Is it better to sleep together or apart? Under one blanket or under different ones? And in general, is the function of co-sleeping inherent in us by nature? The family psychologist speaks.
Watching old films about post-war life, on the scenes of a joint marital dream, every time I catch myself thinking — how do they sleep together on such a narrow bed? After all, do not move, do not turn: the blanket is one for two, and not a modern «double bed» or «euro», but the usual «one and a half».
Although there is nothing to be surprised at — the rooms are small, the beds with iron nets were designed for one person, additional blankets, mattresses, bedding — a luxury. Therefore, there was not much choice. Like it or not, but loving (and unloving) spouses crowded under one blanket.
Today, the sizes of beds and blankets are limited only by considerations of adequacy. But the question “sleep spouses under the same blanket or under different ones” is still shrouded in a mass of prejudices, signs and stereotypes.
Why sleep under the same blanket?
Body heat, touch, hugs, smell — all this contributes to the production of oxytocin, which, in turn, stimulates the production of endorphins, «happiness hormones». Therefore, two people strive to be closer to each other, and where is it easier to do this than under the same blanket?
But then people fall asleep. They toss and turn in their sleep, pushing their partner. They pull the blanket off him, wrapping himself in a cocoon. One is hot and wants to move away, the other, on the contrary, moves even closer. Someone sleeps so restlessly that the blanket is on the floor, and both are cold. And others, even in their sleep, worry about how not to accidentally leave their partner without a blanket, and all night they check if he is open.
Well, how did you sleep after such a night? What mood do you get out of bed in? You want to growl at your partner, and not hug and kiss, right?
Separate blankets could be the way out, but the trouble is that the stereotype is very strong that sleeping under different blankets (and even more so in different beds) is a signal of relationship problems and the path to a break
We continue to suffer in an endless blanket war in attempts to sleep. And we don’t think about the fact that the fact that we can’t talk about nighttime discomfort and inconvenience is actually signaling problems in relationships. And chronic lack of sleep, irritation and quarrels on the basis of night battles are more likely to lead to a break.
I did a mini survey. This is not a scientific study, and the result does not claim to be valid. Of the 24 participants in the survey, 42% of couples sleep under different blankets, 25% sleep in different beds. At the same time, about 70% of them are satisfied with their relationship. Of those who have a common blanket, about 90% are satisfied with the relationship. And the length of marriage has little effect on the choice of whether to sleep under the same blanket or under different ones.
How to Discuss the Blanket Question with Your Partner
Let’s say you decide for yourself that it would be better for you to sleep with a partner under different blankets. How to tell him about this, so as not to offend, so that he does not perceive this as a threat to relations?
If any topic is freely discussed in your couple and there is enough security, emotional closeness and warmth between you, there are no questions.
But if a common blanket is the only thing that unites you, then it certainly will not be without difficulties. In this case, you should start by creating other ways to feel emotional closeness: touching during the day, hugging, eye contact, talking, spending time together, like movies, walking…
And when your relationship is filled with warmth and security, then gently and delicately explain to your partner how a joint blanket interferes with your full sleep, how it affects your well-being and mood, and therefore, relationships.
You can offer different blankets as an experiment for a couple of weeks — and then make a final decision.
The number of blankets in a marital bed (as well as the number of beds themselves) is not an indicator of the level of harmony and happiness in marriage. If there has been no love, warmth and understanding in a relationship for a long time, a joint blanket will definitely not solve problems. Like different blankets, they will not deprive a couple of intimacy and love. Besides, who prevents you from lying in bed and hugging under one blanket, and falling asleep, taking another one? It’s just a matter of comfort.
Much more important than the number of blankets is the supply of emotional intimacy in a couple, the quantity and quality of sex. Then it will not matter to you what stereotypes and signs exist, because you have the main thing — love and mutual understanding.