Mirror, selfies, photographs, self-exploration… We search for ourselves in reflection or in reflections about ourselves. But this search often leaves us unsatisfied. Something prevents you from looking at yourself objectively …
We can safely say: among us there are few who are completely satisfied with themselves, especially with their appearance. Almost everyone, whether a man or a woman, would like to fix something: to become more confident or more cheerful, to have curly hair instead of straight and vice versa, to make legs longer, shoulders wider … We experience imperfection, real or imaginary, especially acutely in youth. “I was bashful by nature, but my bashfulness was further increased by the conviction of my ugliness. And I am convinced that nothing has such a striking influence on the direction of a person as his appearance, and not only the appearance itself, but the belief in its attractiveness or unattractiveness, ”Leo Tolstoy describes his state in the second part of the autobiographical trilogy“ Childhood. Adolescence. Youth».
Over time, the sharpness of these sufferings is blunted, but do they leave us completely? Unlikely: otherwise, photo filters that improve the appearance would not be so popular. As is plastic surgery.
We do not see ourselves as we are, and therefore we need the assertion of «I» through others.
We are always subjective
How objectively are we able to perceive ourselves? Can we see ourselves from the side as we see an external object? It would seem that we know ourselves better than anyone. However, to look at oneself impartially is an almost impossible task. Our perception is distorted by projections, complexes, traumas experienced in childhood. Our «I» is not uniform.
“The ego is always the alter ego. Even if I represent myself as “me”, I am forever separated from myself,” says psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan in his Essays.1. — Interacting with ourselves, we inevitably experience splitting. A striking example is the situation when a person suffering from Alzheimer’s disease conducts dialogues with himself in the belief that he is facing another interlocutor. As early as the beginning of the XNUMXth century, the neurologist and psychologist Paul Solier wrote that some young women stopped seeing themselves in the mirror during hysterical attacks. Now psychoanalysis interprets this as a defense mechanism — a refusal to contact reality.
Our habitual, more or less stable self-perception is a mental construction, a composition of our mind.
Some nervous disorders can change our consciousness to such an extent that the patient has doubts about his own existence or he feels like a hostage, locked in an alien body.
Such perceptual distortions are the result of an illness or a major shock. But the more or less stable self-perception that we are accustomed to is also a mental construct, a composition of our mind. The same mental construction is a reflection in a mirror. This is not a physical phenomenon that we can feel, but a projection of consciousness that has its own history.
The very first glance
Our “real” body is not the biological, objective body that medicine deals with, but the idea that was formed under the influence of the words and views of the first adults who cared for us.
“At some point, the baby looks around. And first of all — on the face of his mother. He sees that she is looking at him. He reads who he is to her. And concludes that when he looks, he is visible. So it exists,” wrote child psychologist Donald Winnicott.2. Thus, the gaze of the other, turned on us, is built into the basis of our being. Ideally, this is a loving look. But in reality this is not always the case.
“Looking at me, my mother often said:“ you went to your father’s relatives ”, and I hated myself for this, because my father left the family. In the fifth grade, she shaved her head so as not to see her curly hair, like his, ”says 34-year-old Tatyana.
The one whose parents looked with disgust may then consider himself a freak for a long time. Or maybe eagerly looking for rebuttals
Why are parents not always kind to us? “It depends on their own personality,” explains clinical psychologist Giorgi Natsvlishvili. — Excessive demands can be observed, for example, in a paranoid parent who tells the child: “Be careful, it’s dangerous everywhere, everyone wants to deceive you …. How are your grades? But the neighbor’s granddaughter brings only fives!
So the child has anxiety, doubts that he is good intellectually and physically. And the narcissistic parent, more often the mother, perceives the child as an extension of herself, so any mistakes of the child cause her anger or fear, because they indicate that she herself is not perfect and someone can notice it.
The one whose parents looked with disgust may then consider himself a freak for a long time. Or maybe eagerly look for rebuttals, tying up a lot of love stories to make sure of their attractiveness, and posting photos on social networks that collect likes. “I often come across such a search for approval from my clients, and these are young guys and girls under the age of 30,” continues Giorgi Natsvlishvili. But the reason is not always in the family. There is an opinion that the exactingness of parents is fatal, but in fact, such stories can arise without their participation. Quite a demanding environment.»
The conductors of this exactingness are both mass culture — think of action movies and games with superheroes and fashion magazines with extremely thin models — and the inner circle, classmates and friends.
Mirror Curves
Neither the reflection that we see in the mirror nor the photographs can be considered an objective reality, simply because we look at them from a certain point of view, which is influenced by the opinions (including not expressed aloud) of significant adults of our childhood, and then friends, teachers, partners, influence and our own ideals. But they are also formed under the influence of society and culture, offering role models, which also change over time. That is why a completely independent self-esteem, «I», without admixtures of other people’s influence, is a utopia. It is no coincidence that Buddhists consider their own «I» an illusion.
We do not so much know ourselves as we guess, collecting information where necessary, comparing with others, listening to assessments. It is not surprising that we sometimes make mistakes even in those parameters that can be measured objectively. Closer to summer, it becomes noticeable that many women walk in dresses that do not fit, in sandals from which fingers stick out … Apparently, in the mirror they see a slimmer or younger version of themselves. This is a protection from reality: the brain smooths out unpleasant moments, protects the psyche from discomfort.
The brain does the same with the unattractive sides of the personality: it smooths them out in our view, and we do not notice, for example, our rudeness, harshness, being surprised at the reaction of those around us, whom we consider touchy or intolerant.
Leo Tolstoy in the novel called the diary like this: “a conversation with oneself, with that true, divine self that lives in every person”
Our self-image is also distorted by our desire to gain the approval of society. Carl Jung called such social masks «Persona»: we turn a blind eye to the demands of our own «I», self-determining through status, level of earnings, diplomas, marriage or children. In the event that the facade of success collapses and it turns out that there is emptiness behind it, a serious nervous shock may await us.
Often at the reception, the psychologist asks the same question: “What are you?” Over and over again, he demands that we describe ourselves with different epithets, refusing to accept social roles in this capacity: he wants us not to habitually call ourselves “good office workers” and “caring parents”, but try to isolate our ideas about ourselves, for example : «irascible», «kind», «demanding».
Personal diaries can serve the same purpose. Leo Tolstoy in the novel «Resurrection» calls the diary as follows: «a conversation with oneself, with that true, divine self that lives in every person.»
The need for viewers
The less we know ourselves, the more we need viewers to give us feedback. Perhaps that is why the modern genre of self-portrait, the selfie, has gained such popularity. In this case, the person being photographed and the person photographing are the same person, so we are trying to capture the truth of our being … or at least convey our own view of ourselves.
But it is also a question to others: «Do you agree that I am like this?»
Trying to present ourselves in a favorable perspective, we seem to be asking for permission to legitimize the ideal image. Even if we capture ourselves in funny situations, the desire is still the same: to find out what we are like.
The world of technology allows you to live on the needle of the audience’s approval for years. However, is it so bad to idealize yourself?
Although the external assessment is not at all objective, after all, others experience different influences. In Japanese prints from the Edo period, beauties put black paint on their teeth. And if Rembrandt’s Danae is dressed in modern clothes, who will admire her beauty? What seems beautiful to one person may not necessarily please another.
But by collecting a lot of likes, we can convince ourselves that at least many of our contemporaries like us. “I post photos every day, sometimes several times, and look forward to feedback,” admits 23-year-old Renata. “I need this to feel that I am alive and that something is happening to me.”
The world of technology allows you to live on the needle of the audience’s approval for years. However, is it so bad to idealize yourself? Many studies show that those who do this are happier than those who try to be critical of themselves.
1 Jacques-Marie-Émile Lacan Essay points (Le Seuil, 1975).
2 “The Role of the Mirror of Mother and Family,” in The Game and Reality by Donald W. Winnicott (Institute for General Humanities Studies, 2017).