What stages of development does a couple go through? When are conflicts inevitable in a life together? What changes the appearance of a child? How are families organized in the era of individualism? The opinion of the psychoanalyst Eric Smadzh.
French psychoanalyst Eric Smadja is coming to Moscow to present the Russian edition of his book on modern couples and to conduct a two-day seminar as part of the master’s program in psychoanalytic psychotherapy at the National Research University Higher School of Economics.
We asked him what he thinks of a love union today.
Psychologies: Does the modern culture of individualism influence the idea of what kind of couple we would like to build?
Eric Smadja: Our society is characterized by ever-increasing individualism. Modern couples are unstable, fragile, diverse and demanding in relationships. This is my concept of a modern couple. These four properties express the influence of individualism on the creation of a couple. Today, one of the main conflicts in any couple is the opposition of narcissistic interests and the interests of the partner and the couple as a whole.
And here we are faced with a paradox: individualism reigns in modern society, and life in a couple forces us to give up some of our individual needs in order to share family life and make it our priority. Our society is paradoxical, it imposes paradoxical attitudes on us. On the one hand, it encourages growing individualism, but on the other hand, it imposes universal, homogeneous forms of behavior on all its members: we must all consume the same thing, behave in the same way, think in a similar way …
It would seem that we have freedom of thought, but if we think differently than others, they look askance at us, and sometimes they perceive us as outcasts. When you go to any major mall, you see the same brands there. Whether you are Russian, Argentinian, American or French, you are buying the same thing.
What is the most difficult thing in life together?
There is no the most difficult, there are several difficulties that will always be. Living “with yourself” is already difficult enough, living with another person is even more difficult, even if you are connected by great love. When we are dealing with another person, it is difficult for us, because he is different. We are dealing with otherness, not our narcissistic counterpart.
Every couple faces conflict. First conflict – between identity and otherness, between “I” and “other”. Even if mentally we are aware of our differences, on a mental level it is difficult for us to accept that the other is different from us. This is where the full force of our narcissism, omnipotent and dictatorial, comes into play. Second conflict manifests itself in the search for a balance between narcissistic interests and the interests of the object, between my own interests and the interests of another.
The couple goes through periods of crisis. This is inevitable, because a couple is a living organism that evolves
Third conflict: the ratio of male and female in each of the partners, starting with sex and ending with gender roles in the family and in society. Finally, fourth conflict — the ratio of love and hate, Eros and Thanatos, which are always present in our relationships.
Another source of confusion — transfer. Each of the partners for the other is a figure of transference in relation to brothers, sisters, mother, father. Therefore, in a relationship with a partner, we re-play various scenarios from our fantasies or from childhood. Sometimes a partner will replace for us the figure of a father, sometimes a brother. These transference figures, embodied by the partner, become complications in the relationship.
Finally, like every person, a couple goes through periods of crisis in their life cycle. This is inevitable, because a couple is a living organism that evolves, changes, goes through its own childhood and its own maturity.
When do crises happen in a couple?
The first traumatic moment is the meeting. Even if we are looking for this meeting and want to create a couple, it is still a trauma. Already for one person this is a critical period, and then it becomes so for a couple, because this is the moment of birth of a couple. Then we begin to live together, triple our common life, get used to each other. This period may end with a wedding or other way of formalizing a relationship.
The third critical period is the desire or unwillingness to have a child, and then the birth of a child, the transition from two to three. This is really a huge trauma for each of the parents and for the couple. Even if you wanted a child, he is still a stranger, intruding into your life, into the protective cocoon of your couple. Some couples are so good together that they are afraid of the appearance of a child and do not want one. In general, this story about the invasion is very interesting because the child is always an outsider. To the extent that in traditional societies he is not considered human at all, he must be «humanized» through rituals in order to become part of the community in order to be accepted.
The birth of a child is a source of psychological trauma for each of the partners and for the mental state of the couple.
I say all this to the fact that the birth of a child is a source of psychological trauma for each of the partners and for the mental state of the couple. The next two crises are first the child’s adolescence, and then the departure of children from the parental home, the empty nest syndrome, and the aging of partners, retirement, when they find themselves alone with each other, without children and without work, become grandparents …
Family life goes through critical phases that change us and in which we grow up, become wiser. Each of the partners must learn to endure difficulties, fears, dissatisfaction, conflicts. It is necessary to use the creativity of each for the benefit of the couple. During the conflict, it is necessary that each of the partners knows how to use his «good masochism».
What is good masochism? It is to use our ability to endure frustration, to endure difficulties, to delay pleasure, to wait. In moments of acute conflict, in order not to part and survive this test, we need the ability to endure, and this is good masochism.
How does it feel for a couple who does not want or cannot have a child? Is it easier to accept now than before?
In contrast to the traditional society, modern couples adhere to various forms of marital, sexual life. The modern family recognizes the right not to have a child. The society accepts families without children, as well as single women with a child and men with children. This, perhaps, is one of the great changes in society: if we do not have children, this does not mean that they will point the finger at us, that we are worse than others, that we are a second-class couple. Nevertheless, in the collective unconscious and in the unconscious of individuals, a childless couple is perceived as something strange.
But again, it all depends on which society we are talking about. Everything depends on the image of a man and a woman as representatives of this society. For example, in the society of North Africa, if a woman does not have a child, she cannot be considered a woman, if a man does not have children, he is not a man. But even in Western society, if you don’t have children, people around you start talking about it: it’s a pity that they don’t have a child, and why is it so, it’s too selfish, they probably have some kind of physiological problems.
Why do couples still break up?
The main reasons for parting are sexual dissatisfaction and lack of communication in a couple. If the sex life, which we today consider of great value, suffers, this can provoke the separation of partners. Or if we do not have enough sex in a couple, we begin to look for sexual satisfaction on the side. When the couple can no longer find a way out, they decide to leave.
Over-identification with the other endangers my narcissism and my self-identity.
Another factor — when one of the spouses can no longer endure living together, rushes to freedom. If one of the partners pays a lot of attention and energy to the family, while the other is focused on personal development, then living together loses its meaning. Some fragile individuals with narcissistic tendencies come to the conclusion that «I can no longer live in a couple, not because I no longer love, but because it destroys my personality.» In other words, over-identification with the other endangers my narcissism and my self-identification.
How acceptable are outside connections today?
In a modern couple, each partner should have enough freedom. Individual, narcissistic interests have assumed great importance. There are fewer restrictions. But on a psychological level, a certain agreement, a narcissistic contract, is concluded in a couple. «I chose you, we chose each other, driven by the desire for exclusivity and the eternity of our relationship.» In other words, I promise that you are my only, unique partner, and I will always be with you. This idea is shared by the Christian concept of marriage. This idea may be in our head, but not always everything happens that way.
We create couples, assuming that the other person will seduce us, that we will have love stories with others.
Freud said that the libido of each of the partners is changeable, it wanders from one object to another. Therefore, the initial agreement is difficult to fulfill throughout life together, it conflicts with the variability of libido. So today, with the growth of individualism and freedom, we create couples, assuming that the other person will seduce us, that we will have love stories with others. It all depends on how each of the partners within the couple will change, what will be his mental development, and we cannot know this in advance.
In addition, it depends on the evolution of the couple itself. What kind of marriage culture did it develop? Can we, in the chosen family culture, with a certain partner, have other extraneous connections? Maybe there can be stories on the side that do not hurt the partner and do not endanger the existence of the couple.