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Admit it, you are not sure how to act. Your child is so young… You are afraid that he will not understand the situation, you feel guilty and tend to give in on everything. However, your child needs limits and benchmarks, explanations, tenderness and authority. All without losing your social life or your free time. A hell of a challenge, a balancing act.
Always staying face to face is good for lovers. But for both of you, it can get overwhelming. To ventilate your relationship and make your home come alive, practice the open door policy. Receive, go to friends, also invite his own. Get him used to seeing people and not always being alone with you. You must avoid forming a close couple with your child. You can give it to your mother very early on, then get it used to sleeping with people you trust (family or friends), and going on weekends without you. Taking off is good for both of you. Take this opportunity to think of yourself. Your celebrations should not be confined to Kirikou, Disneyland and company. On vacation, go with a group of friends or to a hotel-club, formulas that allow you to have a good time together, but also to meet people and make friendships on their own. If he’s stuck with you, sign him up for the kids club where he’ll share activities with kids his age. It will interest him much more than listening to adult conversations. For your part, by keeping in touch with people your age, who talk about something other than children, you are giving yourself the right to live your life as a woman. Be careful, however, not to make your child a confidant of these moments spent without him. Talking with your child is very important, as long as you stay in your place of mother, and he in his place of child. Prohibit yourself from confiding your moods to him. It is unsettling and distressing for him. Keep your confidences for your best friend.
Set limits, for her own good
Tenderness, you have it for two. But authority, you will need it too. The problem is, you often feel guilty and, to compensate, you would like to let go of the ballast, to spoil it. It is not a service to render him: he needs more than ever a reassuring framework made up of clear rules and limits not to be exceeded. Being able to refer to your authority is structuring for him. Even if you are tempted to relax them, it must remain exceptional. And when you say “no”, it’s “no”. Even if you find it exhausting, it is essential for him. An example: your child has noticed that there is a vacant place in your double bed and he would like to fit in. Fears, stomach aches, insomnia: all excuses are good. But this is not its place. Everyone must have their own territory, their own private space. Sleeping together creates too much intimacy between you, a confusion of roles that slows down your independence and your desire to grow. And then, even if it is not a question of making your child believe that you are looking for a man at all costs, you have to make him understand that, in the natural order of things, the place in the bed is not right. always remain vacant. This will prevent him from hogging you and, if he’s a boy, from taking himself for the man of the house. Finally, the day you want to live as a couple again, the pill will be easier to take.
Let your child compartmentalize his life
Having a double life is not that easy for a child. To find his way around, he organizes it into compartments: on one side, his life with you, on the other, that with his father. Refrain from bombarding him with questions when he comes home from a weekend. It’s a part of his life that belongs to him. He must feel free to live his relationship with his father without your shadow hanging over them. If he wants to tell you what he did, so much the better. But it is he who decides.
Bring men into her life
If he didn’t know his father, he needs to know that he exists. Talk about your story, show him a photo, tell him memories and tell him what qualities he has inherited from him. Having a father like everyone else is important to him, so if you’ve just split up, don’t make his father a taboo subject. Does he dress or wash alone? Tell him his father will be proud of him. He needs to hear that even though you no longer get along as a couple, you continue to communicate as parents. Likewise, do not openly deny the love that gave birth to it. And take care to maintain a male presence in those around him. Get in the habit of regularly inviting a sibling, cousin or ex-boyfriend with whom your child can bond. Even if you can raise him very well alone, being around men is a plus for him. This is important for a boy because it gives him male role models. It is equally important for a girl: if she grows up only surrounded by women, she risks seeing men as strangers, inaccessible, impressive and, later, have difficulty communicating with them.
Ask your loved ones for help
Your daughter has tonsillitis and we are expecting you at the office: you need to know who you can count on very quickly. In order not to always ask for the same ones, have several strings to your bow. Extended family, friends, neighbors… Note what their availability is and what services they can provide you: urgent errands, occasional babysitting, practical advice, an ear in the event of a hard blow, etc. Girlfriends are also made for that. Your parents are there to support you, that’s good, but your child also has paternal grandparents who might be happy to help you out. Even separated from their son, you can still have a good relationship with them if they respect you. Entrusting them with your child means showing your trust in them and above all, allowing them to stay in touch with half of their family tree that matters to them.