What to do if the child does not obey

The gloomy girl Jeanne was brought by her mother to me for an appointment shortly before the summer holidays. Usually, school problems are addressed to a psychotherapist during the school year, but Jeanne’s mother did not want to wait:

“Let her tell you about her bad behavior at school!” Perhaps by September you will explain to her how to behave. The fourth grade is very important, there is no time to disrupt the lessons.

— Bad — how is it?

From a psychologist’s point of view, behavior cannot be bad. It is caused by complex processes at the level of neuroreceptors and the endocrine system and allows you to adapt to the external environment. Therefore, we have no right to discount any behavior.

Although, of course, some types of behavior can be dangerous to someone’s life or health. The problem lies in the incorrect assessment of the situation, as a result of which a dissonance arises between the situation and the assessment.

But the mother repeated once again: «The behavior is so bad that at school they called her the Terminator.» The teachers had been complaining about the girl’s angry outbursts for months. But her parents could not get her to explain why she behaved this way. Mother pushed Jeanne into my office, closing the door tightly behind her. She herself refused to enter.

Jeanne huddled in her chair, did not raise her eyes. I had to silently sit on the floor at her feet in order to be in her field of vision. But I didn’t look into her eyes. Working with autistic children has taught me to respect the right of another to avoid direct gaze.

Looking straight into the eyes is a sign of trust, and it was too early for Jeanne to trust me. We just met, and the circumstances were not the most pleasant. I can imagine how her mother prepared for this «punitive» event!

Jeanne was surprised and looked at me. I was in no hurry to bombard her with questions, but patiently waited for her own story.

How emotional bonds are formed

If a psychologist or a parent allows himself to act in accordance with intuition in a given situation, he will be able to win the trust of the child, mirror neurons will be mobilized in the child’s brain and new neural connections will be created. These connections will help strengthen his ability to survive in the environment and develop emotional resilience.

The child will be connected with the people around him, with the group he belongs to, but at the same time he will be able to regulate, depending on the situation, his closeness to others, interest, signs of attention and friendliness.

Imagine a wide elastic band. Anyone who wants to connect with a child must be tied to him not with a rope or belt, but with such an emotional «rubber band».

Then the child will have the opportunity to withdraw and return when he wants, and we will give him a strong but soft signal, pulling him in or allowing him to withdraw the entire length of the tape, but not leaving the interaction. Otherwise, the connection will be too strong, but at the same time artificial.

Another metaphor. Imagine talking on the phone. If we start to fill the pause without waiting for the interlocutor’s answer, the dialogue will very soon turn into a monologue. It is also possible that the interlocutor will get bored and hang up. The ability to listen to the rhythm and tone of the interlocutor’s speech and the art of pausing give us the opportunity to really receive information or exchange friendly affective signals.

In the relationship between parents and children, adults, without waiting for a response from the child who “left” communication, often begin to fill in the pause. Therefore, Zhanna was very surprised when I joined her silence, and in the end she told herself about her classmates. They teased her every day until she decided that she would protect herself.

Why do we need communication?

Can the child communicate vital information? Like an alarm? If the answer is “yes”, then we can build on this all further building of interaction.

Humans, compared to many predators, were not so large and were not armed with claws, so they were forced to use a communication system based on hearing and vision (sounds, sights and reactions to them) in order to survive among larger and more aggressive species. This is how communication came about. Over time, the need for self-protection disappeared, but the need for intimacy remained.

A child needs a mother for a very long time, so nature has equipped babies with a socialization system that keeps maternal interest and the desire to be near the child. These are early smiles, sounds, movements. If this system in an infant is in a state of «freezing», such a child does not involve the mother in communication and does not involve himself.

He plays, but his playing is solitary and repetitive, mechanical. And a child with physical problems will not be able to cling to his mother as plastically as a child who freely moves his limbs. These children may need additional therapeutic and emotional support.

Mothers are increasingly refusing strollers and prefer to carry their children in special backpacks or slings on their stomachs. They give the baby the opportunity to take a natural position in relation to the mother, who can feed him at any time, as well as constantly train the social-emotional connection.

The reaction of children to parents, in turn, affects the increased production of vasopressin and oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that ensures the release of milk. The hormone vasopressin is responsible for manifestations of love, from “territorial” behavior and jealousy to protection of the “object” of sympathy, and parental behavior, parental attachment to children.

Listen for non-verbal cues

Today, many practitioners in the fields of psychiatry, psychotherapy and occupational therapy offer exercises to improve coordination and conduction between different parts of the brain for people who have experienced severe psychological trauma, as well as for people with autism spectrum disorders.

But ordinary children and adults like Jeanne and her mother have something to work on. Using appropriate facial expressions, tone and timbre, you can express interest and sympathy. Having tuned in to a conversation and listening to a topic that is interesting and important for the interlocutor, you can start joint regulation and dialogue.

The temptation to call, order the child is very strong, but only by listening to the body language and facial expressions, to non-verbal sound signals like sighs, or watching the child roll his eyes in response to “notation”, you can find the right rhythm of communication.

When Jeanne and I finally managed to bring my mother into the office, with the consent of Jeanne, I recounted what she told me, thus giving value and authenticity to her story and experiences.

“Yes, I heard something similar from my daughter,” Jeanne’s mother confirmed, “but I didn’t attach any importance to it. After all, Zhanna was not beaten, not insulted. They just commented on the color of the dress or the theme of the pattern. But this is nonsense! And it has nothing to do with education.

Broken connection

“Tell me, please, about your childhood, about your relationship with classmates,” I asked Jeanne’s mother. It turned out that since the fifth grade she was teased for being overweight. Perhaps she did not want to listen to her daughter’s complaints because her own childhood memories were too traumatic.

It is also interesting that over the past six months (precisely at the time when Zhanna was especially pestered by her classmates), her mother recovered by another 13 kg. How did it happen that the mother’s body responded by gaining weight to a trauma familiar from childhood?

Interoception (perception by the central nervous system of impulses from internal organs) is part of the sensory system of the human body. It is she who makes us feel hungry, thirsty, nauseous… The chemical receptors of the circulatory system send signals “salted”, “hungry”, “thirsty to drink” to the brain.

Stretch receptors in the gastrointestinal tract can signal satiety or stomach cramps.

If the interoceptive system is impaired or affected by autonomic changes (the autonomic nervous system is responsible for the flight or fight response), satiety signals are no longer sent to the brain, and there is a chronic feeling of internal emptyness. Thus, the mother «jammed» the stress.

Restoring connection

“Besides food, what helps you calm down and feel safe?” I asked Zhanna’s mother a question at one of the subsequent meetings. This question is important for understanding one’s own mechanism for returning to a state of rest. As we make sense of our behavior, we begin to pay attention to other cues and form a new chain of associations.

If the mother is not in a chronic state of expectation of danger, but at rest and learns to calm the “inexplicable” anxiety based on old memories (preferably not with the help of food), then Zhanna will also calm down — she, like all children, is very dependent on mother’s voice, facial expressions and gestures, and they change at rest.

Exteroception is a hormonal-sensory external observation system that helps the body adjust the sensory «predictions» of another’s behavior to information about that person that is already stored in our motor memory.

If the behavior in the dyad «Zhanna — mother» changes, we can expect another, more accurate reaction in the system «Zhanna — classmates». The behavior model will be transferred and tested in a new situation.

Now that the connection between mother and Zhanna has been restored and they have a mutual exchange of signals — facial expressions, gestures, glances — we are in a single space and are guided by the laws of reciprocity and synchronization.

The principle of reciprocity and interaction helps to establish ties even with those children and adults who are hindered by the most severe communication disorders. Just as early infancy relationships with the mother (or primary caregiver) affect every aspect of a child’s development.

What does the polyvagus theory tell us?

Stephen Porges, professor of psychiatry at the University of Illinois (USA) and director of the Brain-Body Center, has studied the evolution of the human nervous system and the mechanisms of the brain. He suggested that social behavior and emotional disorders have a biological basis. His concept was called the polyvagus theory.

According to the theory of Stephen Porges, we evaluate any situation in terms of its danger. According to our instantaneous conclusions, our physical condition changes. In a safe environment, we relax and take an interest in the outside world.

And in case of a threat, we react in one of three possible ways: flight or attack (the autonomic nervous system is responsible for them) or freezing (the vagus, the vagus nerve, is responsible for it).

If the alarm is false, then the vagus hangs up: our facial muscles relax, the voice becomes quieter, and sensory receptors open to perceive external stimuli. There is also feedback.

Even if the circumstances don’t help. This is how the “system of social involvement” operates, which can be used in raising children.

For example, it is pointless for a restless child to say “sit still” or “listen carefully”: he simply cannot do this because he does not feel safe.

But if we provide the child with a quiet environment and lower our own voice, then the “social engagement system” will help the child feel calmer and activate the listening mechanisms.