Sexuality: men are losing ground?

The setting was perfect. She booked a suite at the hotel. Velvet curtains, a translucent canopy over the bed, a full-length mirror – they both liked to see themselves. “The idea was his. He offered to celebrate the New Year “our way”. When I entered, he went to the window, opened a bottle of champagne and filled the glasses. A stormy night full of passion awaited us. How I wanted it! And I didn’t forget to tell him. But things didn’t go the way we had hoped. Andrei did not succeed, for the first time in the entire time of our romance. Elena, apparently, is still worried about this.

This is a special case from the life of one couple, but such episodes are not uncommon. Recently, this has been discussed at the appointments of sexologists and psychotherapists, sales of Viagra and other libido stimulants are growing. Men are increasingly questioning their masculinity. Sexologists talk about a crisis of virility, about sexual failures. The struggle for a new balance of power in relations between the sexes, as it turned out, confuses men. They have to part with the idea of ​​dominance in society, reconsider the models of interaction with women, in particular courtship and seduction. “Women, both socially and personally, have lost clarity and certainty in the eyes of men,” says psychoanalyst Helene Vecchiali. “Because of confusion, they simply do not know how to behave.” In the 90s, Russia went through a crisis similar to the sexual revolution in Europe in the 60s. The fact that our “revolution” happened later did not make it any easier. Perhaps, on the contrary: many men acutely felt their economic failure, which did not have the best effect on their self-esteem. Previously, when communicating with women, men could play according to certain rules. Today they have nothing to rely on.

Penis under the weight of expectations

This is not an easy situation for men who attach great importance to sex and consider their penis the crown of creation. Narcissism predominates in a man’s relation to his penis. Freud explains this by “the nature of this organ, which serves to continue the human race” *. Without the phallus, sexual intercourse and conception are impossible. It symbolizes the omnipotence of a man, but it also “exposes” his physiology, makes him vulnerable. “When a man is attracted, it is immediately noticeable: his penis is in a state of erection, desire literally takes shape,” says psychoanalyst Elsa Cayat. Male desire is obvious, it cannot be imitated. A woman, on the contrary, does not demonstrate her intentions and needs so clearly. She can hide her desire or, if necessary, feign it. And the man openly “declares” his readiness and thereby excites the desire of his partner. “My girls like to see my erection,” admits 36-year-old Valery. “I’m sure that’s what makes them excited in response.” But this visibility has a downside: in some situations, a man becomes defenseless.

Sex is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a love relationship. When a man is in a state of sexual arousal, he still does not know if he can fall in love, and bodily contact helps him sort out his feelings: “Men are closer to their body, they feel it better than we women,” says Helen Vecchiali. Women love to put feelings into words.

And for men, true intimacy necessarily passes through sexual intercourse. If a connection arises, men open up, surrender to a new feeling. At heart, they are romantics, even if they forget their birthday and do not give flowers. By the way, men are extremely rarely as caustic and cruel as women. They just melt when they love, not embarrassed to show their desire and their affection. “Often a man wants children – and several, so that a woman becomes dependent on him,” says Sergey Agarkov. Because a man is looking for a long-term partnership. And a woman, on the contrary, reduces the “reproduction program”, she has the opportunity to realize herself not only in the family, but also outside it. And she does not intend to miss this opportunity.

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Boy for the evening

A man often dives into himself, analyzes his behavior, wants to understand how best to satisfy his partner. And he gets nervous when confronted with women who want to act like men. “There was a stage of abstinence in my life,” says 40-year-old George. “Physical contact, even the very thought of it, disgusted me. Before that, I met girls who used me like a thing, and after intimacy they threw me away like a paper handkerchief. It was as if I was being “removed” for an evening or two, like a sex toy, a comfort boy. I had the feeling that I was deprived of strength, sexual energy, masculinity, finally. Modern women are more likely to succumb to the impulse “I need it now, immediately”, looking for another trophy. They want a penis, not a genuine feeling. When a woman pronounces the phrase “I want you”, she takes away the opportunity for men to enjoy uncertainty, removes the veil of secrecy, deprives physical intimacy of sacredness. “20% of American men prefer virtual sex,” says Sergey Agarkov, “we are also moving in this direction. It is important for a man to control the situation, and at the computer he becomes like Goodwin the Almighty – he controls everything, but it is impossible to get him. And it does not matter that he is small, because he is not visible, only his powerful voice is heard. His partners do not know what he is in reality, and he is immune to criticism.

Long, short…

Humanity is getting used to the idea that love is not necessarily for life. We no longer go crazy if one love ends and another begins. We offer SMS, Skype, social networks. It’s easy to get to know each other… and to leave. Forms of sex for one evening have appeared, when people deliberately try not to learn anything about each other and do not seek new meetings. “But after five or six partners, this, as a rule, bothers you,” says Sergey Agarkov. – A man is looking for a relationship, recognition. Today, his task has become more complicated: you need not only to please a woman so that she answers “yes”, but also to keep her. Most marriages concluded in the first half of life break up at the initiative of women. It is all the more important for a man to say: “This woman chose me, she trusts me, she is ready to give birth to children from me.” Men of the era of “advanced feminism” want to be sensitive lovers and attentive partners. They had to give up unconditional supremacy, but they are no longer obliged to be responsible for both the partner’s pleasure and their own, constantly portraying a macho. Elsa Kayat comes to the conclusion: “In the old days, a man seemed to be playing a performance, pretending. Today he has the right to be himself – alive, real, sometimes vulnerable … ”But he should be treated with care. Caution man!

* Z. Freud “Introduction to psychoanalysis. Lectures. ABC classic, 2009.