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«If the child is less than a year old, then he does not understand what his parents are doing in bed.» «If he’s under four years old, he’ll think it’s a game.» “After three years, it’s not worth it, he can tell someone what mom and dad are doing” — how many people, so many opinions about sex with children. What do experts say about this?
The question of whether it is possible to have sex with children is quite popular on women’s forums. Mothers are usually embarrassed that the child will begin to ask questions or talk about what he saw outside the home. Babies in such cases are supposedly not taken into account.
Some worry about their own feelings and draw parallels to what they feel when a cat looks at them in the process. And much less often people think about how parental sex will affect the child’s psyche in general.
A matter of boundaries
It is important to understand that, when discussing the ignorance of the child and the harmlessness of the groans and sighs he heard, we think too superficially about the child’s psyche.
Not only that, we are adults and cannot appreciate how a small child perceives the world around. We also forget about his personal boundaries, and yet they are formed from 3-4 months. Most often, such neglect occurs due to the fact that parents do not have enough knowledge about the field of psychosexual development of children.
In addition, fathers and mothers are little aware of their own boundaries and do not know how to protect them, and therefore violate the boundaries of the child. For example, having sex with him.
“When we secretly invite a child to take part in our intimate life, this is violence against him,” says psychologist Eva Egorova. “He hears groans, sees movement.” We do not ask his permission and, as it were, make him an accomplice in the process, even if the child does not understand what exactly is happening.
Until what age can you have sex with a child?
It is better to proceed from the position that sex is the business of adults, which has nothing to do with children.
If possible, make love in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in any other room. If there is no possibility, for example, you live with your parents or someone is in the next room all the time, you need to fence off the child’s personal space. This can be done even with the help of screens and partitions. In any case, we are talking about some kind of “acceptability” only in those cases when the child is sleeping.
“This is possible up to a maximum of two years, and better — up to a year and a half. But not when the child is in the parental bed, the psychologist emphasizes. — From the age of 3,5, the child is already beginning to form an attitude towards the sexes, the first feeling of his sexuality. At this age, one should definitely not have sex in front of him, so as not to harm his development.
When parents decide to make love in front of a child — even if he is only a year old and asleep — they take on a great responsibility.
Firstly, they may not hold back and the child will still hear sounds that are not intended for his ears. Secondly, parents may miss the moment when the baby already begins to understand something. These are risks that can lead to serious consequences.
How can the intimate life of parents affect the psyche of the child?
Parental sex can indeed cause psychological trauma to a child — the degree of harm depends on the context and how he explained what happened to himself, with or without the help of parents.
If the child decides that something bad has happened, it can provoke psychological stress, which over time can manifest itself through night terrors, enuresis, high anxiety, eating disorders, depression or low self-esteem.
“Sex with a child can also contribute to his early sexualization,” emphasizes Eva Egorova. “After all, parents are considered role models for children, by which they learn how to behave and identify.”
So, children begin to “demonstrate” their sexuality through cosmetics, outfits, accents on the body, raise the topic of sex too early and often, have an increased interest in children of the opposite sex, imitate sounds and actions of a sexual nature …
The list of consequences for the child’s psyche is very wide. Therefore, it is worth once again considering whether you can respect the boundaries of your child and ensure that he grows up safely and in a timely manner if you follow your desires.
What to do if a child caught parents having sex
You can’t pretend that nothing happened — you don’t know how long the child has seen everything and heard how much he is embarrassed, scared or surprised. He can draw conclusions on his own and decide that someone is hurting someone or that the parents are doing something wrong.
This situation should be a learning moment: depending on the age of the child, decide what you want to convey to him, and think over your speech and answers to his questions. It can be said that you touched each other to show your love — so the child understands that adults can express love through physical touch.
If he saw you without clothes — «sometimes mom and dad are more pleasant to lie without it, but only adults who love each other do this.» Through this answer, the understanding will be fixed that this is only adult behavior.1. At this point, it is necessary to explain to the child that you are not angry with him and that it is definitely not his fault in what happened.
If you retired to your room while the child was sleeping in the nursery, but then he woke up and came to you, you need to talk about personal boundaries. He should get used to the fact that you need to knock on the closed door of the bedroom of dad and mom before entering — but no one should enter him without knocking either.
1 Debra W. Haffner. From diapers to dating: a Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children. New York: Newmarket Press, 1999.