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Nowadays, introversion seems to many to be a shameful feature. How does it feel to sit at home and not talk to anyone in a society where activity and sociability are valued? In fact, introverts can show their strength to the world.
I’m not proud to be an introvert, but I’m not ashamed of it either. This in itself is neither good nor bad. It’s just a given. To be honest, I’m a little tired of the hype about being proud of my introversion. Everyone I know sends me memes about cool introverts and boring extroverts who talk too much.
Enough. It’s great that we embraced our specialty and told the world about our love of being alone. But isn’t it time to move on? Are we protesting too much? If you really feel good, do you need to keep screaming about it? Isn’t it time to just mind your own business?
In addition, many activists of the “be proud of your introversion” movement urge you to leave them alone.
Of course, the need for solitude is part of the nature of an introvert, but only a part. We need this for recovery, but I think it’s time to figure out how to make the world happy with the benefits of your introversion.
If you’re only using it as an excuse for declining invitations, then you’re just confirming the majority view that introverts are asocial. And this is one of the signs that you are misusing your introversion. Let’s start with it, and then we’ll talk about some others.
1. You spend too much time at home.
You don’t like parties. That’s fine, but did you know that you can learn to love them if you participate in them… in your own way? For example, when going to a party, give yourself permission to leave it at any time — even if it is still “too early”. Or sit in the corner and watch the others. Well, yes, someone will pester you with questions about why you do not communicate. So what? You don’t care, you’re fine with yourself.
But let’s say you still hate parties. So don’t go to them! But if you just turn down invitations and don’t invite the people you really like to do what you really like, then you are not an introvert, but just a recluse.
It’s ok if you don’t like how other people socialize.
But then you need to socialize in your own way. You can be an introvert who himself invites interesting people to accompany him to events — for example, to lectures, exhibitions, author’s readings.
Do you arrange joint dinners to enjoy a wonderful conversation in a narrow circle? Do you go camping with a friend who is equally good to talk to and keep quiet? Dine with the few friends that are close to your heart? If not, then you are misusing your introversion. Show the lucky few how cool introverts can be.
2. You are just doing the job.
The ability of introverts to perform routine work is one of our strengths. Be proud of it. But if you do not express your thoughts to colleagues and superiors, are you really showing the world all the greatness of your introversion?
I understand that sometimes meetings move too fast for our pace of thinking. It is difficult for us to formulate thoughts and find a moment to be heard. And yet it is our task to learn how to share ideas with others.
Face-to-face meetings with the manager or teaming up with someone who can help voice ideas can help.
Leaders have recently begun to learn about introversion and extroversion as another aspect of diversity that must be present in an effective team. Make sure you’re demonstrating the benefits of introversion and not just working a job by blending in.
3. You avoid talking.
I know, I know, idle talk is a stumbling block for introverts. I myself try to avoid it. And yet … Some studies confirm that talking about «nothing and everything» has a good effect on our psychological state.
So, in a series of experiments conducted by psychologists from Chicago, a group of subjects were asked to talk to fellow travelers on a train — that is, to do something that they usually avoided. According to reports, those who chatted with fellow travelers had a more enjoyable journey than those who “enjoyed being alone.”
None of the initiators of the conversation was refused to continue the conversation
But let’s dig even deeper. While trivia talk most often ends on its own, sometimes it turns into something more. Relationships don’t start with intimacy. Immediately diving into the depths of a conversation with a new acquaintance can be confusing. Surely you have experienced this: the excellent listening skills of introverts lead to the fact that we open up more than we would like.
The exchange of common phrases helps to establish contact, gives time to try on each other, read non-verbal signals, and find common ground. If things add up, a light conversation can lead to a more meaningful conversation. So, if you avoid chatting, you miss the opportunity to meet important and congenial people.
4. You pretend that any loneliness is a good loneliness.
I talk about this so much because this mistake has been interfering with my happiness for a long time. We are introverts, but all people need people, and we are no exception. Staying at home alone is the easiest way to do nothing, but too much loneliness is harmful and can lead to blues and bad mood.
Unfortunately, the easiest way to deal with loneliness is to be alone. Loneliness is such an all-consuming and heavy feeling that it is easier to experience it in solitude than to experience it in a crowd.
And of course, it makes us feel even more isolated.
In addition, the distortion of our thinking makes us continue to do something that we do not like, simply because we have already spent some time and effort on it. We tell ourselves that loneliness is good, that we are superhumans, because we are comfortable being alone, even if this is far from being the case.
Experts note that lonely people are more hostile. I have always considered them misanthropes, but now I suspect that they are deeply stuck in this vicious circle of rejection.
Isn’t that what you tell yourself when you come to a party and don’t feel comfortable right from the start? Or when you get a little shy in front of a stranger? Do you comfort yourself with stories that you have a natural inability to impress others? Do not expect to be a brilliant conversationalist? Remember your weak social skills that make every event a minefield?
Forget about it. Stop convincing yourself that you are different from the rest. Yes, some people find it easier to communicate, some light up the room with their mere presence. To be honest, these are not the kind of people that I am drawn to, I even find them a little repulsive. I’d rather talk to the man who sits quietly in the corner. Or someone I already know. I don’t go to parties to meet new people — I go there to see people I know.
Everyone feels at least a slight insecurity in new situations.
Everyone is worried about the impression they make. The people who enter the room while dancing are simply coping with their anxiety in this way.
Try not to heighten your natural anxiety by telling yourself that you are «hopeless,» unable to carry on a conversation, and no one will ever notice you. Yes, you are worried. But if you do not suffer from a diagnosed anxiety disorder, this anxiety is not dangerous for you. This is a natural reaction to a new situation.
Feel it, and then show people how interesting introverts can be if they want to. Tell yourself how lucky these people will be if they finally shut up to hear what you’re about to say!
About the author: Sophia Dambling is the author of Confessions of an Introverted Traveler and a number of books, including The Introverted Journey: A Quiet Life in a Loud World.