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Our behavior is influenced by internal prescriptions and expectations. How to detect this influence and make it favorable? Recommendations of a clinical psychologist.
You feel the way you think. This formula was proposed by the founder of rational-emotional therapy, Albert Ellis. He believed that negative attitudes limit us and prevent us from living the life that suits us. From them we build ourselves an inner prison.
How to disassemble it? Identify the area (work, family, social life) where negative attitudes are especially strong. Then start getting rid of them. Psychologist Denis Moskovchenko lists five ways to free yourself from restrictive prescriptions.
1. Forget that «I have to»
“I must”, “others must”, “the Universe must”… Who and when inspired this to us? This idea has no rational justification! Thinking like this, we doom ourselves to vain expectations and disappointments. And we lose access to real wants and needs, as well as to the resources that are required to recover from severe trials or setbacks.
Other ideas in the same series: «I must do everything well and get approval, otherwise I am good for nothing», «Others must treat me right and behave the way I want.» «Circumstances must allow me to get what I want in the way I want.» By discovering these beliefs, we will weaken their negative charge, and then we can abandon them.
Ask yourself questions instead: What do I need? What is important to me? What am I striving for? What can I do? Who and what can help me with this?
2. Be kind to yourself
Pay attention to the words you use when describing the past and making plans for the future. These constructions are not accidental: they reflect the way of thinking, the idea of oneself and the world. In what way do we tell ourselves what is happening now and think about the future? For example, do we talk about failure as a temporary state of affairs, or do we consider it a pattern? Our interpretation creates emotions in us, which in turn reinforce our beliefs.
Instead of repeating “I’m a failure,” “It didn’t work out, and I didn’t really hope,” try saying, “I did my best under the circumstances. I may have lacked mindfulness or knowledge at the time, but now I am doing my best to make up for it.” This is not about magical thinking (fantasizing that we change reality with the power of our thoughts), but about noticing and using factors that will help us move forward, instead of holding ourselves back with negative beliefs.
3. Consider your values
This does not mean: think only of yourself or think of yourself to the detriment of others. Our own conformism (the desire to meet someone’s expectations) and the opinions of others (parents, society, family, friends) on our account prevent us from embarking on the path of self-realization. Of course, we are aware of the influence of the unconscious and personal history on our lives. But after all, will and aspirations are also a real and effective force!
Put self-realization (in profession, love, creativity) at the center of your life and think about what resources (knowledge, skills, lifestyle, someone else’s help) will help you achieve this goal. We all want to be accepted, recognized, loved, but sometimes it is worth delaying the satisfaction of these aspirations and putting the realization of personal potential in the first place.
Identify what brings you happiness and meaning, and what you feel becomes a condition for your well-being — and do not give up on it. Make a commitment to protect your interests and spare no effort that it will take. Later, you will thank yourself for your will and perseverance.
4. Don’t beat yourself up
Some spoil their lives by repeating “I should have…”, “I could…” (act smarter, act differently). This self-flagellation is futile, it keeps us in a dead center. After we stumble, make a mistake, even a serious one, and experience guilt for a while, we have only two rational and productive options: to apologize and make amends.
The first forces us to face reality and take responsibility. The second, making amends, either concretely or symbolically, puts us back in action and restores our self-esteem. To stop scolding and reproaching yourself is to take life into your own hands and take the next step.
But what if the victim of the mistake is ourselves? In this case, it is also important to forgive yourself first. And then think about how to repair the damage we have suffered and learn from this experience.
5. Develop flexible thinking
Our mind, just like our body, can be fast and flexible or frozen and inactive. Develop cognitive flexibility: when evaluating each event — and especially one that hurts your «sick» feelings — consider your automatic thoughts not as truth, but as just one of the possible views on the situation.
When judging an event, come up with at least three explanations for what is happening. For example: a friend refused to help me. Why? 1) He fell out of love with me, 2) he promised to help his mother at this time, 3) he feels unwell, but hides it, 4) he was accepted into the cosmonaut corps and now he is answering from Mars. If your first version was gloomy, try to find something more positive. Conversely, if the first thing you see is something joyful, see what less rosy interpretations you can come up with.
It doesn’t matter if they are as believable as your original thought, variety is what matters. Look for new explanations for what is happening. Perhaps some of them will be less hurtful and more suitable for you than the usual. This will open up the possibility for you to react to the situation more easily.