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According to experts, there are 48,5 million infertile couples in the world today, and the situation is only getting worse over time. Let’s figure out why the infertility statistics continue to grow and what can be done to avoid a diagnosis.
If a woman has:
- uterus;
- at least one passable fallopian tube;
- ovary on the same side (or at least part of it);
- regular unprotected sex;
… but pregnancy does not occur within a year, we can talk about psychological infertility. And the most effective and safest tool for resolving the problem in this case is the help of a specialist psychotherapist.
No magic. Everything is clinically understandable. The fact is that at the time of birth, all systems of our body are already formed, except for one — reproductive. It develops throughout life, from childhood to adulthood.
And in each of these periods, most of us have enough psychological trauma.
More than a hundred years ago, the Russian physiologist Alexei Ukhtomsky introduced the concept of “life goal dominant” into scientific use. In simple terms, the dominant is what is most important for a person in a particular period of life. This is a key desire, a need.
Within the framework of our topic, it is worth talking about two dominants at once, which explain the growth of psychological infertility:
- reproductive dominant;
- dominant anxiety.
The reproductive dominant accompanies such stages as sexual desire and the choice of a sexual partner, and also triggers a number of physiological processes: egg maturation, endometrial growth, ovulation, implantation of the fetal egg in the uterus — and regulates the course of pregnancy.
The dominant anxiety, in turn, is responsible for our self-preservation.
The problem is that these two dominants are mutually exclusive.
If one is working, the other is disabled. For the body, the task of «surviving» is a priority task of «giving birth to a child.» When a woman has an idea on a subconscious (unconscious) level that it is dangerous or scary to become pregnant now, the reproductive dominant is suppressed with the help of physiological mechanisms triggered by the anxiety dominant.
What can activate anxiety dominance?
1. SUGGESTIONS FROM SIGNIFICANT ADULTS FROM CHILDHOOD AND YOUTH
Parents (or persons replacing them) are almost gods for children, and the child is ready to achieve their disposition by all means. Such a basic “setting” is necessary for him for the main thing — survival: “If I don’t like me, meet the expectations of my parents, they will refuse me, and then I will die.”
According to statistics from my practice, I can safely say that every third woman has heard the following statements from her mother since childhood:
- “Pregnancy is difficult”;
- “Childbirth is terrible, it hurts!”;
- “How I got pregnant with you, I was so blown away, now I have been suffering all my life!”;
- “It’s terrible, while you were fed, your whole chest sagged”;
- “Because of your birth, my career went down the drain”;
- “Children are ungrateful creatures, an extra mouth, a burden.”
Allow yourself to see that your parents are ordinary people who, most likely, did not take parenting courses and did not visit psychotherapists, did not read books on attachment theory and child psychology, and in general lived in another time when everything was different.
Write down on paper all the thoughts and destructive attitudes regarding pregnancy and childbirth that you received from the outside, and mentally give them to the authors. At the same point, it is worth noting the suggestions from some doctors in schools and antenatal clinics, which, unfortunately, most often baselessly put disappointing diagnoses on girls and shame them.
2. LACK OF PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH
Pregnancy and, as a result, motherhood presupposes psychological maturity — that is, the willingness to give strength to another and make independent decisions.
At the same time, it is typical in such stories that the shifting of responsibility to others: “Whoever took me in my arms …” or “Solve everything yourself” is quite common in women who are faced with a diagnosis of “infertility”.
Inner adulthood is a firm understanding that no one is obliged to support us and no one owes us anything. Adults do not refuse outside help, but they fully understand that this help is the choice of others, and not their duty.
3. READYNESS
The birth of children out of a sense of duty, under the yoke of “up to 30 each is obliged to give birth” is not the best motivation. Not wanting children for a certain period or in general during life is normal! Not meeting the expectations of a partner, loved ones and relatives seems scary to most. But still, it is important to make a clear choice: live without betraying yourself, or live for the sake of other people.
4. FEARS
- “There will be no help — I can’t cope”;
- “I will become terrible, I will become dumb on maternity leave”;
- «I can not bear»;
- “There is nothing to grow on — I can’t put it on my feet.”
It is important to realize that fears are our friends. Like the dominant of anxiety, they protect us, preserve us. And most importantly, we can learn to manage them. This is what is under our control.
5. DOUBT IN THE PARTNER
- For example, you choose to be with a man out of habit, without feelings;
- Do you have doubts about the correctness of the choice, you ask yourself: “Am I sure I want children from this man?”;
- Are you afraid of losing your partner due to pregnancy?
- There are fears that the partner will not be able to provide protection (including financial).
For those who have well-developed emotional-figurative thinking, I offer a simple but effective exercise — try to see yourself through the eyes of a partner. Feel like him for a few minutes and look at yourself, feel what it is like to be near you. Most likely, you will make sure that the man is glad to be your chosen one — after all, one way or another, he himself decides to stay close.
It is also worth answering honestly to yourself questions about why you are afraid that life with a partner will not work out after childbirth.
6. SELF-PUNISHMENT
As a rule, it is a consequence of feelings of shame and guilt for what has been done or not done. A woman who self-flagellates constantly has a monologue in the background in her head: “I don’t deserve the right to be a mother, I’m a terrible person”; «I don’t deserve to be a happy person.»
7. TRAUMA OF VIOLENCE
Once faced with pain and tension, the body can “remember” this fear for a long time. Where there is tension, the dominance of anxiety automatically turns on — there is no place for relaxation. And therefore, if you had to endure violence, the best way out would be to contact a psychotherapist.
In conclusion, I want to draw your attention to the fact that the manic desire for pregnancy can create all the same tension that ultimately blocks its onset.
As Ukhtomsky said, one of the possible ways out from under the influence of one of the dominants is new impressions, expansion of perception, search for new hobbies. Simply put, you need to shift the focus of attention from pregnancy to … yourself.
It is also useful to look at your own life from the outside and comprehend what exactly drives our thoughts, decisions, actions — to study your dominant anxiety and gradually reduce the level of feelings.
Take the temporary non-occurrence of pregnancy as a life lesson, not a punishment. A lesson that you are sure to realize, go through and get a chance to become a mother.