Contents
“You can be happy as a couple, but the couple does not bring happiness”
Couple
The psychologist Joan Garriga explains in «Dancing together» that the couples that work best keep a balance between what they give and what they receive
If we consider a romantic relationship as a kind of dance that should be correctly articulated, we would have to wonder what would be the best way to dance “for two” for the dance to be successful. This is what the psychologist Joan Garriga addresses in his work “Dancing together”, where he delves into some of the issues that he already dealt with in his book “Good love in a couple” such as the presence of Ghosts of the past, unequal loves or communication problems. But in “Dancing Together” not only provides conceptual reflections, but also makes a practical presentation of real cases treated during their therapies of family constellations.
This method or therapeutic approach, devised by Bert HellingerIt is scenic, phenomenological and systemic in nature. It consists, as Joan Garriga reveals, in capturing in space our interior images of how we have created our network of ties or family. «Once the constellation is configured through the scenic representation, it is possible to detect the dynamics that exist between people to find out what leads to problems and what leads to welfare. A series of laws or orders of love contribute to this, which are those that favor relationships to develop in the form of well-being, “he explains.
The work that is done in family constellation therapy, therefore, is based on transforming the implications and ties into resources and life potentials. “It’s a therapeutic language, different from conversational, which is more agile and bears fruit in a faster way because in a short time it allows to have deep understandings about what happens in the background of people’s hearts ”, clarifies Garriga.
The 12 keys to “good love”
In “Dancing Together” Joan Garriga describes through the account of his experience with real cases through the therapeutic language of family constellations which are the background dynamics that help to understand what happens on the surface and within the couple : how its members relate, what they need to understand and release, what ties direct them, how they manage to be well together and why they achieve it or how they overcome problems and what contributes to it.
One goal of family constellations is to stimulate “good love.” But what does this expression imply? To understand it, we asked Joan Garriga for a brief analysis of the twelve keys that allow people to move from old love (first sentence) to good love (second sentence) in the couple, which he already advanced in his book «Good love in the couple ».
1. I couldn’t live without you / I would be fine without you too.
As Joan Garriga explains, this step from “I could not live without you” to “I would be fine without you, too” refers to the fact that a couple is an “adult relationship” and, as such, it is important that it is not directed by a “Inner child” that seeks to impose on the couple ancient scenarios and dances (sometimes painful and difficult) that he lived with his parents. And it also refers to the concept of dependency, because while it is true that a child “needs” his parents, an adult does not need his partner. The key is to think that without that partner you would also do well, but that with her the trip is more beautiful.
2. I love you for yourself / I love you for yourself … well, in spite of yourself.
This is a translation into the sphere of the couple to that phrase by Víctor Hugo who said that one of the great gifts that we are offered in life is to be loved by ourselves even if later added “in spite of ourselves”. Thus, when one chooses a person, despite having things that we find difficult or do not like, this provides the opportunity to develop compassion for the other or to reorient oneself in another direction. “It’s nice when one decides to love our shadows and we decide to love other people’s shadows”, clarifies Garriga.
3. Make me happy / I feel the spontaneous desire for you to be happy.
Since the individualistic perspective and the romantic ideal developed, there seems to be an idea inserted in society that leads us to think that we will be happy through the couple. But this, as proposed by Joan Garriga, is false. «It is possible to be happy as a couple but the couple does not bring happiness. Actually you have to work on some aspects. What I have seen in couples that do very well is that they have a greatness of heart that goes beyond strict selfishness and in them there is a spontaneous generosity, not prefabricated, where one wishes that the other is well and that desire it is spontaneous. There is a greatness of love there and if that ingredient is present in a couple, it is likely that they are well and happy, “he clarifies.
4. I want a partner / I better prepare to be a couple.
This is a message against sentimental utilitarianism. Many people say that they “want to find a partner,” but what you should really prepare for is to grow within yourself what is necessary to “be someone else’s partner.” There, according to Garriga, there are aspects such as the review of the relationship with his parents, the analysis of his personal history or the resolution of pending issues with previous partners.
5. I give you everything / Better give me what keeps me in the same rank as you.
This is a rule of relationships between adults that indicates that it is convenient to maintain “equality of rank”, that is, that which allows to be neither better, nor worse, nor above, nor below, but equal. Thus, the psychologist indicates that it is important that there is a balance in the exchange because, in general, the couples that work best are those that keep a balance between what they give and what they receive.
6. Give it to me / Give me what you have and are and I can compensate, to keep myself in my dignity.
As in the previous point, this is, according to Garriga, another rule of exchange because if someone asks for everything or gives too much, the balance is broken. One has to give what the other can receive, without creating conflict or inequality.
7. Hopefully it will be intense and emotional / Hopefully it will be easy.
When in a relationship there is more joy than pain, more expansion than tension or more facilities than problems, there is growth and that means that it is a comfortable and easy relationship. But if the relationship is directed by an “inner child” who tries to manipulate reality, this can lead to large outbursts or emotional turbulence, as revealed by the psychologist.
8. I fight for power / We cooperate.
This reflection refers to how wonderful it is, according to Joan Garriga, when there is cooperation in a relationship, a team is formed and both look in the same direction, because, in his opinion, one of the great wars that exist in the world is the one that exists within families, especially between men and women.
9. I think, you feel and, in the face of the difficult, save those who can / We laugh and cry together and together we open ourselves to joy and pain.
The key word in a couple is “together.” Each in their own way, yes, but together. And this is important because, according to the psychologist recalls, when a couple is visited for traumatic or painful matters it may happen that they separate because they have not been able to live “together” what they have had to live.
10. May it be forever / May it last as long as it lasts.
It is true that, as a couple, you must have the intention of perpetuating a state of accompaniment and that, according to Garriga, gives strength to the relationship. However, we must also be aware that relationships are governed by impermanence and uncertainty.
11. First parents or children and then you / First us, before our families of origin and our children together.
To explain the statement that the couple should be put before the families of origin or even the children in common, the psychologist clarifies that for any child it is liberating to feel that his parents (together or apart) form a team superior to him because, according to He assures that many children suffer narcissistic attitudes because their parents direct their affective vectors towards them and not between them. “If you are more tied to your mother than to your partner, you have not landed as an adult or a person,” says Garriga.
A different case, however, is if there were children on one side or the other before the couple was formed, since in that case the bond with the child precedes the couple.
12. I know you / Every day I see you and recognize you again and that makes it easier to establish associations and understandings that help.
To understand the need to “recognize” each other every day, we must choose if we want to relate to the image we have in the other’s head or if we want to relate to him. “The couple is not a drawing but a film, it is in constant motion,” he clarifies.
What are family constellations for?
Getting at peace with what comes from parents is essential, according to Joan Garriga, as it catapults us towards an adult place and allows us to place ourselves before another person as adults, leaving behind the vain hopes of being cradled again, the tyrannical demands of our “child selves,” the unrealistic and limitless expectations of how and how much life should nurture us. Or the couple. Thus, he clarifies that adopting manipulative postures and dances that involve psychological games results in disagreement and suffering.
The knowledge of the emotional depths that direct our life from the past will help, according to the author, to be more respectful with the reality of others without always passing everything through our particular personal filter, that is, to see them independently of our prejudices and mental maps, to make our relational dances more flexible, to understand something more about those who walk with us and to develop resources that we had latent and that can provide well-being and growth. «In this way we will climb towards that greater openness of the heart that is experienced when we are able to love who we are and accept things as they are, rather than stick to our mental images of how they should be, “proposes Garriga.
“Dancing together” collects through real cases the dynamics and relational dances that are repeated frequently, for better or for worse, although the author warns that the attempt to put on paper all the nuances, subtleties and emotional atmospheres of a constellation family or a therapy session falls too short.