How to be childless: 17 facts about those who do not want to have children

The XNUMXst century has become an era of struggle for the rights of those who have traditionally been humiliated, insulted, sought to isolate or even destroy physically. “And I want to say my word in defense of people who have abandoned the role of parents, choosing other goals and paths for themselves,” writes psychologist Bella de Paulo.

She refers to one of the most famous works devoted to childlessness, the book of the historian Rachel Chrastil «How to be childless: the history and philosophy of life without children», which widely covers the phenomenon of childlessness and attitudes towards it in society. What has changed, how has it changed, and what has remained the same over the past 500 years?

Childless or childfree?

First, we need to define terms. Charsteel considers the term «nulliparous» used by doctors to be unacceptable, especially since it cannot refer to men who do not have children. The term «childfree», that is, «free from children», in her opinion, is too aggressively colored.

She prefers to use the term «childless» in relation to people who do not want to have children. Although this word indicates a lack, a lack of something, and she does not consider the absence of children a problem.

“I call childless those who have no children, neither natural nor adopted,” Chrastil explains. “And those who have never taken part in the upbringing of the child and have never taken on guardianship responsibilities.”

Chrastil is childless herself — not because she cannot become a mother, but because she never wanted to. She shares facts about how attitudes towards childless people and childlessness have changed over the past 500 years.

Childlessness — an anomaly or the norm?

1. Childlessness is not a new phenomenon.

Childlessness has been widespread in the cities of northern Europe since about the 20th century. The baby boom was considered an anomaly, lasted for about XNUMX years, and then childlessness returned, even more «outrageous» and widely discussed than before. The phenomenon of childlessness is worldwide: it is present in all cultures, and at different times and in different places it was treated differently.

2. The highest number of childless women was noted among those born in 1900

24% of them never had children. Among those born 50 years later, between 1950 and 1954, only 17% of women aged 45 never gave birth.

3. In 1900, women had half as many children as in 1800.

For example, in 1800, an average of seven children appeared in one family, and in 1900 — from three to four.

The psychology of the childless and those who condemn them

4. During the Reformation era, social pressure was directed towards forcing women to give birth

The reason for such harsh measures in 1517–1648 was «fear that women would decide to evade their sacred duty.» Apparently, outside the family and without children, they felt much better. At the same time, childless men were not condemned to the same extent as women, and were not punished.

5. In the XNUMXth century, such a woman could be accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake.

6. The stereotype of a childless woman as a walking, selfish, depraved person has existed for centuries.

Chrastil refers to Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations, in which he wrote: «There are no public institutions for the education of women … They are taught what parents or guardians consider necessary or useful, and nothing else is taught.»

7. Between the XNUMXth and XNUMXth centuries, women were even less willing to marry than to have children.

Chrastil cites a 1707 pamphlet, The 15 Pluses of a Single Life, and another published in 1739, Valuable Advice to Women on Avoiding Marriage, as examples.

8. A large number of childless in the second half of the twentieth century is usually associated with the invention of birth control pills.

In addition, there are many more lonely people. But Chrastil believes that something else is more important — «growing tolerance for those who abandon the traditional model of the family and choose their own path.» Including such people marry, but do not become parents.

9. The idea of ​​personal choice already in 1960 began to be associated with the ideas of democracy and freedom

Loneliness and childlessness used to be ashamed, but now they have become associated with greater freedom of self-realization. However, as sad as it is to admit, people still condemn those who do not have children, especially if they abandoned the role of parents of their own free will. Yet in the 1970s, «people were able to change their minds about childlessness in a way that hadn’t happened before.»

Debunking the cult of motherhood

10. Thomas Robert Malthus, author of An Essay on the Law of Population, included a passage in 1803 praising single and childless women.

«In his work, the well-being of society, not the matron, was put in the first place.» But then he married and in 1826 removed this passage from the final edition.

11. Not all political leaders encouraged women to give birth

For example, in 1972, US President Richard Nixon created a birth control committee and condemned the traditional American large families, and also called on citizens to consciously approach the «children’s» issue.

12. Motherhood as a romantic ideal was debunked in 1980

Jean Veevers, who published Childless by Choice. In an interview, she said that many nulliparous women do not view motherhood as “a significant achievement or act of creation … For many women, a child is a book or a picture that they will never write, or a doctorate that they will never finish.”

13. In 2017, Orna Donat threw wood on the fire, publishing the article «Regrets of motherhood»

It collected interviews of women who regretted that they had become mothers.

childless and happy

14. Nowadays, marriage does not mean having children, and children do not mean at all that you are married or married.

Many single people have children, and many couples live without them. However, even in the last century it was believed that married people must have a child, and a single woman must be childless. “At the end of the XNUMXth and beginning of the XNUMXth centuries, those who chose childlessness also refused marriage.”

15. Older children without children prefer to live alone or in nursing homes

But people who have children are often left alone or end up in the care of the state. The reason is that children do not seek to take care of their parents, move to other cities and countries, open a business, take loans, quarrel and get divorced, use alcohol and drugs. They have their own lives, their own problems, and they don’t care about their parents.

16. Like 150 years ago, childless women are more independent today.

They are educated, less religious, more career-focused, easier on gender roles, and prefer to live in the city.

17. These days they earn more than their mothers, are more affluent, self-confident and self-sufficient.

Life is changing, and, fortunately, now the attitude towards childless women and men is different from what it was 500 years ago. They are no longer burned at the stake or forced to have children. And yet, many still think that a woman without a child is necessarily unhappy and she needs to be helped to realize how much she is losing. Refrain from tactless questions and useful advice. Perhaps she is childless because it is her conscious choice.

About the author: Bella de Paulo is a social psychologist and author of Behind the Door of Deception.