Is your relationship with your son or daughter tense and like a tug of war? Stop the fight. Education is not a struggle for power. When you parent, you make rules and enforce them, says psychotherapist and child psychologist Liz Matheis. And explains the difference.
Parents often say, “I can’t control a child,” when they are unhappy with his behavior and cannot achieve compliance with their requirements. As if the years from the birth of a child to his 18th birthday are a period of control and a struggle for power.
In fact, this is a time of development and maturation, when your task is to support and create conditions for growth. No need to engage in tug of war.
“When parenting becomes like dominance and repression, I ask parents to consider who benefits from it — them or the child? says psychotherapist Liz Matheis. “Any relationship that turns into an endless struggle is no fun for anyone, but when this happens between parents and children, there is no way to just stop communicating.”
Child and parent don’t have to fight each other all the time. And if the difficulties do not stop, it’s time to think about whether you are doing everything right.
It’s not about who’s in charge
It’s about a genuine, deep emotional connection. Such a connection implies a sincere desire to be with each other, to share joy, convenience and peace. And the point is not at all whether you managed to force the child to do something at your request with screams and threats or not.
Parenting is the rules that you negotiate with the child and that you require to follow. They concern all areas of his life — from daily routine activities to the style of communication and the expression of strong emotions, whether it be sadness, anger or disappointment.
At the same time, you make certain commitments to yourself, such as creating a safe emotional space at home, tolerating anger, sadness, fear, and disappointment. And as the child grows older, the requirements increase.
This does not mean that children have the right to command home, break toys and spoil furniture. Rather, the point is that you expect certain behaviors from both the child and yourself. A growing person has the right to express anger or frustration in a certain (permissible) way. And on your part there is a willingness to hear the child and respond to his need, manifested in words or deeds.
Basic principles of education
The task of parents is to understand the temperament and emotional needs of the child and satisfy them.
«I have three children. One of them I understand well, the other I don’t. Her needs and the way they were expressed, I had to study diligently. In essence, we speak different emotional languages. This does not mean that she is wrong or that her needs do not deserve attention, I just had to listen, translate and respond in a way that was not very convenient for me, ”says the expert.
Everyone who is preparing to become a parent has expectations about what their child should be like. Often we imagine complaisant children who willingly cooperate with us.
“My parents were tough and despotic people. I, on the other hand, was an obedient child who did everything that the elders said, even when it did not make sense or was frightening. You can imagine my shock and even rage when, years later, my own children did not comply with my requests and did not follow my instructions.
I felt that the situation was getting out of control, I was scared. I raised my voice, showed my anger, thinking that this would frighten them into submission. As a result, everything turned out in the worst possible way: a sobbing child and a depressed, crying mother. I didn’t like how I felt, neither emotionally nor physically. I didn’t want to be such an angry, noisy mom,” says Mateis.
Parenting is a dance in which the adult feels when to intervene and when to let the child handle himself.
In such a situation, she advises you to go back to your childhood to understand how your parents were arranged, what worked in their approach and what did not.
«I’m still going back in time and working on my childhood wounds to develop my sense of self as a parent and feel better about my own children,» the expert adds.
Parenting is a dance in which the adult feels when to intervene and when to let the child deal with difficulties on his own; when to teach and show, and when to watch from a distance as the child masters a new skill.
It’s not easy to educate. Perhaps you want to help and insure. The hardest thing to learn is to let the children fall, while you yourself stand aside, holding still and praying that they will rise again.
There is no single way of education for all. Parents should listen to their children, translate their vague needs into their own conceptual language and respond to them in the way that this child needs in a particular situation. This does not mean that your child «controls» you. Rather, you are sensitive to his needs and meet them at the right time.
The upbringing process is unpredictable. But everyone can follow its basic principles: set the rules, listen, understand how your child differs from you, and not transfer your past into the present. Then you won’t need to «manage» the child.
About the Expert: Liz Matheis is a clinical, school psychologist. He sees children with anxiety, autism and other disabilities, and their parents.