Anger: know the enemy by sight

What to do in the case when we are captured by emotions, especially negative ones? Can we curb, say, our anger? Psychologists are sure yes. In Mood Therapy, David Burns, MD, combines the results of extensive research and clinical experience to explain methods for reversing painful depressive conditions, reducing debilitating anxiety, and managing strong emotions in simple, easy-to-understand language.

The author does not in any way reject the need for drug treatment in severe cases, but believes that in many situations it is possible to do without chemistry and help the client, limiting himself to psychotherapy. According to him, it is our thoughts that determine feelings, so with the help of cognitive techniques, low self-esteem, guilt and anxiety can be dealt with.

“A sudden change in mood is the same symptom as a runny nose with a cold. All the negative states you experience are the result of negative thinking,” Burns writes. — Illogical pessimistic views play a key role in its emergence and preservation. Active negative thinking always accompanies depressive episodes or any painful emotions of a similar nature.

This means that you can start the process in reverse order: we remove illogical conclusions and thoughts — and return a positive or, at least, realistic view of ourselves and the situation. Perfectionism and fear of mistakes, anger, for which you are then ashamed … Anger is the most destructive feeling, sometimes literally. Self-directed anger often becomes a trigger for self-injurious behavior. And the rage spilled out destroys relationships (and sometimes lives). How to deal with it? Here’s what’s important to know about your anger, Burns writes.

1. No event can make you angry, only your gloomy thoughts give rise to anger.

Even when something really bad happens, your emotional response determines the meaning you attach to it. The idea that you are responsible for your anger is ultimately extremely beneficial for you: it gives you the opportunity to gain control and choose your own state.

How do you want to feel? You decide. If it were not so, you would be dependent on any event that takes place in the outside world.

2. In most cases, anger will not help you.

It only paralyzes you, and you freeze in your hostility and cannot achieve the desired results. You will feel much better if you pay attention to finding creative solutions. What can you do to deal with the difficulty, or at least lessen the chance that it will incapacitate you in the future? This attitude will help you deal with helplessness and frustration.

And you can also replace anger … with joy, because they cannot be experienced at the same time. Remember some happy moment in your life and answer the question how many moments of happiness you are ready to exchange for irritation.

3. Thoughts That Generate Anger Most Often Contain Distortions

If you correct them, you can reduce the intensity of passions. For example, when talking to a person and getting angry at him, you label him (“Yes, he is stupid!”) And see him in black. The result of overgeneralization is demonization. You put a cross on a person, although in fact you do not like him, but his act.

4. Anger is caused by the belief that someone is acting dishonestly or some event is unfair.

The intensity of anger will increase in proportion to how seriously you take what is happening as a conscious desire to harm you. The yellow light came on, the motorist did not give way to you, and you are in a hurry: “He did it on purpose!” But the driver could hurry himself. Did he think at that moment, whose haste is more important? Unlikely.

5. By learning to see the world through the eyes of others, you will be surprised that their actions do not seem unfair to them.

In these cases, injustice is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to give up the unrealistic notion that your notions of truth, injustice, justice and fairness are shared by all, much of the resentment and frustration will disappear.

6. Other people don’t usually feel like they deserve your punishment.

So, «punishing» them, you are unlikely to achieve the desired effect. Rage often only causes further deterioration in relationships, turns people against you, and works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. What really helps is the positive reinforcement system.

7. Much of anger has to do with protecting your self-worth.

Chances are, you often get angry when others criticize you, disagree with you, or don’t behave the way you want. Such anger is inadequate, because only your own negative thoughts destroy your self-esteem.

8. Despair is a consequence of unfulfilled expectations.

Disappointment is always associated with unrealistic expectations. You have the right to try to influence reality, but this is not always possible. The simplest solution is to change expectations by lowering the bar.

9. Insist that you have the right to be angry is pointless.

Of course, you have the right to feel angry, but the question is, do you benefit from being angry? What do you and the world gain from your rage?

10. Anger is rarely necessary to remain human.

It is not true that you will turn into an insensitive robot if you do not get angry. On the contrary, by getting rid of this annoying irritability, you will feel a greater zest for life, as well as feel how your joy, peace and productivity grow. You will experience a sense of release and clarity, says David Burns.