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You are in love and easily ready to imagine a long and happy life together with your partner. But are you sure that your desires match? Are you ignoring signals that clearly indicate that he is interested in light entertainment, and everything else is a figment of your imagination? Our readers talk about their experiences of failed relationships. Gestalt therapist Natalia Artsybasheva comments.
1. You only meet late at night.
“He either came to me or invited me to come to him, and it was always very late,” recalls Vera. “Obviously, he was only interested in sex, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I hoped that over time everything would change and we would fully communicate. It didn’t happen, and I became attached to him more and more.”
2. You only spend time at home.
“Of course, everyone has days when they want to lie in bed and watch movies, but relationships suggest that you spend time as a couple: walking around the city, going to the movies or theaters, meeting friends,” says Anna. “Now I understand that his reluctance to get out somewhere is not due to the fact that he is a homebody (as I like to think), but only because he was mainly interested in sex with me.”
3. He only talks about sex all the time.
“At first I thought that he was very passionate about me and excessive fixation on the topic of sex is a manifestation of his passion,” Marina shares. “However, getting explicit images of his intimate parts in messages when I didn’t ask for it was unpleasant. I was in love and it took me a while to admit to myself that this was just another adventure for him.”
4. His words are at odds with his deeds
“Excessive compliments and assurances are a reason to be wary and check what he is really ready for,” Maria is sure. “When my mother fell ill and my friend’s support was needed, it became clear: he spoke all these beautiful words only so that I would be there.”
5. He cancels appointments
“I often took on the role of the organizer of our leisure time,” Inga admits. “And despite this, he could cancel our meeting at the last moment, citing urgent business. Unfortunately, I realized too late that I had not become for him the person for whom you can give up a lot.
6. He’s too closed
“We all differ in varying degrees of openness, however, if you trust him with information about yourself, and in return you get only a game of mysterious prince, he is most likely either hiding something from you, or does not consider you as a partner for a long-term relationship,” I’m sure Arina. — I have long lived with the illusion that he is simply taciturn and does not introduce me to family and friends, because he wants to test our relationship and introduce me to them as a bride in the future. Later it turned out that such secrecy gave him the opportunity to maintain relationships with several women at the same time.
7. He does not let go of the phone
“He just has a responsible job — this is how I justified my friend, until I finally realized: if he is easily distracted by extraneous calls and messages, this indicates not only his lack of education, but also that I am not very dear to him, ”- admits Tatyana.
“Such relationships reveal their own problems with the lack of internal support”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
What can unite women who maintain such connections? The partnership model is laid down in communication with parents. If we have received enough love, support and security, then we pass by partners who are prone to destructive relationships and use.
If, in childhood, one had to earn parental love, take responsibility for the emotional instability or infantilism of the parents, this unconsciously migrates to adult relationships. Love is associated with self-restraint, unhealthy self-sacrifice. We are looking for a partner who resurrects a childhood situation. And the state «I’m not feeling well» is associated with «this is love.»
It is necessary to restore an inner sense of security, gaining support in oneself
A distorted sense of security is formed in the relationship. If parents did not give this feeling, then in adulthood there may be problems with a sense of self-preservation. Like those women who «miss» danger signals. Therefore, it is not so important what these alarm bells are in relationships with unreliable men. First of all, it is worth starting off not from them, but from your inner “holes” that such partners fill. A confident person will not allow such a relationship to develop.
Can this model be changed? Yes, but it is not easy, and it is more effective to do it together with a psychologist. It is necessary to restore an inner sense of security, to gain support in oneself. In this case, you do not give up the relationship, but do not experience a painful thirst for love in order to fill the inner emptiness, relieve pain and gain a sense of security. You are able to organize this love and security yourself.
Then a new relationship becomes not a lifeline, but a gift to yourself and an ornament to your already quite good life.