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We meet a variety of people on our way, including selfish, consumer-minded, incapable of sincere feelings. From time to time this happens to everyone, but if we try to create an alliance with just such a person from time to time, this is a reason to think.
It would seem, why should we be enemies to ourselves and deliberately approach only those who make us suffer? However, history repeats itself and we are again left with a broken heart. “We are easily ready to agree that we are attracting those who do not value us. It turns out to be more difficult to break the vicious circle, ”says family psychologist and specialist in interpersonal relationships Marni Fuerman. She offers to analyze why the wrong partners come into our lives.
1. Family history
How was your parents’ relationship? Perhaps the negative traits of one of them are repeated in the partner. If in childhood you lacked a sense of stability and unconditional love, then you can recreate a similar relationship scenario with a partner. All in order to unconsciously live it again, try to understand it and still change it. However, in such a challenge to the past, we cannot get rid of the difficult feelings experienced in childhood.
2. Traits that define relationships
Remember all those relationships that, for one reason or another, did not work out. Even if they were fleeting, they touched your feelings. Try to identify the qualities that most clearly characterize each partner, and the factors that influenced your union negatively. Try to analyze if there is something that unites both these people and relationship scenarios.
3. Your role in the union
Do you tend to feel insecure? Are you worried that the relationship might end, unconsciously inviting potential manipulators to take advantage of your vulnerability? It is also worth analyzing your requirements: are you realistic enough about the union?
If you expect a partner to be perfect, you will inevitably be disappointed in him. If you blame only the other side for the collapse of the relationship, removing any responsibility from yourself, this can make it difficult to understand why everything happened the way it did.
Is it possible to rewrite the usual script? Marnie Fuerman is sure yes. Here is what she proposes to do.
First dates
“Treat them only as a meeting with a new person for you, nothing more. Even if you immediately felt the so-called «chemistry», this does not mean that the person will be close to you. It is important that enough time has passed so that you can answer the question for yourself if there is something more than just physical attraction that binds you. Do your interests, values, views on life coincide? Are you missing outright wake-up calls about the traits in him that caused your previous relationship to fail? Fuerman suggests thinking.
Do not rush things, even if you really want to rush towards bright feelings. Give yourself time.
A new look at ourselves
“In life, scenarios that we believe in often materialize,” says Fuerman. “This is how our brain works: it selects external signs that it interprets as evidence of what we initially believed. In this case, all other arguments are ignored. If you believe that for some reason you are unworthy of love, then you unconsciously filter out the attention of people who convince you otherwise.
At the same time, negative signals — someone’s words or actions — are read as another irrefutable proof of your innocence. It may be worth rethinking ideas about yourself, which have nothing to do with reality.
Set to change
It is impossible to rewrite the past, but an honest analysis of what happened will help you not fall into the same trap. By repeating the same pattern of behavior, we get used to it. “However, understanding what exactly you want to change in your relationship with a potential partner, on what issues you can compromise and what you will not put up with, is already a huge step in success,” the expert is sure. — It is important to prepare for the fact that not everything will turn out right away. The brain, already accustomed to a stable pattern of evaluating events and developing a response, will take time to change internal settings.
It is useful to record both those episodes when new communication skills helped and made you more confident, as well as your mistakes. Visualizing this on paper will help you better control what is happening and not return to previous negative scenarios.
About the author: Marnie Fuerman is a family psychologist and specialist in interpersonal relationships.