How to find the right balance between “want” and “need”? This is one of the most frequent questions to a psychologist, this is one of the most important issues of pedagogy. Below I argue on an example … learning to ride a bike. About children, but actually about adults too.
She taught her younger children to ride a bicycle (a boy is 7 years old, a girl is 5). For a long time they asked for a bike, and finally, the parents were honored. It took 4 workouts of 30 — 40 minutes of «pure» skating, it’s a simple matter. But what an interesting psychological and pedagogical workshop it was — in fact, the whole process was finding a balance between “I want” and “I need”, a balance that we so often lack in relation not only to children, but also to ourselves. A report with “psychologist’s comments” is for your attention.
So, we went out. A few crooked runs — children on bicycles, and for my husband and I, pretty runs like this are nearby. They forget about the pedals, then about the steering wheel, then they fall to the left, then to the right, out of habit they are tense «up to a seventh sweat.» The interesting stuff is coming soon. «I’m afraid — I fell — I got scratched — it hurts — I can’t … I won’t!» Mom and dad steadfastly hold the blow, we show “understanding” and “pedagogism” in the spirit of “Patience and work will grind everything”, “Only the one who does nothing is not mistaken”, “Through thorns to the stars” (everything in “childish” variant, of course), and so on and so forth. There is nothing to cover, but our children are smart, and, of course, they will find a more efficient way to merge the task. The moment of truth comes — «I DON’T WANT!» The signature “I don’t want to!”, before which any self-respecting educator of the humanistic direction will stand in awe. To go against “I don’t want” with gu.e.y force — “suppression of the child’s personality” with all the consequences, horror-horror-horror. You can persuade, you can motivate, you can even back down, but to force — no, no …
However, my husband and I, with all our humanity, are against such humanism when it becomes “senseless and merciless.” We also know our children, and we know that they are strong, healthy and relatively well-bred. It is not only possible to apply force to them, but it is necessary.
“Now I don’t care if you want to learn to ride or not. When you learn to ride well, you can at least never ride a bike again in your life. (I’m lying, I know their need for movement — they will still ride.) But until you learn, you will train as I say. Today, we will not go home until you get from this point to that point — with a smooth steering wheel, and you will turn the pedals as expected. (Note: I have set a difficult but feasible task, I know their physical and psychological characteristics, I know what they are capable of. A mistake here would be both to exaggerate the child’s capabilities “He is my strongest, dexterous and smartest”, and to underestimate their «Poor thing, he’s tired»). So, since you will still ride until you complete the task, I advise you to do it with a smile and a bright face. (Periodically in the process I remind loudly: “More fun — face — smile — well done!”)
Here is such a speech — my tough “must” versus “I don’t want” a child. I know that now they don’t want to skate (and really don’t want to), not because the matter is so uninteresting or irrelevant for them, but simply because they don’t want to overcome difficulties, they show weakness. If you press lightly (force) — it will not just be a skill of cycling (which, in principle, is not so important), there will be another development of the skill of overcoming, self-confidence, the ability not to give in to obstacles. I must also say that I would not act so harshly with an unfamiliar child. Firstly, I don’t have contact, trust with a stranger, and secondly, I still don’t know his capabilities, and in fact I can both squeeze and underestimate. This is a serious moment: if the caregiver (parent) of the child knows, understands, does not feel very well, or if there is no good contact, it is better to underestimate than squeeze. About this aphorism: “You have no right to punish until you have won the heart of a child. But when you have conquered it, you have no right not to punish.”
In general, as I said at the beginning of the article, the children learned to ride. Since my husband and I stubbornly “bent our line” (and without internal doubts), they quickly realized that it was useless to beat our heads against the wall — and began to train. Diligently, with a bright face and a smile, completely surrendering to the process without any internal resistance. And when something began to work out — «the mood has improved.» Now they ride.
So, riding a bike is really easy. And life is the same, only the bike is more complicated. The task is the same: not to roll to the left or to the right, but to keep the steering wheel even and pedal as it should — to keep the balance of “necessary” and “want”.
Liana Kim is a wise and talented teacher, and I would suggest the following Rules for her article, precisely on the basis of her experience:
- In teaching, we set only feasible tasks, but we determine the feasibility not by the whining and suffering of our children, but from real experience.
- If a child is given a task, it must be completed. No persuasion and discussion: no sooner said than done. Until the task is completed, the child will not have any other activities, games and entertainment.
- The most important point is to follow the format: the smile, the happy face and intonations of the child. It is impossible to ride (even in training mode) with a disgruntled or unhappy face, plaintive intonations. The ride stops. But remember that the task must be completed, and there can be no extraneous games and entertainment.
- Important tasks need to be sold dearly: the children wanted to ride bikes, it depended on us parents whether to buy them bikes or not. Therefore, it was right to agree in advance, namely, to agree on the format. “We agree that 1) Riding is not an easy task, it can be painful to fall and get tired of pedaling. We know this and do not complain about it. 2) When we learn to ride, we have a happy face with a smile. There can be no dissatisfied and unhappy person. 3) We train for 30 minutes: no less, so as not to hack, and no more, so that neither children nor parents get tired. 4) And if I do not do this, I will not have faith in the future.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.