The Irrational Man: A Brief Guide to Dealing with Difficult People

There are many more irrational people than it seems at first glance. And with many of them you are forced to build communication, because you can’t just ignore them or leave with a wave of your hand. Here are examples of inappropriate behavior of people with whom you have to communicate every day:

• a partner who yells at you or refuses to discuss the problem
• a child trying to get his way with a tantrum;
• an aging parent who thinks you don’t care about him;
• a colleague who tries to blame his problems on you.

Mark Goulston, American psychiatrist, author of popular books on communication, developed a typology of irrational people and identified nine types of irrational behavior. In his opinion, they are united by several common features: irrationals, as a rule, do not have a clear picture of the world; they say and do things that make no sense; they make decisions that are not in their own interests. When you try to get them back on the path of sanity, they become unbearable. Conflicts with irrational people rarely develop into protracted, chronic showdowns, but they can be frequent and exhausting.

Nine types of irrational people

1. Emotional: looking for an outburst of emotions. They allow themselves to scream, slam the door and bring the situation to an unbearable state. These people are almost impossible to calm down.
2. Logical: Appear cold, stingy with emotions, treat others condescendingly. Everything that they see as illogical is ignored, especially the manifestation of the emotions of another person.
3. Emotionally dependent: they want to depend, shift responsibility for their actions and choices to others, put pressure on guilt, show their helplessness and incompetence. The requests for help never stop.
4. Frightened: live in constant fear. The world around them appears to them as a hostile place where everyone wants to harm them.
5. Hopeless: Lost hope. They are easy to hurt, offend, offend their feelings. Often the negative attitude of such people is contagious.
6. Martyr: never ask for help, even if they desperately need it.
7. Aggressive: dominate, subdue. Able to threaten, humiliate and insult a person in order to gain control over him.
8. Know-It-All: See themselves as the only expert on any subject. They like to expose others as profane, to deprive of confidence. They take a position «from above», they are able to humiliate, tease.
9. Sociopathic: exhibit paranoid behavior. They seek to intimidate, to hide their motives. We are sure that everyone wants to look into their souls and use information against them.

What are conflicts for?

The simplest thing in dealing with irrationals is to avoid conflicts by all means, because a positive outcome in a win-win scenario is almost impossible here. But the simplest is not always the best.

The founding father of conflictology, American sociologist and conflictologist Lewis Koser was one of the first to suggest that conflict has a positive function.

“Conflict, like cooperation, has social functions. A certain level of conflict is by no means necessarily dysfunctional, but it can be an essential component of both the process of the formation of the group and its sustainable existence, ”Kozera writes.

Interpersonal conflicts are inevitable. And if they are not formally resolved, then they flow into various forms of internal conflict. Unresolved conflicts hurt self-esteem, and sometimes even a basic sense of security.

Avoiding conflict with irrational people is a road to nowhere. Irrationals do not crave conflict on a conscious level. They, like all other people, want to be sure that they are understood, heard and considered with them, however, «falling into» their irrational beginning, they are often not capable of a mutually beneficial agreement.

How are rationals different from irrationals?

Goulston argues that in each of us there is an irrational principle. However, the brain of an irrational person reacts to conflict in a slightly different way than the brain of a rational person. As a scientific basis, the author uses the triune model of the brain developed by the neuroscientist Paul McClean in the 60s. According to McClean, the human brain is divided into three parts:

• upper — neocortex, the cerebral cortex responsible for reason and logic;
• the middle section — the limbic system, is responsible for emotions;
• the lower section — the brain of a reptile, is responsible for the basic survival instincts: «fight or flight.»

The difference between the functioning of the brain of the rational and the irrational lies in the fact that in conflict, stressful situations, the irrational person is dominated by the lower and middle sections, while the rational person is trying with all his might to stay in the area of ​​the upper brain. An irrational person is comfortable and familiar with being in a defensive position.

For example, when an emotional type yells or slams doors, it feels habitual within that behavior. Unconscious programs of the emotional type encourage him to scream in order to be heard. While the rational has a hard time in this situation. He sees no solution and feels stumped.

How to prevent a negative scenario and stay in a rational beginning?

First of all, remember that the goal of an irrational person is to bring you into his zone of influence. In the «native walls» of the reptilian and emotional brain, an irrational person orients himself like a blind man in the dark. When the irrational manages to lead you to strong emotions, such as anger, resentment, guilt, a sense of injustice, then the first impulse is to “hit” in response. But that is exactly what an irrational person expects from you.

It is not necessary, however, to demonize irrational people or consider them a source of evil. The force that motivates them to behave unreasonably and even destructively is most often a set of subconscious scripts that they received in childhood. Each of us has our own programs. However, if the irrational prevails over the rational, conflicts become a problem area in communications.

Three rules for conflict with an irrational person

Train your self-control. The first step is an internal dialogue where you say to yourself, “I see what is happening. He/she wants to piss me off.” When you can delay your reaction to the remark or action of an irrational person, take a few breaths and exhales, you have won the first victory over instinct. In this way, you regain the ability to think clearly.

Get back to the point. Don’t let an irrational person lead you astray. If the ability to think clearly is mastered, it means that you can control the situation with simple but effective questions. Imagine that you are arguing with an emotional type who screams at you through tears: “What kind of person are you! You’re out of your mind if you’re telling me this! What is this for me! What have I done to deserve such treatment!” Such words easily cause annoyance, guilt, bewilderment and a desire to pay back in kind. If you give in to instinct, then your answer will lead to a new stream of accusations.

If you’re a conflict avoidant, then you’ll want to give up and leave things as they are, agreeing with what your irrational opponent says. This leaves a heavy residue and does not resolve the conflict. Instead, take control of the situation. Show that you hear your interlocutor: “I can see that you are upset about the current situation. I want to understand what you are trying to tell me.» If the person continues to tantrum and does not want to hear from you, stop the conversation by offering to return to him later, when he can talk to you calmly.

Take control of the situation. To resolve the conflict and find a way out, one of the opponents must be able to take the reins into their own hands. In practice, this means that after determining the essence, when you heard the interlocutor, you can direct him in a peaceful direction. Ask the interlocutor how he sees the resolution of the situation. The one who asks the question controls the situation. “As far as I understand, you lacked my attention. What can we do to change the situation?” With this question, you will return a person to a rational course and hear what exactly he expects. Perhaps his proposals do not suit you, and then you can put forward your own. However, this is better than an excuse or an attack.