Does your partner hurt you? Does he yell at you, insult you? If so, chances are you’ve been to couples therapy before. And it probably only worsened the atmosphere in your family. Why it happens?
Faced with emotional abuse in our own family, we try in every way to make our existence easier. Partners who suffer abuse from a spouse often suggest that their partner go to a psychologist together. But many are frustrated because it is in abusive families that some of the therapist’s techniques don’t work. Why is it so?
Psychologist, a specialist in domestic violence Stephen Stosny is sure that the point is in the personal characteristics of those who came for help.
Without control there is no progress
Counseling couples assumes that the participants in the process have the skills of self-regulation. That is, both parties can control the feelings of guilt and shame that inevitably manifest themselves in the course of therapy, and do not shift the blame for their own wounded dignity on the other. But in a relationship fraught with emotional abuse, at least one partner can’t exactly control himself. Therefore, working with couples often disappoints those who ask for help: it simply does not help if the necessary conditions are not met.
Psychologists have an old joke about couples therapy: “Near every office there is a brake mark left by a husband who was dragged into therapy.” According to statistics, men are 10 times more likely than women to refuse therapy, the author notes. And that is why therapists quite consciously pay more attention to husbands than to wives, trying to keep them interested in the process.
Let us give an example of a session to which a wife came with her husband, who allows himself to insult her.
Therapist — wife:
“I think your husband gets angry when he feels that he is being judged.
Husband:
— It’s right. She literally blames me for everything!
The husband approves of the partner’s efforts, and the therapist helps him to restrain his emotional reactions. At home, of course, everything will return to normal
Therapist — wife:
“I am not saying that you condemn him. I mean, he feels like he’s being judged. Perhaps if you worded the request so that your husband doesn’t feel like you’re judging him, his reaction would be more acceptable.
Wife:
— But how can I do it?
— I noticed that when you ask him about something, you focus on exactly what he is doing wrong. You also use the word «you» a lot. I suggest you rephrase: “Darling, I wish we could talk for five minutes when we get home. Just to talk to each other about how the day went, because when we do that, both of them are in a better mood and no one is screaming.” (to husband): Would you feel condemned if she spoke to you like that?
— Not at all. But I doubt she can change her tone. She doesn’t know how to communicate differently!
Can you speak to your husband in a nonjudgmental tone?
I didn’t mean to judge you, I just wanted you to understand…
Therapist:
— Why don’t you repeat this phrase for fidelity a few more times?
Lacking the skills of self-regulation, the husband immediately shifts all responsibility onto her so as not to feel wrong
And so it turns out that the problem now is not at all the inadequacy of the husband or his tendency to emotional violence. Turns out the real problem is the wife’s judgmental tone of voice!
The husband approves of the partner’s efforts, and the therapist helps him to restrain his emotional reactions. At home, of course, everything will return to normal ….
In less «explosive» relationships, this kind of advice from the therapist might be helpful. If the husband were able to control his emotional manifestations and question the feeling that he is always right, he could appreciate the efforts of the wife, who reformulated her requests. Perhaps he would show more empathy in response.
But in reality, their relationship is riddled with violence. And as a result, the husband feels guilty because the wife made more efforts to calm him down. Lacking the skills of self-regulation, he immediately shifts all the responsibility onto her so as not to feel that he was wrong. It was his wife who spoke to him in the wrong way, she used an accusatory tone, and in general she tried to make him look bad in the eyes of the therapist. And so on and so forth. But where is the responsibility of the husband?
Often people who are prone to emotional abuse make claims to their partners already on the way out of the therapist’s office. They lash out at the couple for bringing up reputation-threatening or embarrassing topics in the session.
Border is locked tight?
Psychologists often recommend that women married to emotionally abusive partners learn to set boundaries. They give advice like this: “You need to learn how to get your message heard. Learn to say, «I won’t tolerate this behavior anymore.» The person being bullied needs to be able to set boundaries that really mean something to their partner.”
Imagine that you have filed a lawsuit against vandals who spray-painted your car. And the judge says: “The claim was dismissed because there was no sign next to your car “Do not paint the car!”. Boundary advice is essentially the therapeutic equivalent of this behavior.
I wonder if therapists who give advice like this stick notes saying “Don’t steal!” valuables in your office?
Only by integrating your own values into everyday existence can you remain yourself and increase your significance.
Leaving aside the pernicious and unsubstantiated arguments that people are abused because they have failed to set boundaries. This kind of point of view completely misses the character traits of the other. Displays of anger, insults and hurtful words from your partner have nothing to do with whether you know how to set boundaries or not. As well as to the subject of your dispute. A partner who resorts to any kind of abuse has big problems understanding deep human values, says Stephen Stosny.
The psychologist suggests protecting yourself not by setting some boundaries that the partner will not respect anyway. Only by integrating your own values into everyday existence, making them part of reality, can you remain yourself and increase your significance. And first of all, you need to give up the distorted image of yourself that your aggressive partner is trying to impose on you. A powerful conviction that you are you and you are not at all what he tries to present you with will help to find the right direction.
If you can contain the first emotional reaction that occurs in response to your partner’s provocations, then you will help yourself to become yourself. You will become the person you were before your relationship with your partner cracked. Only then will your other half understand that you will have to change your attitude towards you. And there is simply no other way to maintain a relationship.
About the author: Steven Stosney is a psychologist who specializes in domestic violence.