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Anxiety, fits of rage, nightmares, problems at school or with peers… All children, like their parents once, go through difficult stages of development. How can you tell minor problems from real problems? When to be patient, and when to worry and ask for help?
“I constantly worry about my three-year-old daughter,” admits the 38-year-old Lev. — At one time she bit in kindergarten, and I was afraid that she was antisocial. When she spits broccoli, I already see her anorexic. My wife and our pediatrician always put me at ease. But sometimes I think that it’s still worth going to a psychologist with her. ”
Doubts torment 35-year-old Kristina, who is worried about her five-year-old son: “I see that our child is anxious. This manifests itself in psychosomatics, now, for example, his arms and legs are peeling. I tell myself that this will pass, that it is not for me to change it. But I am tormented by the thought that he is suffering.”
What’s stopping her from seeing a psychologist? “I’m afraid to hear that it’s my fault. What if I open Pandora’s box and it gets worse … I lost my bearings and don’t know what to do.
This confusion is typical for many parents. What to rely on, how to distinguish between what is due to stages of development (for example, problems of separation from parents), what indicates small difficulties (nightmares), and what requires the intervention of a psychologist?
When we lost a clear view of the situation
A child may show signs of trouble or cause trouble for loved ones, but this does not always mean that the problem is in him. It is not uncommon for a child to “serve as a symptom” – this is how systemic family psychotherapists designate the family member who takes on the task of signaling family trouble.
“It can manifest itself in different forms,” says child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. For example, a child bites his nails. Or he has incomprehensible somatic problems: a slight fever in the morning, coughing. Or he misbehaves: fights, takes away toys.
In one way or another, depending on his age, temperament and other characteristics, he tries — unconsciously, of course — to «glue» the relationship of his parents, because he needs both of them. Worrying about a child can bring them together. Let them quarrel for an hour because of him, it is more important for him that they were together for this hour.
In this case, the child concentrates problems in himself, but he also discovers ways to solve them.
Turning to a psychologist allows you to better understand the situation and, if necessary, start family, marital, individual or child therapy.
“Working even with one adult can give excellent results,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — And when positive changes begin, the second parent sometimes comes to the reception, who previously «did not have time.» After some time, you ask: how is the child, does he bite his nails? “No, everything is fine.”
But we must remember that different problems can be hidden behind the same symptom. Let’s take an example: a five-year-old child misbehaves every night before going to bed. This may indicate his personal problems: fear of the dark, difficulties in kindergarten.
Maybe the child lacks attention, or, conversely, he wants to prevent their solitude, thus reacting to their desire
Or perhaps it’s because of conflicting attitudes: the mother insists that he go to bed early, even if he did not have time to swim, and the father requires him to perform a certain ritual before going to bed, and as a result, the evening becomes explosive. It is difficult for parents to understand why.
“I didn’t think it was so difficult to be a mother,” admits 30-year-old Polina. “I want to be calm and gentle, but be able to set boundaries. To be with your child, but not to suppress him … I read a lot about parenting, go to lectures, but still I can’t see beyond my own nose.
It is not uncommon for parents to feel lost in a sea of conflicting advice. “Over-informed, but also ill-informed,” as Patrick Delaroche, a psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist, characterizes them.
What do we do with our concern for our children? Go for a consultation with a psychologist, says Galiya Nigmetzhanova and explains why: “If anxiety sounds in the soul of a parent, it will definitely affect his relationship with the child, and with his partner too. We need to figure out what its source is. It doesn’t have to be the baby, it could be her dissatisfaction with her marriage or her own childhood trauma.»
When we stop understanding our child
“My son went to a psychotherapist from 11 to 13 years old,” recalls 40-year-old Svetlana. — At first I felt guilty: how is it that I pay a stranger for taking care of my son ?! There was a feeling that I relieve myself of responsibility, that I am a useless mother.
But what was to be done if I stopped understanding my own child? Over time, I managed to abandon the claims to omnipotence. I am even proud that I managed to delegate authority.”
Many of us are stopped by doubts: asking for help, it seems to us, means signing that we cannot cope with the role of a parent. “Imagine: a stone blocked our way, and we are waiting for it to go somewhere,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova.
— Many live like this, frozen, «not noticing» the problem, in the expectation that it will resolve itself. But if we recognize that we have a “stone” in front of us, then we can clear the way for ourselves.”
We admit: yes, we can’t cope, we don’t understand the child. But why is this happening?
“Parents cease to understand children when they are exhausted — so much so that they are no longer ready to open up to something new in the child, listen to him, withstand his problems,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — A specialist will help you see what causes fatigue and how to replenish your resources. The psychologist also acts as an interpreter, helping parents and children hear each other.”
In addition, the child may experience “a simple need to talk to someone outside the family, but in a way that is not a reproach to the parents,” adds Patrick Delaroche. Therefore, do not lash out at the child with questions when he leaves the session.
For eight-year-old Gleb, who has a twin brother, it is important that he is perceived as a separate person. This was understood by 36-year-old Veronica, who was amazed at how quickly her son improved. At one time, Gleb kept getting angry or sad, was dissatisfied with everything — but after the first session, her sweet, kind, crafty boy returned to her.
When those around you sound the alarm
Parents, busy with their own worries, do not always notice that the child has become less cheerful, attentive, active. “It is worth listening if the teacher, the school nurse, the head teacher, the doctor is sounding the alarm … There is no need to arrange a tragedy, but you should not underestimate these signals,” warns Patrick Delaroche.
This is how Natalia first came to the appointment with her four-year-old son: “The teacher said that he was crying all the time. The psychologist helped me realize that after my divorce, we were closely connected with each other. It also turned out that he did not cry «all the time», but only in those weeks when he went to his father.
Listening to the environment, of course, is worth it, but beware of hasty diagnoses made to the child
Ivan is still angry with the teacher who called Zhanna hyperactive, «and all because the girl, you see, has to sit in the corner, while the boys can run around, and that’s fine!»
Galiya Nigmetzhanova advises not to panic and not to stand in a pose after hearing a negative review about the child, but first of all, calmly and friendly clarify all the details. If, for example, a child got into a fight at school, find out who the fight was with and what kind of child it was, who else was around, what kind of relationship in the class as a whole.
This will help you understand why your child behaved the way they did. “Maybe he has difficulties in relationships with someone, or maybe he responded to bullying that way. Before taking action, the whole picture needs to be cleared up.”
When we see drastic changes
Not having friends or engaging in bullying, whether your child is bullying or bullying others, indicates relationship problems. If a teenager does not value himself enough, lacks self-confidence, is overly anxious, you need to pay attention to this. Moreover, an overly obedient child with impeccable behavior can also be secretly dysfunctional.
It turns out that anything can be a reason for contacting a psychologist? “No list will be exhaustive, so the expression of mental suffering is inconsistent. Moreover, children sometimes have some problems quickly replaced by others, ”said Patrick Delaroche.
So how do you decide if you need to go to an appointment? Galiya Nigmetzhanova offers a short answer: “Parents in the behavior of the child should be alerted by what “yesterday” did not exist, but appeared today, that is, any drastic changes. For example, a girl has always been cheerful, and suddenly her mood has changed dramatically, she is naughty, throws tantrums.
Or vice versa, the child was non-conflict — and suddenly starts to fight with everyone. It doesn’t matter if these changes are for the worse or as if for the better, the main thing is that they are unexpected, unpredictable.” “And let’s not forget enuresis, recurring nightmares…” adds Patrick Delaroche.
Another indicator is if the problems do not disappear. So, short-term decline in school performance is a common thing.
And a child who has ceased to engage in general needs the help of a specialist. And of course, you need to meet the child halfway if he himself asks to see a specialist, which happens most often after 12-13 years.
“Even if parents are not worried about anything, coming with a child to a psychologist is a good prevention,” sums up Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “This is an important step towards improving the quality of life for both the child and your own.”