This is often more difficult than with adults. It is not easy to choose the right words, not to break into a cry and not to exert psychological pressure. Psychologist Laura Markham talks about how to argue and when you need to say no strictly.
Sometimes it’s easier to ban. Allowing children to express their opinion or insist on their own, we worry that we are questioning parental authority and the child will no longer obey. In fact, every family should have strict prohibitions. We do not discuss them.
“There is a rule: you feed the dog, and then you go to dinner.”
«We’re not going anywhere until everyone has their seat belts on.»
But in some matters it is necessary to give the child the right to choose. It is unpleasant for any person when they are constantly pressured and forced to do something:
“Will you put on your jacket or shoes first?”
“Do you want me to help you wash up, or will you wash yourself?”
But what if you set strict limits, and the child tries to challenge them? If it is about something that you do not intend to change and discuss, do not discuss. But do not scold the child for trying to argue. In such situations, it is important not to lose your sense of humor: “You say you will never go to bed? OK. Come here, never sleeping boy. I am a magician who makes sure that the children go to bed on time, and I always get my way.
Sometimes you have to firmly say “no” and not discuss it. Even if the child reacts to the ban with cries and tears. But don’t be too harsh. You can show sympathy for a crying child, but the prohibition itself will remain unchanged.
«I understand you. It’s not easy to stop playing and start getting ready for bed, especially when your brother stays up late. When you’re eight, you can also go to bed a little later. In the meantime, let’s collect the toys.»
However, in some cases, you can give in to the child, if both you and him will feel better from this. In such a situation, it is better to offer to discuss everything and work out a joint solution that will satisfy both parties.
“You want to take a longer walk in the park. And I have to go home and cook dinner. What do we do? If we walk another 20 minutes, I won’t have time to prepare food for my dad’s return. Can you help me peel the potatoes? Amazing. This decision will suit both of us. Let’s walk for another 15 minutes.»
This approach teaches children to look for solutions that benefit everyone. And this is a very important communication skill. The most difficult thing in a dispute is to understand and take into account the needs of each other. It is not easy to negotiate if you are under pressure. Therefore, try to remain calm in the hottest and most unpleasant dispute.
“Yes, I understand that you need to wash your hair, which for some reason you smeared with peanut butter. But this can be done in the kitchen sink, not in the shower.”
By adolescence, children learn to anticipate our objections and plan their lives around them.
Are endless arguments driving you crazy? It must be said that you will not discuss this or that issue. You are entitled to it. Isn’t it easier not to argue with children at all? Easier. But then they will not learn the skill of negotiation, without which it is difficult in life.
My daughter was 14 when she said, “Mom, I know you are going to ask me now how I will do my homework if I spend all Saturday with my friends at the amusement park. But I already did everything in advance, except for the essay on history. I’ll just get up early on Sunday and write this essay.”
It was just a miracle! By adolescence, children learn to anticipate our objections and plan their lives around them, and are ready to answer all questions before we even open our mouths. In such a situation, there are no losers.
About the Author: Laura Marham is a psychologist and author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids.