A curious action took place in the London Underground: passengers were presented with “Tube Chat?” badges. (“Let’s talk?”), encouraging them to communicate more and be open to others. The British have been skeptical about the idea, but publicist Oliver Burkeman insists it makes sense: We feel happier when we talk to strangers.
I know that I risk losing my British citizenship when I say that I admire the act of the American Jonathan Dunn, the initiator of the Let’s Talk? Do you know how he reacted to the hostile attitude of the Londoners towards his project? I ordered twice as many badges, recruited volunteers and again rushed into battle.
Don’t get me wrong: as a British person, the first thing I thought was that those who offer to communicate more with outsiders should be imprisoned without trial. But if you think about it, it’s still a strange reaction. In the end, the action does not force unwanted conversations: if you are not ready to communicate, do not wear a badge. In fact, all claims come down to this argument: it is painful for us to watch how other passengers, awkwardly stammering, try to start a dialogue.
But if we are so horrified by the sight of people willingly joining in a normal conversation in public, perhaps they do not have problems?
To reject the idea of communication with strangers is to capitulate to boors
Because the truth, judging by the results of the research of the American teacher and communication specialist Keo Stark, is that we actually become happier when we talk to strangers, even if we are sure in advance that we cannot bear it. This topic can be easily brought to the problem of violation of boundaries, impudent street harassment, but Keo Stark immediately makes it clear that this is not about an aggressive invasion of personal space — she does not approve of such actions.
In her book When Strangers Meet, she says that the best way to deal with unpleasant, annoying forms of interaction between strangers is to encourage and develop a culture of relationships based on sensitivity and empathy. To reject the idea of communication with strangers entirely is more like capitulating to boors. Encounters with strangers (in their proper incarnation, clarifies Keo Stark) turn out to be “beautiful and unexpected stops in the usual, predictable flow of life … You suddenly have questions that you thought you already knew the answers to.”
In addition to a well-founded fear of being molested, the idea of engaging in such conversations turns us off, probably because it hides two common problems that prevent us from being happy.
We follow a rule even though we don’t like it because we think others approve of it.
The first is that we are bad at “affective forecasting”, that is, we are not able to predict what will make us happy, “whether the game is worth the candle”. When researchers asked volunteers to imagine that they were talking to strangers on a train or bus, they were mostly horrified. When asked to do it in real life, they were much more likely to say that they enjoyed the trip.
Another problem is the phenomenon of «pluralistic (multiple) ignorance», due to which we follow some rule, although it does not suit us, because we believe that others approve of it. Meanwhile, the rest think in exactly the same way (in other words, no one believes, but everyone thinks that everyone believes). And it turns out that all the passengers in the car remain silent, although in fact some would not mind talking.
I don’t think skeptics will be satisfied with all these arguments. I myself was hardly convinced by them, and therefore my last attempts to communicate with strangers were not very successful. But still think about affective forecasting: research shows that our own forecasts cannot be trusted. So you’re pretty sure you’ll never wear the Let’s Talk? Maybe this is just a sign that it would be worth it.
Source: The Guardian.
About the Author: Oliver Burkeman is a British publicist and author of The Antidote. An antidote for an unhappy life” (Eksmo, 2014).