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Authority, a quality that is not just masculine
Why this difficulty? First of all because they still think too often that authority is a naturally more masculine quality. For them, it is very complicated to be at the same time the one who coaxes, who consoles, who reassures, and the one who scolds in case of need. Switching from one role to another, sometimes in the same minute, seems to them a very acrobatic gymnastics. In the past, the behavior to be taken might seem simpler, since the roles were clearly dissociated: for the father, discipline and sanction; to the mother, care and tenderness. Today, (and we are not going to complain about it all the same!), The two roles are held jointly by the two parents. Authority is no longer embodied by a person, but relies on a relationship, which makes its exercise more complicated.
The relationship of a mother and her baby is marked from the start by a closeness that, by definition, the father does not feel to the same degree. It is a physiological and psychic reality. Before giving birth, a mother carried her baby for nine months. There is therefore a specific link that is established between them, a fusional link in essence. It is this link that will make it possible to best meet the needs of the infant and instill in him a feeling of inner security. The mistake, however, would be to conclude that a mom is only made to cuddle, not to show authority. Because the merger, if it is necessary at the beginning, must gradually give way to another mode of relationship. In order for the child to grow up, he needs to individualize himself and to feel that he does not form a whole with his mother. It is therefore necessary that the link can relax by leaving enough space.
Supporting frustrating your child is essential
It is by setting limits for a toddler that we help them feel separate from their mom. The father of course has a role to play in this progressive distance. But the mother must also accept the idea of no longer fulfilling all the desires of her child at the moment. This mourning is sometimes difficult to do because the child, for his part, rarely agrees with these limits that are imposed on his omnipotence. And that’s where the shoe pinches: when he starts screaming in frustration, a mother has trouble staying unmoved. To act of separation is to accept not to be in the child’s head and not to confuse his feelings with our own. Many fathers today are able to give in to the tears of their offspring. But even more vulnerable mothers, they who during the first weeks, have become accustomed to responding instantly to the slightest requests of their baby …
Set limits and accept that there are conflicts
Whatever the cause, it is in any case often this thankless aspect of mom’s job that pushes us to “forget” that we should bitch, when the situation requires it. Cowardly, we then discard on the father as regards the slightly muscular tune-ups. In short, we want to share the education of our children with our companion, but we slyly manage to leave him what we consider deep down to be the “dirty work”. The problem is that we are no longer in the 50s and the modern daddy rarely agrees to don the clothes of the Father whipper. Today authority is negotiated within the couple. If each expects the other to resolve the situation, if both have the feeling that we are asking too much of them, more often than not we end up with no authority at all. This lack of authority is problematic for children because in order to flourish, they need to find limits to their omnipotence on their way. The limits reassure the child. If they do not exist, it amounts to leaving him on the edge of the precipice without protective barriers: it is very distressing for him.
Why is my child not obeying?
Sometimes these limits are set and the child does not listen. Should we see a fatality, linked to the temperament or to the sex with which nature has endowed us? Certainly not. Authority is not a character trait, but designates a mode of relationship between two people. It is nourished just as much by our past history with our parents as by that which we form from day to day with each of our children. For it to exist, you must have internalized the rules that you pass on yourself and be persuaded in the depths of yourself that our request is legitimate. Authority must not only be appropriate or consistent, it must be in harmony with an inner conviction. If your thoughts conflict, your message will be difficult for the child to hear.
Just because you say “no” doesn’t mean he won’t love you anymore
When a “no” is not heard, it is often that it is pronounced in an ambivalent manner. It is an unconscious way of saying to the child: “I do not agree that you do this, but I would like you to continue to love me anyway”. However, in order to act of authority, you have to be able to accept the fact that he hates us, if only for five minutes. Paradoxically, assuming her role as a mother therefore takes a minimum of distance from her children. Do they find us mean when we forbid them to do what they want? Don’t panic, it won’t last! When we consider the exercise of authority not as a dirty job, but as a gesture of love, it greatly facilitates things and makes it much less guilty. Our children need limits, it’s up to us to give them to them.