Does your partner need to know everything you do professionally in order to support you? The question is not as simple as it seems, and the answer to it depends on what, in fact, you understand by support from a loved one.
Let’s imagine that you are an author and have written a novel, an article, or a scientific study. Should your partner make an effort to read it? Writer Morgan Jerkins believes so. “Never date or put your heart into someone who doesn’t bother to read your work,” she recently tweeted.
Some users agreed with her: “I realized that our marriage was over, already at the moment when my husband stopped reading what I write. At the beginning of the relationship, he literally tore the sheets with what was written out of my hands, but over time, more important things began to appear … ”Some were outraged by this tweet:“ Nonsense! I have been married for 18 years to a man who has not read a single line of what I write, but this has not affected my work or our marriage in any way. There are many other ways to support an author. My husband respects my work, asks the right questions and rejoices in my success – this is more than enough.
Perhaps writing is too common an example, but no matter what you do, the question of how much it costs to tell your partner about your work will sooner or later arise in any relationship. How to support a loved one or say that perhaps you lack participation? There is no single rule for everyone – you and your partner will have to negotiate.
If we strive to keep a loved one up to date with absolutely everything that happens at our work: what we managed in a week, which of our colleagues had a fight with, this may be a sign that we devote too much time to work, says coach Melody Wilding.
Having figured out what exactly you yourself lack, it is important to understand what your partner needs.
But what if, on the contrary, we draw too sharp a line between the two spheres of life? “There is no right pattern here,” says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes. “If both you and your partner are comfortable not sharing the details of your working life with each other, then this is the best option for your couple.”
Problems can begin when you or he no longer has enough support. But again, only you can decide what is worth sharing. “The clue is to look for in the emotions that arise in us,” explains Wilding. – Anger, frustration, resentment are signals that need to be paid attention to. We need to understand why these emotions arose.”
Having figured out what you yourself lack, it is important to understand what your partner needs. “Tension can arise if, for example, you want to devote your loved one to all the details of your projects and relationships at work, invite you to corporate events, but he is not interested,” the coach comments. “It is important that you are on the same wavelength in this matter.”
If you still do not agree in your views on the problem, you need to convey your attitude to the situation to your partner as tactfully as possible, avoiding attacks and accusations. To do this, the coach advises using “I-messages”. Try to work together, and not treat misunderstandings as a problem that a partner should solve.
“If you want your spouse to be more interested in what happens at your work, including in relationships with colleagues, explain why this is so important to you,” advises Wilding. “And before you start a conversation, make sure that you choose the right time, that he is not in a hurry and is ready for a detailed conversation.”
The fact that a loved one becomes your “vest” is by no means healthy for a relationship.
But what if the partner unnecessarily loads with details, talking about what he is doing? You can say: “I can’t keep up with you and sometimes I get lost in such a flow of information. Also, when you talk about work all evening, it starts to feel like I’m still in the office myself. Let’s think about how we can make it so that I can (la) listen to you without getting lost in the abundance of details, ”recommends Howes.
If your partner prefers to keep quiet about his work, you should not put pressure on him, but you can say: “I would like to know a little more about what you do, who you communicate with. It will be pleasant and important for me if you start sharing this, of course, in a format that is comfortable for you.
Some people are characterized by the other extreme: they use a partner as a “vest”, getting rid of the stress accumulated at work, “bringing” conflicts and troubles home. “So they want to either “digest” what happened, or find a way out, or let off steam, especially if you can’t do this at work,” explains Howes. But if you repeat the same thing over and over again, it turns from an attempt to solve the problem into the most ordinary complaint, which upsets the balance in your relationship.
“The fact that a loved one becomes your “vest” is not healthy for a relationship,” Melody Wilding is sure. “You become dependent on him or her, and that person is not your therapist. There is a great risk that all communication will gradually be reduced to whining about work. If you were appointed a “vest”, you can gently tell your partner that you do not agree with such a role. Absorbing someone else’s negativity is toxic to ourselves.
“For a healthy relationship, it’s important that we want to see our partner happy and successful,” says Wilding. “But for specific advice on career development or conflict resolution, you should contact a specialist: a psychotherapist, coach, career consultant.”