The 37-year-old woman decided to remain childless because she did not want to raise a child alone.
Ella Hensley always knew that she would not be able to give birth. When she was 16, the girl was diagnosed with Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome. This is a very rare pathology in the development of reproductive organs, when the walls of the vagina are fused. Outside, everything is in order, but inside it may turn out that there is neither the uterus nor the upper part of the vagina. The next nine months after the diagnosis, there was a difficult treatment. The doctors failed to restore the entire system of reproductive organs, it was impossible. Ella just got a chance for sex.
Only by the age of 30, the girl finally recovered from her illness and accepted herself as she is – sterile. But the biological clock did not even want to know about her illness. They ticked inexorably.
“I could not understand that this is the pressure of society, which expects me to become a mother, or my own maternal instincts?” – wrote Ella.
One day, Ella walked through the doors of a reproductive technology clinic. She was 37 years old at the time. She wanted to freeze the eggs – in case she finally understood that she wanted a baby. After all, this is a responsible step, and Ella did not want to get pregnant just because it was necessary.
“Barren women are always surrounded by compassion. But at the same time, everyone around you is waiting for you to crawl out of your skin in order to still become a mother. I remember the bewilderment of the nurse in the clinic. She asked me why I was delaying for so long, because I knew that I could not conceive myself. And I was not at all sure that I was created for motherhood “, – Ella.
The girl had everything to start the IVF protocol: a reliable partner, money, health, good eggs, even a surrogate mother – Ella’s friend agreed to carry a child for her.
“I have developed a plan for how I will undergo IVF. I created a spreadsheet, named it Esme – that’s what I would call my daughter. I wrote in all the pros and cons, calculated the costs, the entire list of procedures – from blood tests to ultrasound and implantation. It turned out that 80 thousand dollars would be required. I could afford it, ”says Ella. She finally decided to take a course of treatment.
But her plan failed where Ella least expected. One day at dinner, she told her partner about her decision. His answer sounded like a bolt from the blue to her: “Good luck with your future boyfriend.” The man simply put an end to Ella’s dream of family and children.
“That evening, my action plan folder went to the trash can. I said goodbye to Esme, ”admitted Ella.
But even this was not the most difficult thing. The most difficult thing was to call a friend, who wanted to become a surrogate mother for her, and say that such an expensive gift should go to the woman who really needs it. And also – to admit to herself why she abandoned maetrism.
“I had everything – funds, specialists, even my beautiful friend. But I said, “Thank you, no,” says Ella. – Six months have passed since then, but I have not regretted my decision for a second. I am alone now, the relationship with my partner, of course, broke up. And giving birth to a child alone … I know a lot of single mothers, they are just incredible. But this option does not seem correct to me. After all, in order to become a mother alone, you really need to really want a child. Want him more than anything. But I can’t say that about myself. I think that my child, my Esme – she is somewhere. I just can’t bring her into this world. Will I ever regret? Maybe. But I listened to my inner voice, and all I feel now is relief from the fact that I have stopped doing what I really do not want. Now I know that a childless life is my choice, not the whims of my genetics. I am sterile, but I decided to be childless. And that’s a big difference. “