We are all afraid of this period when the child begins to grow up and the world around him changes. Is this age always “difficult” and how to overcome it for parents and children, says mindfulness coach Alexander Ross-Johnson.
Most of us perceive puberty as a natural disaster, a hormonal tsunami. The uncontrollability of adolescents, their mood swings, irritability and the desire to take risks …
In the manifestations of adolescence, we see the “growing pains” that every child must get over, and at this time it is better for parents to hide somewhere and wait out the storm.
We look forward to the moment when the child begins to live like an adult. But this attitude is wrong, because we are looking through the real son or daughter in front of us at a fictional adult from the future. The teenager feels it and resists.
Rebellion in one form or another is indeed inevitable at this age. Among its physiological causes is restructuring in the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain that coordinates the work of its various departments, and is also responsible for self-awareness, planning, self-control. As a result, a teenager at some point cannot control himself (wants one thing, does another, says a third)1.
Over time, the work of the prefrontal cortex is getting better, but the speed of this process depends largely on how a teenager today interacts with significant adults and what type of attachment he developed in childhood.2.
Thinking about talking and naming emotions can help teens turn on their prefrontal cortex.
A teenager with a secure type of attachment is easier to explore the world and form vital skills: the ability to abandon the outdated, the ability to empathize, to conscious and positive social interactions, to confident behavior. If the need for care and closeness in childhood was not satisfied, then the adolescent accumulates emotional stress, which exacerbates conflicts with parents.
The best thing an adult can do in such a situation is to communicate with the child, teach him to live in the present, look at himself from the here and now without judgment. To do this, parents should also be able to shift the focus of attention from the future to the present: remain open to discuss any issues with the teenager, show sincere interest in what is happening to him, and not give judgments.
You can ask a son or daughter, offering to tell about what they felt, how it was reflected in the body (lump in the throat, fists clenched, sucked in the stomach), what they feel now when they talk about what happened.
It is useful for parents to monitor their reactions — to sympathize, but not to excite either themselves or the teenager by expressing strong emotions or arguing. Thoughtful conversation and naming of emotions (delight, bewilderment, anxiety…) will help the teenager to “turn on” the prefrontal cortex.
By communicating in this way, parents will inspire confidence in the child, and at the neurolevel, the work of various parts of the brain will be coordinated faster, which is necessary for complex cognitive processes: creativity, empathy, and the search for the meaning of life.
1 For more on this, see D. Siegel, The Growing Brain (MYTH, 2016).
2 J. Bowlby «Creating and destroying emotional bonds» (Canon +, 2014).