early your share for the child. In our bicycle example, this is equivalent to releasing both the handlebars and the saddle after five minutes. The inevitable fall in such cases can lead to the fact that the child will lose the desire to sit on the bike.
The second danger is the other way around. too long and persistent parent involvement, so to speak, boring management, in a joint business. And again, our example is a good help to see this error.
Imagine: a parent, holding a bicycle by the wheel and by the saddle, runs next to the child for a day, a second, a third, a week … Will he learn to ride on his own? Hardly. Most likely, he will get bored with this meaningless exercise. And the presence of an adult is a must!
In the following lessons, we will return more than once to the difficulties of children and parents around everyday affairs. And now it’s time to move on to the tasks.
Hometasks
Task one
Choose something to start with that your child is not very good at. Suggest to him: «Come on together!» Look at his reaction; if he shows willingness, work with him. Watch carefully for moments when you can relax («let go of the wheel»), but do not do it too early or abruptly. Be sure to mark the first, even small independent successes of the child; Congratulate him (and yourself too!).
Task two
Choose a couple of new things that you would like the child to learn to do on his own. Repeat the same procedure. Again, congratulate him and yourself on his success.
Task three
Be sure to play, chat, talk heart to heart with your child during the day so that the time spent with you is positively colored for him.
Questions from parents
QUESTION: Will I spoil the child with these constant activities together? Get used to shifting everything to me.
ANSWER: Your concern is justified, at the same time it depends on you how much and for how long you will take on his affairs.
QUESTION: What should I do if I have no time to take care of my child?
ANSWER: As I understand it, you have «more important» things to do. It is worth realizing that you choose the order of importance yourself. In this choice, you can be helped by the fact known to many parents that it takes ten times more time and effort to correct what was lost in the upbringing of children.
QUESTION: And if the child does not do it himself, and does not accept my help?
ANSWER: It appears that you have encountered emotional problems in your relationship. We will talk about them in the next lesson.
«And if he doesn’t want to?»
The child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks, it doesn’t cost him anything to collect scattered toys in a box, make a bed or put textbooks in a briefcase in the evening. But he stubbornly does not do all this!
“How to be in such cases? the parents ask. “Do it with him again?” See →