We fall in love with those who neglect us and reject those who love us. We are afraid to fall into this trap, and when we fall, we suffer. But no matter how difficult this experience, it can teach us a lot and prepare us for a new, mutual relationship.
how and why does «unrequited» love appear?
I put this word in quotation marks, because, in my opinion, there is no unrequited love: there is an energy flow between people, there are polarities — plus and minus. When one loves, the other undoubtedly needs this love, he evokes it, broadcasts the need for this love, albeit often non-verbally, specifically to this person: with his eyes, facial expressions, gestures.
It’s just that the one who loves has an open heart, while the one who «does not love», rejects love, has defenses in the form of fears or introjected, irrational beliefs. He does not feel his love and need for intimacy, but at the same time he gives double signals: he lures, charms, seduces.
The body of your loved one, his look, voice, hands, movements, smell tell you: “yes”, “I want you”, “I need you”, “I feel good with you”, “I am happy”. All this gives you complete confidence that he is «your» man. But out loud, he says, «No, I don’t love you.»
We have grown up, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love.
Where does this unhealthy pattern come from, which, in my opinion, is characteristic of an immature psyche: devalue and reject those who love us, and love those who are more likely to reject us?
Let’s remember childhood. All the girls were in love with the same boy, the “coolest” leader, and all the boys were in love with the most beautiful and impregnable girl. But if this leader fell in love with some girl, he immediately ceased to be interesting to her: “Oh, well, he … Carries my briefcase, walks on my heels, obeys me in everything. Weak.» And if the most beautiful and impregnable girl reciprocated some boy, he, too, often grew cold: “What’s wrong with her? She’s not a queen, just an ordinary girl. I’m stuck — I don’t know how to get rid of it.
Where is it from? From childhood traumatic experience of rejection. Unfortunately, many of us had rejecting parents. Father buried in the TV: in order to attract his attention, it was necessary to become more interesting than the “box”, do a handstand or walk with a wheel. An eternally tired and preoccupied mother, whose smile and praise could only be caused by a diary with only fives. Only the very best are worthy of love: smart, beautiful, healthy, athletic, independent, capable, excellent students.
Later, in adulthood, the richest, status, honorary, respected, famous, popular are added to the list of those worthy of love.
We have grown, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love. It is necessary to show miracles of heroism, overcome enormous difficulties, become the best, achieve everything, save, conquer, in order to feel the joy of mutual love. Our self-esteem is unstable, we have to constantly “feed” it with achievements in order to accept ourselves.
The pattern is clear, but as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it.
How can another person accept and love us if we do not love and accept ourselves? If we are simply loved for who we are, we do not understand: “I didn’t do anything. I am worthless, unworthy, stupid, ugly. Didn’t deserve anything. Why love me? Probably, he himself (she herself) does not represent anything.
“Since she agreed to have sex on the first date, she probably sleeps with everyone,” one of my friends complained. “She immediately agreed to make love to you, because of all the men she chose you. Do you really value yourself so low that you think that a woman cannot fall in love with you at first sight and sleep with you?
The pattern is clear, but this does not change anything: as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it. What to do for those who fell into the trap of «unrequited» love? Do not be sad. This is a difficult, but very useful experience for the development of the soul. So what does such love teach?
What can «Unrequited» love teach?
- support yourself and your self-esteem, love yourself in difficult conditions of rejection, without outside support;
- to be grounded, to be in reality, to see not only black and white, but also many shades of other colors;
- be present here and now;
- appreciate what is good in a relationship, any little thing;
- it’s good to see and hear a loved one, a real person, and not your fantasy;
- accept a loved one with all the shortcomings and weaknesses;
- sympathize, sympathize, show kindness and mercy;
- understand their real needs and expectations;
- take the initiative, take the first steps;
- expand the palette of feelings: even if these are negative feelings, they enrich the soul;
- live and withstand the intensity of emotions;
- express feelings through actions and words in order to be heard;
- appreciate the feelings of another;
- respect the boundaries, opinion and freedom of choice of a loved one;
- develop economic, practical, household skills;
- give, give, share, be generous;
- to be beautiful, athletic, fit, well-groomed.
In general, strong love, surviving in the harsh conditions of non-reciprocity, will force you to overcome many limitations and fears, teach you to do for your loved one what you have never done before, expand your palette of feelings and relationship skills.
But what if all this doesn’t help? If you yourself are an ideal, but the heart of your beloved will remain closed to you?
As Frederick Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, said: “If the meeting does not happen, nothing can be done about it.” In any case, the relationship skills and wide range of feelings you have learned in the experience of such love are your investment in yourself for life. They will stay with you and will definitely help you in a new relationship with a person who can reciprocate your love — with heart, body, mind, and the words: «I love you.»