Optimism is now in trend — we are encouraged to «look at life with a smile» and «look for the good in everything.» Is it so useful, says psychotherapist Whitney Goodman.
Thoughts can change lives. Faith in the best helps to strive for more and not lose hope. Studies show that optimists experience less stress every day and are less prone to depression. In addition, they feel better than those who see life in dark colors.
But is optimism really the key to a happy and problem-free life?
It is generally accepted that positive is a panacea for any problems. Even cancer patients are advised to look at the world with optimism, arguing that this is an extremely important, if not indispensable part of successful treatment. Actually it is not. Optimism does not guarantee that we will live happily ever after. Positive thoughts can affect health, but this is not the only important factor, and the ability to see the good in everything is not a salvation from unpleasant situations: it only makes it easier to experience them.
What happens when the positivity suddenly stops working and we run into problems? When others advise us to look at everything easier, but it seems impossible?
These tips make us wonder why we don’t succeed: why we can’t look at the world differently, appreciate what they do for us more, smile more often. It seems that everyone around knows the secret that they forgot to dedicate us to, and therefore nothing works. We begin to feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood, writes Whitney Goodman.
If we deny loved ones the right to express their true feelings, optimism becomes toxic.
Leaving no room for real emotions behind a positive outlook on the world, we are driving ourselves into a trap. If there is no opportunity to live through emotions, then there is no personal growth, and without this, any positive is just a pretense.
If we deny ourselves and loved ones the right to express true feelings, optimism becomes toxic. We say: “Look at it from the other side — it could be worse”, hoping that the interlocutor will feel better from such support. We have good intentions. And maybe the truth could be much worse. But such statements devalue the feelings of a person and deprive him of the right to negative emotions.
There are many benefits to positive thinking, but sometimes it’s better to look at the world through rose-colored glasses. Then we will be able to see both good and bad in what is happening, which means we can work through the situation and live it.
In the society of a person who feels bad, it is often difficult for us. It’s even harder to not try to do anything. We feel helpless and want to make things right. This helplessness makes us say banalities that irritate everyone, for example:
- «Look at it from the other side»;
- “People get worse, and you complain”;
- «Smile, everything is fine»;
- «Just look at the world more positively.»
It may seem to us that these phrases will somehow help, but this is hardly the case. If we were in the place of the interlocutor, we ourselves would certainly experience irritation. And yet we repeat these platitudes over and over again.
It’s hard to just watch how bad a loved one is. And yet, just being there is the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. Recognize that what is happening can be a problem. Perhaps later it will be a useful experience, but now it hurts.
Try not to deny yourself and the interlocutor the right to negative emotions. The best thing you can do for another is to listen and show understanding. Here are some words that might help:
- «Tell me how you feel now»;
- «I understand»;
- «Tell me, I’m listening to you carefully»;
- «I imagine what it’s like»;
- “I understand that this is very difficult for you”;
- «I want to help»;
- «I believe you».
Repeat your conversation partner’s words to show that you are listening. Use body language to show interest: look carefully at the interlocutor, move towards him when he talks. Talk less and listen more.
The lesson from the situation can only be learned after accepting and experiencing the emotions. Only after that comes the time for a positive attitude.
Both pessimists and optimists need time to cope with a difficult situation and survive what is happening.
Very often, those who look at the world positively can find meaning even in difficult and unpleasant situations. They can accept them without blaming themselves or loved ones. Flexibility of thinking is the hallmark of such people.
Pessimists often blame themselves and loved ones when something bad happens. They are harsh critics, it is often difficult for them to recognize even their objective achievements. But both pessimists and optimists need time to cope with a difficult situation and survive what is happening.
Try to remember the following:
- It’s okay if you can’t fall in love with yourself right away.
- It’s normal if you don’t come out to look at the world more positively.
- It’s okay to take time to forgive yourself and deal with the traumatic situation.
- It’s okay if you feel like it won’t get any better now.
- It is normal if you think that what is happening is one big injustice.
- Loving yourself is not a one-time process, it can take time.
- Just because you think everything is bad now, it doesn’t mean it will always be like this.
- Some things just happen. There is nothing wrong with experiencing negative emotions because of this. You don’t have to feel good all the time.
Looking at the world with optimism is, of course, wonderful. But do not deprive yourself and loved ones of the right to negative emotions. Real, not toxic, positivity is a way of coping with and learning from adversity, rather than ignoring them and devaluing the pain we experience in difficult situations.
About the Author: Whitney Goodman is a psychotherapist, family and marriage specialist.