Contents
“My daughter thought that we were born white and that we grew black as we grew up…”
The testimony of Maryam, 42, and Paloma, 10
I adopted Paloma after my cousin died. Paloma was then a little over 3 years old. When she was little, she thought that you were born white and that you grew black as you grew up. She was sure her skin would look like mine later. She was quite disappointed when I explained to her that it was not really like that. I told him about miscegenation, my parents, our family, his history. She understood it very well. She told me one day “I may be white on the outside, but black in my heart.” More recently, she told me “what matters is what is in the heart”. Unstoppable !
Like all little girls, she wants what she doesn’t have. Paloma has straight hair and dreams of having braids, additions, puffy hair “like a cloud”, like the afro hairstyle I had for a while. She finds my nose very beautiful. In her way of speaking, in her expressions, she looks a lot like me. In summer, all tanned, we take her for a mixed race and it is not uncommon for people to think that she is my biological daughter!
We settled in Marseille where I looked for a school adapted to its needs, to its rather heavy history. She is in a school of great diversity which applies the Freinet pedagogy, with a learning that adapts to each child, with classes organized by double level, where children are empowered, learn fairly independently and at their own pace. . It corresponds to the education I give him and it reconciles me with school, which I personally hated. Everything is going really well, she is with children from all walks of life. But I prepare her a little for college, for the questions that may be asked of her, for the reflections that she may be able to hear.
There is a lot of talk about racism, about how a skin color can determine how a person will be treated. I tell her that as a black mom, maybe I will be looked at differently. We talk about everything, colonialism, George Floyd, ecology… For me, it’s important to explain everything to him, there is no taboo. What I experience with Paloma is quite different from what I experienced with my mother who is white. She had to go to the front all the time, defend me, face racist thoughts. Today, I do not know if it is because Paloma has lighter skin, if it is my six feet and my shaved head that impose it, which command respect, if it is thanks to the Marseille diversity, but it’s going pretty well. “
“I feel like it’s easier for my children, compared to what I went through as a child. “
The testimony of Pierre, 37 years old, father of Lino, 13 years old, Numa, 10 years old and Rita, 8 years old
When I was a kid, it was always assumed that I was adopted. It was always necessary to explain that I was indeed my father’s son, because he is white. When we went shopping together, my father had to justify my presence by specifying that I was accompanying him. It was not uncommon for people to follow me around the store or look askance. When we went to Brazil, where my mother comes from, my father had to prove our parentage again. It was exhausting. I grew up in a rather wealthy environment, not really mixed. I was often the only black in my schooling. I heard a lot of rather borderline remarks, punctuated by an “oh but you, it’s not the same”. I was the exception and these remarks should be taken as a compliment. I often say, jokingly, that I sometimes have the impression of being a “fake”, a white in a body of black.
I have the impression that it is different for my children, three little blondes! There is not too much this presumption of adoption in that sense. People might be surprised, they might be like “hey, they don’t look alike”, but that’s it. I actually feel the curious looks when we are all together at a sidewalk cafe and one of them calls me daddy. But it rather makes me laugh. And I play it too: I learned that my eldest son was being bothered at school. I went to pick him up one day after leaving college. With my afro, my tattoos, my rings, it had its effect. Since then, the children have left him alone. Also more recently, Lino told me, when I went to pick him up at the swimming pool: “I’m sure they take you for my housekeeper or my driver”. Implied: these racist morons. I didn’t react too much at the time, it’s the first time he’s told me something like that, it surprised me. He must hear things at school or elsewhere and it may become a subject, a concern for him.
My two other children are convinced that they are mixed race, like me, while they are blond and rather fair! They are deeply associated with Brazilian culture, they want to speak Portuguese and spend their time dancing, especially my daughter. For them, Brazil is Carnival, music, dance all the time. They are not entirely wrong… Especially since they are used to seeing my mother dancing everywhere, even in the kitchen. So I try to pass on this double heritage to them, to teach them Portuguese. We were supposed to go to Brazil this summer, but the pandemic has passed there. This trip remains on the program. “
“I had to learn how to style my daughter’s hair. “
The testimony of Frédérique, 46 years old, mother of Fleur, 13 years old.
I have lived in London for over twenty years, and Fleur was born there. She is mixed race by her father who is English and Scottish, with Caribbean origins, from Saint Lucia. So I had to learn how to style my little girl’s natural hair. Not easy ! At the beginning, I tested products to nourish and disentangle them, products which were not always very suitable. I asked my black friends for advice, I also checked with specialist stores in my neighborhood to find out which products to use on this hair. And I admit, I also had to improvise, like many parents. Today, she has her habits, her products and she does her hair by herself.
We live in a district of London where there is a great mix of cultures and religions. Fleur’s school is very mixed, both socially and culturally. My daughter’s best friends are Japanese, Scottish, Caribbean and English. They eat from each other, discover each other’s specialties. I have never felt racism here against my daughter. It may be due to the mix of the city, my neighborhood or the effort that is made, also at school. Each year, on the occasion of “Black History Month”, students learn, from elementary school on, slavery, the works and lives of black authors, songs. This year, the British Empire and English colonization are on the program, a subject that revolts my daughter!
With the “Black Lives Matter” movement, Fleur was quite shaken by the news. She made drawings to support the movement, she feels concerned. We talk about it a lot at home, with my partner too, who is very involved in these issues.
It was during our trips back and forth to France that I witnessed racist thoughts about my daughter, but it was, fortunately, quite anecdotal. More recently, Fleur was shocked to see in a family home a large statue of a black groom, in servant mode, with white gloves. She asked me if it was normal to have this at home. No, not really, and it always pissed me off. I was told that it was not necessarily malicious or racist, that this type of decoration could have been in fashion. This is an argument that I have never found very convincing, but I have not yet dared to approach the subject head on. Perhaps Fleur will dare, later… ”
Interview by Sidonie Sigrist