Hot-tempered and impatient, they are ready to explode at any moment. Even if you do not provoke them once again, they still find a reason to scream. Relationships with such people are like living on a volcano. Who are the «anger junkies», what drives them and how to survive under the pressure of their rage?
At the first meeting, Sonya’s future husband made an impression of a charismatic and successful person. For eight months of courtship, he conquered her with care. However, on the very first night of the honeymoon, he made a monstrous scene in the hotel. Sonya just asked her husband to give her a map of the city. He growled, «No!» — and began to destroy the furniture in the hotel room.
“I froze in place. He announced that he was going to divorce me, and went to bed. I didn’t sleep all night, trying to understand what I should do now and how this behavior fits into the norm, ”recalls Sonya.
The next morning, Sonya stood at the exit of the hotel and waited for a taxi to the airport. She decided that marriage was over. The husband approached, smiling dazzlingly, called the incident an unsuccessful joke and asked «not to do stupid things.»
And a week later everything happened again … Their marriage lasted five years. All this time, Sonya walked around her husband on tiptoe, fearing his wrath. He did not raise his hand to her, but in fact subordinated her life to his whims. After becoming a psychotherapist’s client, she learned that she had married an «anger addict.»
We all experience anger from time to time. But unlike most people, these people need to be fed with anger on a regular basis. The cycle of their addiction involves relaxation, whether there is a reason for it or not. In this way, they satisfy internal needs that often have nothing to do with the situation that caused the surge.
Before marriage, it is important to get to know the environment of the candidate for husbands better.
How does anger cause physical dependence?
During an outburst of rage, adrenaline is released into the bloodstream. This hormone energizes us and dulls pain. The pleasure of an adrenaline rush is about the same both during a parachute jump and in a state of righteous anger. A person voluntarily falls into it to relieve tension or get rid of sad thoughts. As a rule, having vented anger, he feels great, while his victims are completely crushed.
Anger junkies value this emotion for more than adrenaline. This is a method available to them to manage the situation and resolve conflicts when they are just brewing (the best defense against domestic discontent is an attack). In addition, they are well aware that their temper frightens loved ones and allows them to be kept on a short leash.
“Anger is the oldest emotion that does not require any rational basis. It is easy to succumb to its temptation, because it simplifies reality and gives a feeling of power, ”explains Ivan Tyrell, founder of anger management courses.
It is known that this emotion is more characteristic of men: it is they who often break down on loved ones. One of the key differences between the sexes is that women subtly distinguish shades of feelings, while men perceive them in contrast and in their eyes appear either winners or losers. It also makes it harder for them to admit that they are scared or upset.
It’s not just those who are obsessed with anger who suffer from anger addiction. Psychologist John Gottman says that although the companions of the brawlers complain about their monstrous temper, they fondly recall moments of reconciliation, which do not happen without scandals.
“The connection between love and violence is still little understood. Animals that are trained using the «carrot and stick» method become more attached to their owners than those that have been well treated. Unfortunately, many couples have gone far from them,” he says.
Psychotherapist Gal Lindenfield emphasizes the importance of getting to know the candidate’s environment before marriage: “Find out what his relationship is with his siblings, parents, and friends. If they, even with a grin, hint at the fact that they have suffered more than once from the unbearable character and explosive temperament of your fiancé, it is worth considering. You are unlikely to be an exception.»
What to do if you can’t break up with the “anger addict”?
Psychiatrist and author of Emotional Freedom Judith Orloff offers some advice.
- Suppress the first reaction to aggression. Count to ten. Focus on the breath, not the offender.
- Don’t argue or make excuses. Imagine that a wave of anger passes by you without touching you at all.
- Recognize the “rightness” of the offender. “Yes, I understand how you feel. I also experience similar emotions. I just express them a little differently. Let’s talk, ”such phrases are disarming.
- Set boundaries. A confident tone is important: “I love you, but I will not answer your claims while you communicate in raised tones.”
- Show empathy. As you now know, anger is just a cover for a lot of negative emotions. How bad must it be for a person close to you if he is constantly beside himself with anger? This does not excuse the anger junkie, but it does help to let go of resentment.