Afraid of being a «bad parent?» 9 questions to check

Raising children is a test. And, perhaps, the most difficult on our life path. Parents have to face countless complex psychological issues and make decisions in an effort to stay on track.

“Unfortunately, no parenting instruction comes with any child. Every baby is unique, and this opens up many ways to become a good parent,” says life coach Roland Legge.

We are not perfect and that’s okay. To be human means to be imperfect. But that’s not the same as being a «bad parent.»

According to the expert, the best gift we can give our children is our own health, in every way. By taking care of our emotional, physical and mental condition, we will have inner resources to give children love, compassion and wise instructions.

But if someone is worried about whether she is a good mother or a worthy father, most likely, such a person is already a much better parent than he thinks.

Roland Legge offers nine control questions for those who are overcome by doubts. In addition, these are nine useful reminders of the key points in wise parenting.

1. Do we forgive a child for minor mistakes?

When a child accidentally breaks our favorite mug, how do we react?

Parents who give themselves time to calm down before talking to their child will find opportunities to show their child unconditional love. A hug or a gesture can make him feel that he is forgiven, and create an opportunity for himself to learn a lesson from what happened. Patience and love can encourage the baby to be more careful.

The same parents who lash out at their child over a broken mug risk emotional separation from him. The more often a mother or father has such strong reactions, the more difficult it will be for the child to communicate with them. He may become afraid of our emotional outbursts or withdraw into his inner world. This can hinder development or encourage children to show anger by breaking more things in the house.

2. Are we trying to get to know our child better?

We are called to school because the child was rude to the teacher. What do we do?

Parents who go over what happened in detail with the teacher in the presence of the child open up opportunities for him to learn a useful lesson. For example, a child has had a bad day and needs to learn how to treat others better and be polite. Or maybe he was bullied at school, and his bad behavior is a cry for help. General conversation helps to better understand what is happening.

Parents who readily assume that their child is guilty and do not check their assumptions can pay dearly for this. Anger and unwillingness to understand what happened from the child’s point of view can lead to a loss of his trust.

3. Are we teaching our child about money?

We found that the child downloaded a lot of games on the mobile, and now we have a huge minus on our account. How will we react?

Parents who first calm down and make a plan to solve the problem before talking to the child make the situation more manageable. Help your child understand why they can’t download all the paid apps they like.

When one family member goes over budget, it affects everyone. Parents should help their children realize the value of money by thinking of some way to return what they have spent to the family. For example, by reducing the issuance of pocket money for a while or by connecting to household chores.

Parents who choose to ignore the situation risk having their children neglect money. This means that adults will face more and more unpleasant surprises in the future, and children will grow up without a sense of responsibility.

4. Do we hold the child accountable for his actions?

The child pulled the cat’s tail, and she scratched it. What do we do?

Parents who treat a child’s wounds and let the cat calm down create an opportunity for learning and compassion. After everyone comes to their senses, you can talk to the child so that he understands that the cat also needs respect and care.

You can ask the child to imagine that he is a cat, and his tail is pulled. He must understand that the pet’s attack was a direct result of mistreatment.

By punishing the cat and not bringing the child to responsibility, parents create problems for the future of the child himself and the well-being of the whole family. Without learning how to treat animals with care, people often experience difficulties in communicating with others.

5. Do we develop responsibility in the child using positive reinforcement?

After work, we pick up a daughter or son from kindergarten and find that the child has stained or stained all his new clothes. What do we say?

Parents with a good sense of humor will help the child cope with any problem. There is always a way to get out of a situation in a way that helps the child learn from their mistakes.

You can teach him to be more careful with his clothes by noticing and encouraging him when he returns from kindergarten or school clean and tidy.

Those who regularly lash out at a child for ruining their clothes can seriously damage their self-esteem. Often children become addicted when they try to please and make mom or dad happy. Or they go the opposite way and try to do everything possible to piss off adults.

6. Does the child know about our love for him?

Entering the nursery, we find that the wall is painted with paints, pencils and felt-tip pens. How will we react?

Parents need to understand that playing and testing them «for strength» is part of the process of growing up. There is no need to hide our disappointment, but it is important that the child knows that nothing will stop us from continuing to love him. If he’s old enough, you can ask him to help us clean up.

Parents who lash out at their children for any mess are unlikely to keep them from repeating such acts. Moreover, after angry scoldings, you can wait, they will do it again — and perhaps this time it will be even worse. Some children react to such situations with depression or self-harm, they may lose self-esteem or become addicted.

7. Do we listen to our child?

We had a busy day, we dream of peace and quiet, and the child wants to talk about something important. What are our actions?

Parents who take care of themselves can handle this situation. If at the moment we can’t listen at all, we can agree, set a time for the conversation and then listen to all the news. Let the child know that we are interested in hearing his story.

You should not let the child down — it is very important to take the time and listen to what worries him, good and bad, but first — give yourself a few minutes to calm down and recover before giving him all your attention.

Exhausted parents need to be careful not to be distracted from the lives of their children. If we push a child away when he especially needs us, he feels his insignificance, insufficient value. The reaction to this can take destructive forms, including addiction, bad behavior, and mood swings. And this will affect not only childhood, but also the whole future life.

8. Do we support the child on bad days?

The child is in a bad mood. Negativity emanates from him, and this affects the whole family. Our patience is at its limit. How will we behave?

Parents who understand that some days can be difficult will find a way out. And they will do everything possible to survive this day as well as possible, despite the behavior of the children.

Children are like adults. We all have “bad days” when we ourselves don’t know why we are upset. Sometimes the only way to get through a day like this is to sleep in and start over with a clean slate the next morning.

Parents who are angry at their children and at each other only make things worse. Yelling at or even spanking a child may make them feel better for a moment, but bad behavior will only make it worse.

9. Did we teach the child to share?

The holidays are coming and the kids are at war over who plays the computer. How do we react to this?

Parents who view such disputes as opportunities for development will make the most of them by helping their children learn to share with each other. And being temporarily bored can spark their imagination.

This is how we help children understand that they will not always get their way. The ability to cooperate and wait your turn can be a very useful skill in life.

The same parents who yell at their children and apply punishments lose their respect. Children begin to think that they can achieve their goal with noise and meanness. And if you buy a computer for each, then they will never learn to share, and this is an important skill that improves relationships with others.

TODAY IS BETTER THAN YESTERDAY

“If you take good care of yourself, you will be ready to handle all the ups and downs of family life, gradually becoming the wonderful parent you want to be,” says Roland Legge.

When we are calm, we can deal with any problems that our child faces. We can give him a feeling of love and acceptance and use even the most difficult situations to teach compassion, patience and responsibility.

We don’t have to be «perfect parents» and that’s impossible. But it is important to never give up when teaching and encouraging children to be good people. “Being a good parent is not giving up on yourself. And the question to ask yourself is: Do I strive every day to be the best parent I can be? By making mistakes, you draw conclusions and move forward,” writes Legge.

And if it becomes really difficult, you can seek professional help — and this is also a reasonable and responsible approach.

About the author: Roland Legge is a life coach.