Many events and circumstances of life are beyond our control. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, you should focus on actions, says clinical psychologist Michael Bennett. Living in a losing streak and remaining a decent person is a significant achievement.
We are not able to solve all problems, because our possibilities are not unlimited. So why waste energy on self-flagellation and self-pity? With medical composure, Dr. Michael Bennet, a member of the American Psychiatric Association, insists that we stop listening to our own feelings. And they focused not on emotions, but on actions. How it works, Michael Bennet and his daughter, screenwriter Sarah Bennet, talk in the book «Forget it!» (which in the original is called much more expressively — “F*ck feelings”)1, and in his interview2.
Your book has a brightly provocative title, which is wonderful. But don’t you think that the idea of suppressing emotions and not analyzing their sources is, to put it mildly, flawed?
Sara Bennet: Immediately make a reservation that we do not despise feelings as such. We are not Vulcans. Our book is just about how to solve problems. We believe that feelings should not determine our view of the problem and how to solve it. And the search for the root cause will not help either: the problem will not disappear because you understand where you first encountered it. Finding out, for example, why you cheat on your partners, you can say: “Aha! The thing is, my dad cheated on my mom all the time.” But that won’t turn off the switch in your head and make you monogamous. What is better — to endlessly “chew” what happened to you, or to do something that is more likely to lead you to the desired result?
Michael Bennet: I have seen cases where people, in grief, were able to express their feelings and knew what was happening to them. But, one way or another, they still had to move on. They just had to accept that the pain would never go away and would always affect them. And to realize that in their life there are still important things, those values for which it is worth living. Even though the pain won’t go away.
“Finding out why you cheat on partners will not make you monogamous”
Although you insist that you should not let your emotions rule you, already in the first pages of the book you write that there is a great benefit in scolding and foul language. How does one fit with the other?
S. B.: These are not the kind of curses that come out in anger. These are the kind of curses my father says to his patients at the beginning of therapy to make them laugh. Many people who go to a psychologist for the first time think that they will be met there by a stern doctor Freud with glasses. And there, suddenly, they are met by a mustachioed Canadian fooling around, who does not climb into his pocket for a word. The fact that we are for swearing does not mean that we believe that people should cover others for what the light stands. The idea is to help people learn to laugh at problems. As my father said, don’t take everything personally.
You talk about the need to accept things that we cannot change. What are the methods for this? Sometimes I think, «This is terrible, but there’s nothing I can do about it.» But still it continues to bother me. Do you have any tips on how to deal with this?
S. B.: Salvation is in the values that I spoke about above. Because if I have a problem, it’s just a damn problem that I live with every day, but nevertheless I have my own ideas about the right life and what it means to be a good, decent person. I’m still kind to my friends or my children, doing my job. I am not rude to strangers, I communicate well with my parents. All these daily little things are important to you. And they are a comfort.
It is difficult to continue to live with dignity when the problem grows and everything goes badly. Some begin to behave like a pig with children, with people around, they are fired from their jobs because they stop showing up. You should commend yourself for living a normal life under difficult circumstances.
M. B .: When you are unhappy, your thoughts are negative and you are self-critical. All the time you think: what did I do wrong, what could and should I have done? So do this conscious work to the end: try to really figure out: did I do well? If yes, then I close this investigation. I know that I will never be completely satisfied with the way I behaved. But if I try to look at the situation from a rational point of view, discuss it with friends and decide that I did what I could, then I will continue to stick to this position.
It seems to you that your suffering, unhappiness is a sign that you have done something wrong. But if you analyze the situation based on your life values, you will understand that you did everything right. And you are doing well, despite the fact that you feel miserable. This deserves the highest praise. I think this is the main paradox: living with pain and being a good person is a much more significant achievement. And the way a person behaves when he is unhappy says a lot about him.
Modern books on psychology teach: love yourself as you are, accept yourself as you are. Michael and Sarah Bennet go further — they advise respecting yourself, no matter what. “Even if you have not achieved any success in life, or ended up at the very bottom, every person has something to respect himself for” — this is the main idea of the bestseller. About this and how to achieve this self-respect, even if you are a complete loser, Mile and Sarah Bennett talk in their book “Forget It!”. We present you an excerpt from it.
To hell with self-respect!
Fragment from the book «Forget it!»
“The gospel of self-respect says that you cannot stand up for your own interests until you love yourself. So self-esteem turns into a useful vitamin. It should be taken in order to gain control and do as you see fit — without succumbing to the influence of others. We constantly hear psalms from this gospel from Oprah, Tony Robbins and Saint RuPaul himself.
If this were the case, many anxious, shy, and insecure people would be doomed to a life of submissiveness and helplessness — but this is absolutely not true. People who have done terrible things couldn’t go on without atonement for their mistakes, which, judging by the NBC documentary series The Jailer, is far from the truth. A lot of self-respecting people would get stuck in the same rut and would not be able to do things that would allow them to feel good about themselves (and thereby regain self-respect).
«Doing what you think is worthy is the only source of true self-respect»
Fortunately, in order to strive for life’s blessings, wealth and good fortune, it is not necessary to have self-respect. A timid person finds the strength to communicate with others, as he is determined to earn a living on his own. An ugly person makes new acquaintances because he wants to build positive relationships. An aggressive alcoholic abstains from alcohol with the last of his strength. All these people act on the basis of their ideas about what is right. They form self-esteem, and it does not depend on their negative attitude towards themselves or on a successful outcome.
Doing things that you consider worthy is the only source of true self-respect. Stick with it, even if you feel lonely, ashamed, or scared for a while.
Unfortunate people (such as some of my patients with severe mental disorders) should not consider themselves lacking self-respect. They may suffer from chronic incapacity, hear voices in their heads, and give a damn about their own appearance. But if they manage to help their neighbor or use the abilities that nature has endowed them with, they can and should be proud of no less. And even more: after all, they have a much harder time, and their achievement deserves much more respect.
…It is wrong and cruel to blame yourself if you have had a hard life or a catastrophic failure, or maybe even both. Instead, imagine that you are stuck on a losing streak and ask yourself what a good person would do in such a situation — that is, not the one who tries to be happy (since this is impossible), but the one who tries to do the right thing. Make plans that are as specific, realistic, and accurate as possible. Track their performance by evaluating yourself by actual results, not by internal feelings. You may feel like you don’t do much: feed your family, get a job done, make a few phone calls. But if you do your best, despite poverty, deprivation, social exclusion and other depressing factors that weigh heavily on your heart, you are on the right path to success.
1 M. Bennet, S. Bennet “Forget it! How to live without high expectations, sensibly assess your capabilities and overcome difficulties” (Alpina Publisher, 2016).
2 Read the full «Ignore Your Feelings» interview with Michael and Sarah Bennet at The Atlantic. We thank Maria Ravdanis for translating the interview fragment.