The crisis of aging: in search of a new meaning

This crisis usually manifests itself at the age of 55-65, which means that most of us will have to face it. After all, there are more and more elderly people in the world.

The boundaries of the crisis are not tied to certain physiological processes, they strongly depend on our individual line of life — on what events happened, what values ​​we shared, what choices we made.

In general, as long as everything is going well — there is work, colleagues, friends, and every day is scheduled, as long as there is a need to get up and work — the crisis is shifting indefinitely. But when will none of this happen? What then?

Stages of the crisis

An abrupt change in lifestyle — usually associated with retirement — and / or a series of losses of loved ones, growing health problems — all this can “start” a chain of painful experiences that determine this transition period. What are they?

1. Search for your own meanings

Finding a partner, starting a family, realizing oneself in a profession — most of our life we ​​focus on the tasks that are laid down in our social program. We feel that we have certain obligations to the outside world and loved ones. And closer to the age of 60-65, we suddenly come across the fact that society is no longer interested. It seems to say: “That’s it, I don’t need you anymore. You are free. Next, on my own.»

The loss of a job becomes such a marker of lack of demand. For the first time, a person acutely feels that he is now left to himself. There are no more tasks for him to solve. No one else admires what he has done. And if you didn’t do something, well, okay, it doesn’t matter. Now a person must determine his own life and think: what do you want to do yourself?

For many, this turns out to be an unrecoverable problem, because they are used to obeying external events. But later life will find joy and meaning only if you fill it with meaning yourself.

2. Accept a change in perspective

By the age of 60-65, a person increasingly has such “stumbling” about life: he perceives more and more relevant topics, events, and innovations as alien. Remember how in the old romance — «Spring will not come for me.»

And here, too, there is a feeling that a lot is no longer for me — all these Internet portals, payment terminals. A person asks a question: why develop, change, learn and master something if I have 10 years of my life left? I don’t need all this anymore.

Life goes aside, it’s not for me. This is the feeling of a departing nature, belonging to another time — it is tragically experienced. Gradually, he has less and less connections with the new reality — only what has been accumulated before.

And this turns a person from perspective to retrospective, back to the past. He understands that everyone is going the other way. And he himself does not know how to turn there and, most importantly, does not want to waste time and effort on this. And so it turns out, as it were, out of time.

3. Accept your life as ending

To imagine a world that would exist without me — without my emotions, demands, activity — is a difficult task. For many years, life seemed full of possibilities: I still have time! Now we have to establish a framework, in a sense — to outline the line of the horizon of life and focus on it. There is no longer going beyond the boundaries of this magic circle.

The opportunity to set long-term goals disappears. A person begins to realize that some things, in principle, are not realized. Even if he feels that he can and wants to change, even if he has the resource and intention, then it is impossible to do everything he wanted.

Some events will never happen, now for sure. And this leads to the understanding that life, in principle, is never complete. The stream will continue to flow, but we will no longer be in it. It takes courage to live in a situation where much will not come true.

To delineate the time horizon, to remove ourselves from the life to which we are accustomed, which we liked and where we felt comfortable in order to make room for others — these are the tasks that the aging crisis brings us to solve.

Is it possible to get at least some pleasure from life in these last years? Yes, but here, as in any personal work, you cannot do without effort. Happiness in adulthood depends on assertiveness — the ability of a person not to depend on external influences and assessments, independently regulate their behavior and be responsible for it.

Acceptance Strategies

In many ways, these recommendations are addressed to close people — adult children, friends, as well as a psychotherapist — in this work, an older person urgently needs a look from the outside, warm, interested and accepting.

1. Realize that most of the meanings that I wanted to realize were nevertheless fulfilled. Analyze the main stages of life: what you wanted, what you hoped for, what worked out, what happened, and what didn’t work out. Realize that even if the achievements are minimal, at the moment when you realized them, they had value for you. Understanding that you have actually always done what you wanted in life helps to overcome despair.

2. Accept your past experience as correct. The elderly often lament: I was busy with one thing, but didn’t do the other, I missed the most important thing!

It is necessary to help a person to rethink the most negative aspects of his experience (didn’t manage to do something, did something badly, incorrectly) as the only possible ones under the circumstances in which he lived. And show that you didn’t do it, because you did something else, at that moment important for you. And it means that the decision was correct, the best at that moment. Everything that is done is for the better.

3. Reveal additional meanings. Even if a person has lived a very simple life, one can see more meanings in it than he himself sees. After all, we very often underestimate what we have done. For example, an elderly person says: I had a family, one child, a second, and I was forced to earn money instead of being creative or making a career.

A loving loved one can explain: listen, you had to make a choice. You chose your family — you gave the children the opportunity to grow and develop, you saved your wife from having to go to work and gave her the opportunity to spend more time at home, as she wanted. You yourself, along with the children, developed and discovered many new things for yourself …

A person reconsiders his experience, sees its versatility and begins to appreciate what he lived more.

4. See new tasks. We stay afloat as long as we clearly understand why we live. This is more difficult for someone who does not have a family, grandchildren, and a career is over. “For myself” and “for my own sake” come to the fore.

And here again you need to “dig” into the past and remember: what you wanted to do, but didn’t get your hands on it, didn’t have time, didn’t have opportunities — and now there is a sea of ​​them (largely thanks to the Internet). Everyone has their own “why do I need this”.

One has accumulated a list of unread books, another has a desire to visit some specific places, the third has a desire to plant an apple tree of a certain variety and wait for the first fruits. After all, we make small choices all our lives, refusing one in favor of another, and something always remains overboard.

And in old age, all these “maybe”, “somehow later” become a good resource. One of them is learning, learning something new. Now there is no longer an attitude to study in order to get a profession and earn money. Now you can learn what is really interesting. As long as there is curiosity, it will keep you afloat.

5. Talk about the past. Adult children need to talk as much as possible with an elderly person about his past life, about himself.

Even if he tells you some childhood impressions for the hundredth time, you still need to listen and ask questions: what did you feel then? What were you thinking? How did you deal with loss? What were some big twists and turns in your life? What about triumphs? How did they encourage you to do new things?

These questions will allow a person in these flashbacks not to walk on the beaten track, but to expand their view of what happened.

6. Expand horizons. Older parents often take new experiences with distrust. A serious task for grandchildren: to sit next to them and try to tell what fascinates them, explain, show on their fingers, try to introduce an elderly person to the life that slips out of his hands, and, if possible, help to go beyond the boundaries of his own personality.

7. Overcome fear. This is perhaps the most difficult thing — to go alone to the theater or to the pool, to join some kind of community. Fear and prejudice must be overcome. All good things in life start with overcoming. We live as long as we overcome the inertia of not doing something.

Come up with reasons for yourself: I won’t go to the pool alone — I’ll go with my grandson and have fun. I will agree with my girlfriends to take a walk in the park, to enroll in a studio together, where they draw and dance. The older we are, the more we have to invent our lives.

When can we say that the crisis is over? When a person takes a given: yes, I’m old, I’m leaving, making room for new generations. In psychology, this is called «universalization», that is, the feeling of merging oneself with the world. And then, by the age of 75, a new understanding and acceptance comes: I lived my life with dignity and now I can leave with dignity. Everything will be fine without me.