Mikhail Rogachev, magazine «Our psychology» (psychology for every day), May 2011, source: http://www.psyh.ru
Once I watched an elderly woman arguing with bank employees. The gist of the complaint looked insignificant in comparison with her excitement and indignation. The operators patiently listened, but the rage of the complainant was growing. This continued until the administrator sharply laid siege to the old woman. She collapsed, burst into tears and wandered to the exit. At the same time, oddly enough, she seemed to me satisfied. She looked as if some excruciating tension had left her. What prompted the person to start a conflict, as a result of which she herself turned out to be ashamed and offended? Perhaps the subconscious desire to become a victim in this squabble was her goal?
Behavior similar to the one I have observed is built according to the so-called masochistic scenario. Traditionally in psychology, masochism was understood as obtaining sexual satisfaction from pain and humiliation. However, many people tend to experience pleasure in being a victim, not only in the context of sexual games. The tendency to self-humiliation in such people is manifested in conflicts that they themselves start. Why do they do it?
Yes, because in ordinary life it is more difficult to implement a masochistic scenario than in sex. In sexual play, you can simply ask your partner to be cruel. In everyday life, it is unlikely that someone will agree to act as an aggressor, so masochists are forced to start quarrels and squabbles themselves, involve others in them, in order to end up in the role of a victim. Any of us, against our will, can be drawn into this performance. In order to avoid manipulation and protect against possible unpleasant experiences, it is useful to be able to recognize these scenarios. To do this, it would be good to understand how they arise. Conflict conflict strife. People defend their boundaries by solving issues of principle or expressing anger. Conflicts are useful for human development. However, quarrels provoked by a masochist, as a rule, cause only bewilderment, confusion and guilt in their unwitting participants. Realizing why the masochist needs a conflict, you can protect yourself from his manipulations and avoid unpleasant experiences.
«Weak Woman»
Margarita, 28 years old, lawyer
Flaming up, starting a squabble or showing pressure, Margarita hurries to cause fire on herself and rather find herself in the role of a victim. The fact is that in her view, militancy is an exclusively masculine quality, while sacrifice is a feminine virtue. Such an attitude was formed in her under the influence of her mother, who demonstrated her self-sacrifice as the main female dignity. Every woman (like a man) strives to feel psychological belonging to her own sex. Sacrifice has indeed traditionally been considered one of the characteristics of a woman’s behavior that distinguishes her from a man. This stereotype is enshrined in the designations «weaker sex» and «strong sex». However, in cases like the behavior of Margarita, there is a formal substitution of concepts. Instead of self-denial, altruism, the state of the victim (suffering, trauma) is achieved. The realization of such a masochistic scenario serves Margarita as a perverted means of feeling «her own femininity.»
Recommendation: if the woman who started the conflict says: “I am a weak woman”, “women are always treated this way”, you can stop the quarrel by appealing specifically to her femininity. Saying “you are a woman”, “you are a mother”, “you are such a beautiful woman”, you can briefly strengthen her sexual identity, and she will calm down.
«Emotionally Hungry»
Vadim, 41 years old, realtor
Parents were cold and indifferent to little Vadik. Performing any action that caused the fury of his parents, the boy, as best he could, declared himself. Irritated parents punished him, thus giving him at least a little attention. Only in this way could Vadim attract attention to himself in order to prove his existence. Now, as an adult, he provokes anger towards himself by making contact with other people in the only way he knows how.
Recommendation: If during the course of an argument you feel that the opponent is trying to attract attention to himself, causing your rage, pay attention to him or her. Try to just think, “Who is this person? What is he? Try asking him questions about him. See, he will calm down.
«Rescued»
Olga, 25 years old, economist
Olga, finding herself in a difficult situation, always expects that she will be protected, as it was in childhood. Parents, busy with their own affairs, did not pay attention to little Olya until something happened to her. The girl learned that when she gets into trouble, she gains the attention of her parents. Having become an adult, Olga continues to play out the scenario «persecutor — victim — rescuer». She subconsciously provokes another person to show aggression towards her, to humiliate her. Caught in a humiliated position, Olga looks forward to attracting the attention of someone who will take on the role of a saving parent. In some cases, it works, they stand up for it. Satisfaction is achieved at the moment when Olga is pitied, thereby encouraging her need for care and attention.
Recommendation: if you feel that the opponent makes you pity, show it. Even if you take pity on your offender internally, you will ensure that a person of this type will end the conflict.
«Punishable»
Alexandra, 30, journalist
Alexandra begins to look for herself “someone who will punish”, as soon as she feels at least a little guilty of something. Being morally beaten, receiving punishment, she gets rid of an unbearable feeling of guilt for her. A normal attitude towards one’s own guilt is formed in childhood. Like any child, Sasha felt guilty, trying to violate the prohibitions imposed by her parents. A little guilt is a necessary element in parenting. Experiencing and enduring this feeling, the child gradually learns to regulate his own behavior. However, Sasha’s parents did not give her the opportunity to be guilty, but immediately severely punished her for wrongdoing. As a result, Sasha has a stereotype: a sense of guilt should be immediately followed by punishment. Thus, her masochistic scenario arose. However, in order to impose on someone the role of a “punishing parent”, the adult Alexandra herself is forced to be the first to start a conflict in which she will be punished as a result. Starting a conflict, she intensifies her sense of guilt, therefore, having «accepted the punishment», Alexandra experiences a bright release of tension.
Recommendation: if the one who decided to sort things out suddenly starts to look guilty, and you, nevertheless, cannot get rid of the desire to teach him a lesson, do not deny yourself the pleasure — punish him. Your desire coincides with his (her) hidden need. Just don’t overdo it!
«Complainant»
Grigory, 40 years old, manager
Each time, feeling angry or angry in himself, Gregory unconsciously looks for a person whom he can provoke into a conflict in order to endure insult and insult himself. Feeling «offended», he begins to complain about the offender: he turns to the leadership, calls the police, sues. This behavior helps him cope with his own forbidden aggressiveness. The reasons for this are hidden in his childhood, when his parents accepted and supported in Grisha only good, in their opinion, traits. When the boy turned out to be bad, his parents ignored him, not talking to him for a long time. The aggressiveness of the son was considered the worst property. Although some anger is normal for a boy of four, Grisha was convinced that by fighting or playing «war», he risks becoming «unloved» and «stranger» for his parents. Therefore, the kid figured out how to hide his rage, pretending to be injured. When other children, playing in the kindergarten, pushed or hit Grisha, he immediately ran to complain to the teacher. Grisha presented himself as a victim, but in the same way he showed his aggression towards other children — after all, the “offender” was always punished. The boy began to attribute his own aggressiveness to other children, since he was forbidden to be «evil». Having matured, the young man continues to look for aggressive properties in others, denying them in himself. So he tries to keep the love of his inner parents. Gregory regularly proves to himself that if he is the injured party, then he is definitely not evil, which means he is good.
Recommendation: if you suddenly find yourself embroiled in a conflict, pay attention to threats addressed to you — “I will find justice for you!”. In this case, you can tell a person that he himself is evil and warlike. Most likely, he will be frightened of his own aggressiveness and will soon calm down.