Contents
“It was during a family vacation that my first aggressive obsessions emerged: while I was holding a kitchen knife one evening, I saw myself stabbing my parents and my brother. As if seized with an irrepressible desire, accompanied by extremely violent images, I was convinced that I was capable of taking action if I obeyed this little voice which summoned me to destroy my own family, from the height of my thirteen years. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was simply suffering from what is called impulse phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, characterized by the fear of losing control and committing a violent act towards oneself. or others.
The years that followed were marked by similar episodes. I couldn’t approach the platform until the train arrived, fearing that I would be seized with an impulse and push someone onto the tracks. In the car, I imagined giving a turn of the steering wheel and speeding into a tree or another vehicle. It worried me already at the time, but to a lesser extent.
What is impulse phobia?
Impulse phobia is an obsessive obsession or fear of committing an aggressive, violent and / or reprehensible act, and is morally prohibited. For example, assaulting someone when you have a knife in your hand, pushing a passenger under the train if you are on a platform… This disorder can also concern acts that one would commit on his own children. These haunting thoughts never translate into action.
Impulse phobias belong to the OCD family and can arise after a birth, although many moms don’t have the courage to talk about it. The management of impulse phobias is essentially based on psychotherapy, and in particular on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Gentle approaches like mindfulness meditation or herbal medicine can also be effective.
“I was seized with thoughts that froze my blood”
It was when I gave birth to my first child in 2017 that these scenarios took a particularly anxiety-provoking turn. I was seized with thoughts that chilled my blood and of which my son, the being who mattered most to me, was the target.
Nestled in my mind without my wanting to, these terrible ideas gave rise to a vicious cycle of endless ruminations, and the mundane gestures of everyday life ended up taking on such an agonizing character that I could no longer do them. single. For example, it was out of the question for me to approach knives or windows, “phobogenic” stimuli that triggered all kinds of physical sensations, tensions and placed me in such emotional distress that I was afraid at the idea. that my husband leaves us to go to work. I couldn’t bathe on my own either, for fear of drowning him.
From the first months of my son and my first steps as a mother, I have memories tinged with joy and regret, of having bowed down in the face of my fears in particular. To have been so panicked and convinced that these thoughts could contain an element of truth, and that putting in place avoidance strategies would allow me to get out of the rut. I had to discover that it is these bad reflexes that fertilize the breeding ground of fear and allow all these distressing patterns to flourish, even when they are contrary to our values.
Receive your thoughts with kindness
By understanding this, I was able to learn how to manage them better in a few months, especially through mindfulness meditation. I admit I was very resistant at first, the very idea of sitting for several minutes and observing my breathing seemed completely absurd to me. What would I look like, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room with my eyes closed, if my husband suddenly tumbled down ?! I still played the game, meditating ten minutes every day for a week, then a month, then a year, sometimes doing sessions longer than an hour, which seemed inconceivable to me at first.
It allowed me to learn to stem this flow of negative thoughts by exposing myself to them and welcoming them with kindness, without judgment, instead of seeking to avoid or fight against them. Although I have consulted with several psychiatrists, I am convinced that the best therapy has been mindfulness meditation and the work it has led me to do on myself over the months.
Observing and accepting what is happening in our head and in our body, by being truly present, invites us to change our relationship to our thoughts and our feelings, whether they are good or bad.
“Having the courage to talk about it also means acknowledging your fears”
After having had a second child a few months ago, I have seen the progress and the road traveled since her brother was born. While I didn’t dare talk about it before (it’s the kind of detail that we prefer to keep under wraps!), This step back encouraged me to finally discuss this disorder with my loved ones, and even to write a book on all the techniques that helped me overcome it. Having the courage to talk about it also means acknowledging your own fears.
Today, I am not cured of these phobias of impulse because in reality, one never really cures them, but I was able to get rid of their influence, clearly limiting the aggressive thoughts, which hardly arise any more. In any case, I don’t give it any more importance, now that I know that everything is playing out in my head and that I will never take action. And that is a real victory for my personal development. “
Morgane Rosa