Each of us in dreams sees himself as perfect — with a toned, slender body or fluent in foreign languages, with a Nobel Prize in his pocket or on stage with a guitar. It turns out that the ability to support a partner, share his dreams and form his “ideal “I” is the key to a strong relationship.
To the question «How do you manage to create such magnificent sculptures?» Michelangelo replied: «I just take a stone and cut off everything unnecessary.» In the same way, we and our partners influence each other. Looking at each other, as in a mirror, we unconsciously adjust to the vision of loved ones and are constantly changing. For better or for worse.
American psychologists Stephen Drigotas and Caryl Rasbult are sure that our lovers are able to be our “sculptors” (and we, in turn, are theirs). This psychological effect is called the «Michelangelo phenomenon», in honor of the Italian master of the Renaissance.
Mutual influence on each other can be both beneficial and neutral or harmful.
For example, in dreams, Alexander imagines himself an extreme sportsman. His wife Anna supports him and does not discourage him from skydiving. However, Anna may behave differently — not encourage qualities that she considers inconsistent with her husband’s self-image. For example, if Anna thinks that Alexander is an excellent programmer, and at that time he is thinking of changing his boring job.
Anna criticizes all her husband’s attempts to take up his favorite hobby and convinces him to stay in a boring but stable job. This does not at all fit with Alexander’s own ideal self-image. In his dreams, he sees himself as a bold and determined adventurer, and his wife is convinced that he is a quiet and reserved family man.
When with the help of a partner we gradually become what we dreamed of, we are more satisfied with life.
Consciously or unconsciously, she creates situations in which Alexander is forced to behave in a completely different way than he wants. Instead of an extreme vacation, she books a family hotel, and Alexander’s ideal «I» continues to suffer in the distance, while Anna «sculpts» from her husband the one she wants to see.
This method of «sculpting» is called the rejection of the ideal «I» and is considered by psychologists the most dangerous for relationships. In such couples there is no emotional closeness, partners do not hear and do not understand each other. Therefore, it is so important to support a partner in the pursuit of a dream. There are many benefits to such alliances.
When, with the help of a life partner, we gradually become what we dreamed of, we are more satisfied with life and experience fewer psychological problems. We feel that we are understood, that the partner really cares about us and our goals, and does not impose his point of view.
Relationships benefit from this. We become closer to each other, open up, trust and love our partner even more.