I want to say “no”, but as if by itself it turns out “yes”. Familiar situation? Many have met her. We agree when we want to refuse, because we do not know how to protect personal space.
What is it — politeness, good breeding or bad boundaries? A second cousin with his family arrived without warning … At a party, you have to eat tasteless aspic, on your long-awaited vacation — to help friends with repairs … “The reason for the inability to refuse is our need for acceptance, approval or involvement,” says medical psychologist Andrey Chetverikov. To one degree or another, we all depend on the approval of significant others and feel the need to belong to a group. The less personal maturity we have, the more difficult it is to separate our desires from the demands of society.
Example: a child is waiting for parental approval, but does not want to make music (become a doctor, lawyer, start a family). Until he learns to approve himself, he is doomed to fulfill «another’s order» and say «yes» where he wanted to say «no».
Another class of situations in which we do not say «no» involves the calculation of some benefit. “This is a kind of trade in consent in order to obtain preferences,” the psychologist continues. — Agree to work on a day off (although I don’t want to) in order to prove myself, get a bonus or a day off … The calculation does not always come true, and we “suddenly” realize that we are sacrificing something, but we receive nothing in return. Or we get it, but not in the volume and quality that we expected. Subjectively, this is also experienced as “agreement against the will”, although in reality we are talking about unjustified or unrealistic expectations.”
You can consider this as a way of knowing reality by trial and error. The main thing is not to repeat these mistakes.
By agreeing when we would like to refuse, we are trying to get away from the conflict, to look “good” in the eyes of the interlocutor — but instead we get only an increase in internal tension. The only way to really strengthen your position is to respect yourself, your own needs and boundaries. By giving up our needs, we give up ourselves, and as a result, we waste time and energy without gaining anything.
Why do we say yes?
We figured out what happens when we agree against our will. But why does this even happen? There are six main reasons, and they are all related to each other.
1. Social stereotypes. Our parents taught us to be polite. Especially with the elders, with the younger ones, with relatives … yes, with almost everyone. When asked, it is impolite to refuse.
“Traditions, accepted forms of behavior and learned norms make it difficult for us to refuse,” notes psychologist-educator Ksenia Shiryaeva, “as well as long-term relationships. Living up to the expectations of society or someone in particular who is important to us is a natural habit, and it is worth some effort to overcome it.
Politeness means the ability to respectfully communicate with others, the willingness to compromise and listen to opinions that differ from ours. It does not imply a disregard for one’s own interests.
2. Guilt. At the same time, we feel that saying “no” to a loved one is like saying “I don’t love you.” Such an attitude can be formed if, in childhood, parents actively showed disappointment or upset in response to our emotions or expression of needs. Over the years, this feeling of guilt is forced into the unconscious, but does not weaken.
3. The need to look «good». For many, a positive image of themselves is important — both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. In order to maintain this image, we are ready to give up a lot of really important things.
“If we are forced into agreement by irrational attitudes: “I must always help”, “I must be good”, then our attention is completely directed outward,” continues the psychologist-educator. We do not seem to exist on our own — but only in the eyes of others. In this case, our self-esteem and self-image depend entirely on their approval. As a result, you have to act in the interests of others, and not in your own interests, in order to maintain a positive image of yourself.
4. The need for acceptance. If parents from childhood make it clear to the child that they are ready to love him on certain conditions, then an adult who is afraid of rejection will grow out of him. This fear makes us sacrifice our desires, so as not to be excluded from the group, not deleted from life: such a development of events looks like a tragedy, even if there is actually nothing terrible in it.
5. Fear of conflict. We are afraid that if we declare our disagreement with others, such a position will become a declaration of war. This phobia, like many others, arises if the parents reacted sharply to our disagreement with them. “Sometimes the fact is that we ourselves do not understand the reason for the refusal — and it is impossible to explain to another, which means that it is difficult to withstand the subsequent onslaught of questions and insults,” explains Ksenia Shiryaeva. “And here, first of all, a sufficient level of reflection is needed, an understanding of one’s resources and needs, desires and opportunities, fears and aspirations – and, of course, the ability to express them in words, to declare them out loud.”
6. Difficulty making decisions. At the heart of this behavior is the fear of making a mistake, making the wrong choice. It forces us to support someone else’s initiative, instead of dealing with our own needs.
How to learn to refuse
The inability to refuse, no matter how serious its causes and consequences, is just a lack of skill. A skill can be acquired, that is, learned. And each next step in this training will add to our self-confidence and self-esteem.
1. Give yourself time. If you are unsure of your answer, ask the other person to give you time to think. This will help you weigh your own desires and make an informed decision.
2. Don’t make excuses. Briefly and clearly explaining the reason for the refusal is one thing. To overwhelm the interlocutor with verbose explanations and apologies is another. The latter will by no means help you to be respected, and most likely will cause irritation in the interlocutor. If you want to say “no” and maintain self-respect at the same time, don’t waste words when you say no. Neurotic apologies are more damaging to a relationship than a calm and polite rejection.
3. If you are afraid to offend the interlocutor, say so. Just like this: «I would hate to offend you, but I have to refuse.» Or: “I hate to say this, but no.” Your fear of rejection is also an emotion that should not be forgotten. In addition, these words will smooth out the harshness of the refusal if the interlocutor is touchy.
4. Don’t try to make up for your rejection. Attempts to compensate for the refusal are a manifestation of unconscious fears. By refusing to fulfill someone’s request, you are not indebted to him, therefore, he has nothing to compensate you. Remember: your right to say «no» is legal.
5. Practice. In front of a mirror, with loved ones, in shops and restaurants. For example, when the waiter offers to try dessert, and you only come in for coffee. Or a consultant in a store suggests a thing that does not suit you. Training is needed to get to know the refusal, to remember this feeling, to understand that after your “no” nothing terrible will happen.
6. Don’t be persuaded. Perhaps the interlocutor will try to manipulate you into agreeing. Then remember the damage that you will receive by agreeing, and stand your ground.
Ask yourself questions:
— What do I really want? You may need time to sort this out. If so, do not hesitate to ask for a delay in the decision (see point 1).
— What am I afraid of? Try to figure out what kind of fear is preventing you from giving up. By defining it, you can more accurately place emphasis on your needs.
— What will be the consequences? Calmly evaluate: how much time and effort will you lose if you agree? What emotions will you experience? And vice versa: what will be the consequences in case of refusal? Perhaps you will win not only in time, but also in self-esteem.