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Your child has nothing to do with it: tell him!
Before you decide, give yourself time to think it over. When a child’s future and daily life are at stake, think about it very seriously before making the decision to separate. The year after the birth of a baby – whether it is the first or the second child – is a particularly difficult test for the marital relationship : often, the man and the woman are upset by the change and move away from each other momentarily.
As a first step, do not hesitate to consult a third party, a family mediator or a marriage counselor, to understand what is wrong and try to start again together on new bases.
If despite everything, the séparation is necessary, think first of preserving your baby. The child, even very small, has a mad talent for feeling guilty about what happens that is negative. Tell him that his mom and dad are not going to be together anymore, but that they love him and that he will continue to see them both. It was the famous psychoanalyst, Françoise Dolto, who discovered in her consultation of newborns the beneficial effect of true words on babies: “I know that he does not understand everything I say to him, but I am sure he does something with it because he is not the same afterwards. The idea that a toddler is unaware of the situation and at the same time would be protected from the anger or grief of his parents is a delusion. Just because he doesn’t speak doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel! On the contrary, a small child is a real emotional sponge. He perceives perfectly what is happening, but he does not verbalize it. It is essential to take precautions and calmly explain the separation to him: “Between your daddy and me, there are problems, I am very angry with him and he is very angry with me. »Needless to say more, to pour out his sorrow, his resentment because it is necessary to preserve his child’s life and to spare him the conflicts. If you need to relax, talk to a friend or shrink.
Replace the broken love alliance with a parental alliance
To grow well and build internal security, children need to feel that both parents want their good and are able to agree on childcare that does not exclude anyone. Even if he doesn’t speak, the baby captures the esteem and respect that remain between his father and mother. It is important that each parent talks about their ex-partner by saying “your daddy” and “your mom”, not “the other”. Out of respect and tenderness for her child, a mother with whom the child is in primary residence must preserve the paternal reality, evoke the presence of her father in his absence, show photos where they were together before the family breaks down. Same thing if the main residence is entrusted to the father. Even though it’s hard work towards a “reconciliation” at the parental level, make sure that important decisions are taken together: “For the holidays, I’ll talk to your dad. »Give your child a emotional pass by allowing her to have strong feelings for the other parent: “You have the right to love your mom. “Reaffirm the value of the parent of the ex-spouse:” Your mom is a good mom. Not seeing her again is not going to help you or me. “” It is not by depriving yourself of your daddy that you are going to help me or help yourself.
Make the distinction between conjugality and parenthood. For the man and woman who were a couple, separation is a narcissistic wound. We must mourn their love and that of the family they had created together. There is then a great risk of confusing the ex-spouse and the parent, of confusing a quarrel between a man and a woman, and a quarrel which dismisses the father or the mother in terms of image. The most detrimental for the child is to evoke the pseudo-abandonment suffered : “Your father left, he abandoned us”, or “Your mother left, she left us. “Suddenly, the child finds himself convinced of having been abandoned and repeats in turn:” I have only one mother, I no longer have a father. “
Opt for a childcare system where he can see both parents
The quality of the first bond a baby makes with its mother is fundamental, especially the first year of his life. But it is important that the father also forges a quality bond with his child from the first months. In the event of an early separation, ensure that the father maintains contact and has a place in the organization of life, that he has visitation and accommodation rights. Joint custody is not recommended during the first years, but it is possible to maintain the father-child bond beyond the separation according to a regular rhythm and a fixed schedule. The custodial parent is not the primary parent, just as the “non-host” parent is not a secondary parent.
Maintain scheduled times with the other parent. The first thing to say to a child who goes to the other parent for a day or a weekend is, “I’m glad you’re going with your daddy.” ” The second, is to trust : “I’m sure that everything will go well, your dad always has good ideas. The third is to explain to him that in his absence, for example, you will go to the cinema with your friends. The child is relieved to know that you will not be left alone. And the fourth is to evoke the reunion: “I will be happy to meet you on Sunday evening.” Ideally, each of the two parents is happy that the child is having a good time with the other, in his absence.
Avoid the trap of “parental alienation”
After a breakup and the conflicts it involves, anger and resentment take over for a time. It is difficult, if not impossible, to escape a sense of failure. In this tormented time, the parent hosting the child is so weakened that he risks falling into the trap of the hold / capture of the child. The shrinks have listed the signs of “parental alienation”. The alienating parent is driven by a desire for revenge, he wants to make the other pay for what he has suffered. He tries to defer or even cancel the visitation and accommodation rights of the other. Discussions during the transition are the occasion for arguments and crises in front of the child. The alienating parent does not preserve the child’s ties with the former in-laws. He is slanderous and pushes the child to rally to the “good” parent (him) against the “bad” (the other). The alienator withdraws into the child and his education, he no longer has a personal life, friends and leisure. He presents himself as the victim of an executioner. Suddenly, the child immediately takes his side and no longer wants to see the other parent. This very prejudicial attitude has serious consequences in adolescence, when the child himself checks whether the other parent has resigned as much as he has been told and realizes that he has been manipulated.
In order not to fall into the trap of parental alienation syndrome, it is important to make efforts and to try, even if the conflict seems insurmountable, a reconciliation. Same if the situation seems frozen, there is always an opportunity to take a step in the right direction, to change regimes, to improve relationships. Do not wait for your ex-spouse to take the first step, take the initiative, because often, the other waits too … Your child’s emotional balance is at stake. And therefore yours!
Don’t erase the father to make room for a new companion
Even if the separation took place when the child was one year old, a baby remembers his father and mother perfectly, his emotional memory will never erase them! It is a scam vis-à-vis the child, even very small, to ask him to call dad / mum his step-father or his mother-in-law. These words are reserved for both parents, even if they are separated. From a genetic and symbolic point of view, the identity of a child is made up of its original father and mother and we cannot ignore reality. We’re not going to replace mom and dad in a child’s head, even if the new companion occupies a paternal or maternal role on a daily basis. The best solution is to call them by their first names.
To read: “Free child or hostage child. How to protect the child after the separation of the parents ”, by Jacques Biolley (ed. The bonds which liberate). “Understanding the child’s world”, by Jean Epstein (ed. Dunod).