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«Innocent» flirting, borderline jokes, obsessive «courting» and persistent «flirting» — how to understand that the man from whom they come from has far from good intentions? How to recognize a friend, colleague, neighbor or stranger in a cafe or public transport as a truly dangerous person and protect yourself?
I was fifteen, maybe sixteen. The scene is a Moscow metro car, rush hour. The touches of the man standing behind were not accidental — it is difficult to explain where such confidence comes from, but it is also impossible to confuse.
At that age, I already knew that I just had to move away. Or, if you have the courage, turn around and look as strictly as possible: then the man, perhaps, retires himself. Well, it’s just that there are “such people,” the parents said. True, no one explained what “such” people were, just as no one said that a person could turn out to be far from harmless.
Flirting implies that a man who shows interest in a woman is able to accept rejection
Then I just got out of the car. I didn’t think about that episode for many years until I saw a similar scene in the second season of Sexual Education. For the heroine, Aimee, everything ended well in the end — as it did for me.
But, firstly, it turns out that we are still in situations like this. And secondly, statistics show that for many women they take on a much more unpleasant turn. So how do you know that an «interested» man can be dangerous?
Flirting or harassment?
“What now, and you can’t show signs of attention to the girl ?!” — such a comment can often be heard from the men themselves and read under stories about inappropriate manifestations of «flirting» both at work and in public places.
Psychologist Arina Lipkina offers several criteria, based on which one can understand that a man who demonstrates “interest” can be truly dangerous.
1. “I see the goal, I see no obstacles”
In a healthy version, the situation of flirting implies that a man who shows interest in a woman is able to hear and accept a refusal. Respecting her right to personal boundaries and the right not to reciprocate, he will simply leave the girl alone and break contact. Perhaps even get out of the subway car or cafe, if we are talking about getting to know each other in a public space.
“One of the definitions of flirting sounds like this: it is an equal game between two people, which ends as soon as one person leaves this game,” explains the psychologist.
“In any case, overestimating the danger is much better than underestimating it.”
— This means that if a woman wants to get out of the “game”, and a man is not ready to hear her “no” and regards any of her actions or inactions as a positive reaction to her flirting, we are talking about threatening behavior that can lead to an attack, aggression and violence. Such “selective deafness” is the first alarm signal.”
2. Not just words
Another sign is the use of words and compliments with obvious sexual overtones in a situation where the girl did not give the slightest reason for this.
By the way, according to the “harassment scale” proposed by trainer and coach Ken Cooper, the first level is the so-called “aesthetic assessment”. This includes as , and «approving» whistles or winks.
Other levels are “mental probing” (“undressing” with a look, vulgar jokes, inappropriate offers) and physical touching: starting with “social touching” (putting a hug, putting a hand on your shoulder) and ending with … in fact, the most unpleasant thing you can imagine.
Of course, all this can be attributed to the low cultural level of a person, and yet it is worth keeping in mind that this can be a danger signal.
3. «Knife in the heart»
According to Lipkina, you should also be wary if a man reacts sharply and resentfully to a refusal or to the fact that the girl simply ignores his words and behavior. “Behind the resentment in this case lies anger, which can result in dangerous actions,” the psychologist adds.
— In any case, it is much better to overestimate the danger than to underestimate it, otherwise everything can end up with the fact that the man will turn to physical actions — he will try to block the road, grab his hand — or insults, accusations that the girl «she gave the signals.»
This means that in any situation where you do not have support — friends nearby, familiar surroundings, people who you can turn to in case of anything — you should take care to protect yourself as much as possible.
And, of course, if a man is in an altered state of consciousness, for example, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, then this makes the situation more dangerous. You need to try to isolate yourself from such a person right away.
Whatever role you find yourself in, always try to trust your instincts.
It is not easy to do this — first of all psychologically — but you can prepare in advance for any scenario by going through a special on the platform designed by L’Oreal Paris. You can also get acquainted with the “5D” rule there — five possible options for action in such situations are encrypted in this name: Disorient, Demonstrate support, Delegate, Document, Act.
Presented in a visual video format, with real life examples, this rule is easy to remember and can be applied by anyone who has witnessed harassment in public places to the aggressor and do it as safely as possible for yourself, the victim and others, correctly assessing the context and gravity of the situation.
And finally. Whatever role you find yourself in — victims of inappropriate attention or an outside observer — try to always trust your instincts. If you think that a man is dangerous for you or for another woman, most likely it does not seem to you. And certainly you should not question this feeling and check whether you are right or not.