“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of you. What is not part of us does not bother us, ”said Hermann Hesse. Together with a life coach, we will figure out how to see your own shadow sides in irritation and admiration towards other people and accept them in order to grow, develop and expand your horizons.
When communicating with people, the strongest emotions evoke in us those character traits and habits that we, for some reason, cannot afford ourselves. Punctual people are annoyed by lateness, champions of cleanliness are slovenly, and prudes, for example, secretly admire the assertive nature of their friends.
This is because people see in others a reflection of their own qualities, which they deny on an unconscious level — what we call the Shadow of Personality. The shadow is formed in childhood, when the environment condemns certain actions or character traits.
It is at this moment that we begin to divide actions and personal qualities into good and bad. On the one hand, it helps to fit into society, on the other hand, we begin to deny some of our personal qualities. And it is these repressed traits of ours that most often annoy or delight us in other people.
golden shadow
We all have untapped talents. They go into the shadows for various reasons. For example, a girl sang on stage as a child, but not only did she not receive the approval, recognition, and applause she expected, but she also listened to criticism from her parents and friends.
Since then, she has been trying to cover up this story, saying: “I sing so-so, not like the singer Pelageya. She has a gorgeous voice. I can never do that!” But the truth is that the qualities and abilities that we admire in other people are in ourselves.
Perhaps in the form of undeveloped potential, but there is! If desired, they can be brought to a professional level. Even the analytical psychologist Carl Jung said that the Shadow is a collection of our repressed ideas about ourselves, and not necessarily negative ones.
We do not see in others what is not in us. Admiring people, we see in them, as in a mirror, our hidden needs, talents and opportunities. At the same time, a large amount of our energy is spent on suppressing them.
If one recognizes one’s own Shadow and directs energy in a constructive direction, then a person will have the opportunity to freely realize his creative potential.
What to do with extreme feelings towards others?
Can we control our emotions towards other people? It turns out yes. To do this, it is necessary to develop awareness and learn to understand what is really happening to us at one time or another. Otherwise, the unconscious will control us. What we are not aware of usually looks like bad luck or fate.
On the way, we come across people who annoy and frustrate our plans, we quarrel with relatives and friends, get angry at colleagues … It seems that everything is natural and that fate controls us. But it’s not. We unconsciously notice and attract people with those qualities that we suppress in ourselves.
This can be corrected if you start working on your awareness. To do this, it is good to use tools such as, for example, a diary for recording annoying and inspiring situations and dreams, as well as group trainings. How will this help?
1. Diary. Allows you to notice the patterns and sequences that occur in life. Analyzing the records, we can remember and understand what annoys us in certain situations, which people cause admiration and which anger.
According to the records, you can independently or with the help of a specialist analyze life situations, group people and events in such a way as to identify pain points. For example, we are annoyed by couriers who are late, customers who miss deadlines, partners who arrive at a meeting at the wrong time.
This may mean that our punctuality hides a fear of being late. Perhaps we ourselves are slow by nature, but we do not allow ourselves to be late even for a minute, so as not to let a person down, not to disrupt a contract, not to violate the plans of partners.
Perhaps in the past there is an unpleasant history associated with being late. And because of this, we are constantly nervous and in a state of stress. Once we understand the reason for the anxiety, we will begin to take it easy and allow ourselves to be late sometimes. Stress levels will decrease and irritation towards people will go away.
2. Teamwork. A lot of food for thought can come from participating in group coaching sessions. Different, unfamiliar people gather there and, under the guidance of a coach, give each other feedback. At such events, various interesting moments can emerge.
For example, a girl wants people to perceive her as open, kind and cheerful, and they see her as a bitch. So, it is precisely this trait that she actually suppresses in herself. In this situation, people become «mirrors» for each other and honestly give feedback, which can be very unpleasant.
At the same time, people who know each other will not be able to perform this exercise, since their opinion will be biased. They will give feedback to the person based on their experience with them.
This is an emotionally complex work on oneself, the result of which will be the release of psychic energy and forces that were previously spent on suppressing and denying one’s shadow side. And believe me: the result will justify the effort you spent.