Does a child throw a tantrum if they don’t buy a new toy? Does he fight other kids if he doesn’t like something? Then we should explain to him what prohibitions are.
Let’s debunk the general misconception: a child who does not know prohibitions cannot be called free, because he becomes a hostage to his own impulses and emotions, and you cannot call him happy either, because he lives in constant anxiety. The child, who is left to himself, has no other plan of action than to satisfy his desire immediately. Wanted something? I took it right away. Dissatisfied with something? Immediately hit, smashed or broken.
“If we do not limit children in anything, they will not learn to set boundaries for themselves. And they will be dependent on their desires and impulses,” explains family therapist Isabelle Filliozat. — Unable to control themselves, they experience constant anxiety and tormented by guilt. A child might think something like this: “If I want to torture a cat, what will stop me? After all, no one has ever stopped me from doing anything.”
“Prohibitions help regulate relations in society, coexist peacefully and communicate with each other”
By not setting prohibitions, we contribute to the fact that the child perceives the world as a place in which they live according to the laws of power. If I am stronger, then I will defeat the enemies, but if it turns out that I am weaker? This is why children who are allowed to do anything often experience fears: “How can a father who cannot force me to follow the rules protect me if someone else breaks the rule against me?” “Children intuitively understand the importance of prohibitions and demand them themselves, provoking their parents with their tantrums and bad antics to take some measures., Isabelle Fiyoza insists. — Not obeying, they try to set boundaries for themselves and, as a rule, they do it through the body: they fall to the floor, inflict wounds on themselves. The body limits them when no other limits exist. But besides the fact that it is dangerous, these boundaries are ineffective, because they do not teach the child anything.”
Prohibitions help regulate relations in society, allow us to coexist peacefully and communicate with each other. The law is an arbiter who is called upon to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence. He is respected and respected by everyone, even if there are no «law enforcement officers» nearby.
What should we teach the child:
- Respect the privacy of each parent individually and the life of their couple, respect their territory and personal time.
- Observe the norms that are accepted in the world in which he lives. Explain that he cannot do whatever he wants, that he is limited in his rights and cannot have everything he wants. And that when you have some kind of goal, you always have to pay for it: you can’t become a famous athlete if you don’t train, you can’t study well at school if you don’t practice.
- Understand that rules exist for everyone: adults also obey them. It is obvious that restrictions of this kind will not suit the child. Moreover, he will suffer from time to time because of them, because he is deprived of momentary pleasure. But without these sufferings, our personality cannot develop.